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A Tale of Two Shities: Portland and San Franciso

In Portland, only a giant tsunami rolling in from the Columbia can ever scour the city clean of its infestion of rats.

And meanwhile, in Portland’s sister shitty to the south, San Francisco, the shit has risen so high that the poo map is full and growing a darker brown by the day. Result? SF is morphing from shithole city of the nation to asshole of the nation.

Poop Patrol Aims To Clean The Feces From San Francisco Streets

The amount of poop on San Francisco streets has gotten so bad that, in 2018, the city finally decided to do something about it. Under the direction of the Public Works Department, San Francisco launched a specialized clean-up unit, known to some as the “poop patrol,” in an effort to keep San Francisco’s streets clean and prevent unwanted diseases from spreading.

As the name of the unit suggests, cleaning workers within the unit are tasked with the unfortunate duty to spot and clean up fecal matter found on the streets. The team is equipped with facial masks and other protective gear and carry large sprays of disinfectant to wash away any leftover poop from the sidewalks.

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  • Sam L. April 24, 2019, 10:08 AM

    The lefties are doing a rotten job of keeping the Earth “clean and green”.

  • captflee April 24, 2019, 11:00 AM

    It is to weep for.

    At least I got a good long glimpse before things went, you know, to shit.

    By dint of my friendship with a fellow gearhead then doing grad work at my alma mater’s Design school I came to know rather a lot of Oregonians, many of whom went back to Portland after graduation, so ended up spending a fair bit of time there in the early eighties, in and out. My friends were weirder than the gen pop back then, but then again, I must admit to having lost track over the years, so can’t say whether or not they might be the ones now driving the Rose City off the cliff. Mild foaming of the mouth at the mention of Ronnie Raygun, etc. But you know the tenor of those times, the feeling of a turning, course and destination unsure. In any event, life seemed sweet, and clean, really clean. Particularly in comparison to my then home base, Tegucigalpa’s Northernmost Suburb, NOLA. Now? Surely still cleaner, but doubtless way, way crazier than even the City That Care Forgot. No mean feat, that.

    The first non-third world city in which I had to dodge steaming piles of excrement was San Francisco, way back in your nineteen and eighty four, emerging nightly a little after midnight at Market Street BART, working my way past the already numerous urban outdoorsmen uphill to my refuge on Geary, the long gone El Cortez, wishing I were armed, and that right heavily. My perch from on high there provided me endless free entertainment, and not a little disgust. Still, the worst of the rot seemed then confined to the Tenderloin, so I maintained hope…for a while.

    Well, it would appear that having taken half a lifetime, we have now arrived at our station, Shit City.
    (Apologies for appropriating the nickname from that legendary East Coast port, so named by generations of seamen, navy and merchant)

  • madtntaxpayer April 24, 2019, 11:06 AM

    I am suggesting that the San Fran liberals copy or slightly modify a proven housing design to handle their manure problem which has been employed by fly-over country hog farmers for decades. Hog confinement buildings are floored with concrete slats; when the hogs defecate, the poop falls down to a huge pool of sludge which is regularly pumped into a “honey wagon” for distribution as rich fertilizer on the farmer’s fields. This design would solve 2 problems for the fine folks of Frisco, a large building would house the bums and choomers and at the same time, take care of the smelly sludge currently left on the sidewalks. Drugs could be handed out to the residents through a secure drop box. Starbucks could donate and install the red plastic needle depository boxes. The buildings could be named “Pelosi Palaces”. This website created by NDSU has a plethora of plans….no excuse: https://www.ag.ndsu.edu/extension-aben/buildingplans/swine

  • ghostsniper April 24, 2019, 1:47 PM

    As a mostly civilized person I have never seen human shit in the middle of the street, so I’m trying to visualize the geometrics involved with doing such a thing, and why. Generally, and with no other assistance, how does one actually shit in the street? And why?

    If, through a severe lapse in self consideration, I found myself in the middle of a street and the overwhelming need to drop the kids off at the pool overcame me, I believe I would need something to lean against in order to not fall over while dropping trou and stooping, no? So, lets assume the shitting does not occur in the “middle” of the street but off to the side slightly, that is, while leaning against a vehicle that is parallel parked. Then what?

    I’ll presume the individual lowers the britches all the way down to the ankles affording maximum freedom for the deep stoop necessary. Then, while leaning the back against the vehicle, slides down to the comfortable position while keeping the feets firmly on the ground and the back firmly against the vehicle. Follow? Good. The shitting occurs, and of course the always mandated pissing. This can be fast, or slow, loose, or firm, depending. If the former, and former, their may be disaster. The latter and latter, not so much. Regardless, clean up is necessary.

    Now, as a person that has evacuated his bowel away from his home no more than 5 times in his entire life, it is unimaginable to me that people do such a thing and then simply maneuver gobs of thin paper and then go about their regular routine. But for the person on the street doing such a thing, does he some how carry the clean up materials with him? Or, since we are speaking of uncivilized behavior, is the notion of clean up even applicable?

    If the beginning scene went down like I described, I would seek a private place to take on that nasty chore. Behind a dumpster behind a building, for example. That way I would be able to deal with the situation in a way that would give me the most benefit and not be interrupted. So why, and how, are people shitting in the middle of the street? It seems that necessity is not the reason but rather the making of a statement. IOW, it’s possible to deliver the goods in private, as I described, but some people choose to do it publicly for unknown reason.

  • CC April 24, 2019, 1:51 PM

    So shit rolls uphill after all?

  • Blog Dog April 24, 2019, 4:10 PM

    I call the color on that map “Jerry Brown.”

  • Bad_Brad April 24, 2019, 7:36 PM

    They’re paying homeless people 90K a year to pick up human waste in San Fransisco. 30K more a year than your average flatfoot.

  • Sam L. April 24, 2019, 8:39 PM

    There’s a reason to a thousand of them why we call Frisco Frisco.

  • Lance de Boyle April 24, 2019, 9:30 PM

    Even cats clean up, Ghost, and they give you a “What are YOU looking at, Buster,” stare if you watch them. I suspect that the urban poopers are somewhere beneath sentient beings. They operate on muscle memory, pain, and pleasure.

  • John the River April 25, 2019, 7:34 AM

    I feel slightly ill.

  • Hangtown Bob April 25, 2019, 8:10 AM

    We need a good lyricist to pen the lyrics to the updated version of the Tony Bennett classic, now renamed ” I left my shit in San Francisco”.

  • Rick April 25, 2019, 9:01 AM


    I suggest a few minutes on YT glancing at videos of people shitting in the streets, on cars, sidewalks and people’s yards. You’ll notice a common denominator fairly quickly which will also clarify why nothing is done about it.,

  • Vanderleun April 25, 2019, 9:59 AM

    Sending this out to Hangtown Bob:

    I Left My Sh*t In San Francisco

    The pissoirs of Paris are not so far away
    The gloryhole that was Rome is a septic tank today
    I’ve been smeared with sidewalk turds in Manhattan
    I’m going home to my shitty by the Bay

    I left my dump in San Francisco
    High on a hill, it coils neath me
    To squat where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars
    The morning fog may chill the ass, I don’t care
    My crap waits there in San Francisco
    Above the blue and windy sea
    When I drop trou in you, Shit Francisco
    Your golden turds will stink for me

  • Anonymous April 25, 2019, 1:22 PM

    For Vanderleun…..


    You have put Douglass Cross to shame. Now, if we could only get Tony Bennett to update his prior hit.

  • Hangtown Bob April 25, 2019, 1:28 PM

    Oops… Forgot to leave my name. I am the 1:22Anonymous

  • DAN April 26, 2019, 7:43 AM

    way to go GVL, now we need a remake of perry comos seattle. what i read it’s as bad as frisco & portland. should include chemtrails in the sky. that’s probably forbidden. oops. DAN

  • captflee April 26, 2019, 8:40 AM

    Your possibly Swiftian suggestion might just do the trick, Call Hog Slat, Inc. over in the metropolis of Newton Grove, NC, and turnkey the whole shootin’ match. Alternatively, the methods espoused by Messrs. Ironside and Stone, here appended, might be given consideration.


  • captflee April 26, 2019, 8:47 AM


    Well done, indeed!

  • Teri Pittman April 26, 2019, 10:55 AM

    We rent the public room at the main library in Portland once a year. The boat guys get together and look at old boating magazines, kept back in the closed stacks. We’ve been doing it for at least ten years now. Two years ago was the first time I saw poop on the street. And no, they don’t use the road. They crap in front of the shop doorways. The old library is a beautiful building, that now requires security officers to keep the homeless inside in check. They come for the computers, not the books.

    I moved to Portland in the early 70s. I hate to even drive through it any more. There are tents off the freeway on I-5. Any public walkway has small tent cities. These cities seem to have completely forgotten the idea of public health. We will get a nasty epidemic at some point and maybe they’ll remember why that’s part of their jobs.

  • Janet Miller April 27, 2019, 8:53 PM

    Hey, Sears Dude. Sorry cant think of your first name. I’ve missed you! Are you still gluten-intolerant?

  • CC April 28, 2019, 5:34 AM

    When all is said & done, the left’s utopia is just an expensive seaside ball of shit.