Biden telling staff he wants to go back to Delaware. Hasn’t been sleeping well this week. Thinks he will be more functional if he stays over at home in Wilmington.
— Jack Posobiec 🇺🇸 (@JackPosobiec) August 18, 2021
It was a standard morning at the Wilmington “White House” with the night staff coming off duty and passing through the seven rings of Secret Service security until they got beyond the tanks and concertina wire with the machine guns.
The day staff came on as “Jeeves,” the President’s handler and valet, prepared his morning cocoa and bowl of Animal Crackers with a Jello shot. He brought it in, set it down next to the President’s bedside, and pulled the drapes aside letting the dank Delaware sunshine. Turning he noticed the President laid out, as was his wont, with his favorite MyPillow covering his face.
“Good morning sire,” said Agent Jeeves (“sire” being their little joke) as he went to lift up President’s MyPillow. It snagged and, lifting came away from the kind old president’s face with his dentures clamped deeply into the now gnawed and ripped MyPillowCase. Jeeves stepped back calmly and sent a quick text to the Vice President’s phone in a bedroom on the Oprah Winfrey estate in Maui, “Delaware down. Wheels up in one hour. Wear black. Bring out the Jackie Kennedy style veil we packed for you.”
Jeeves poked his head out of the door and nodded to the carefully vetted Secret Service guards in the hall, “Get Op NewKidInTown launched.” He closed the door behind them as the guards went to alert the President’s Coroner in his jump seat one floor down.
Jeeves walked down the hall to the First Lady’s bedroom. He first shook awake the First Lady’s friend, Megan Rapinoe, still groggy after an evening of motherly instruction from the insatiable Dr. Jill. “Out, out,” he said.
“I am out,” said Rapinoe taking a knee in front of him.
“Cute. Beat it,” said Jeeves. “We’ll call you back when Kametoe is firmly ensconced and needs to relearn how to take knees. And by the way, this lesbian one-sided buzz cut is so 2020. Get a butch, Butch.”
The First Lady was a little woozy upon waking but Jeeves needed her “a bit sparky” for the coming day so he reached into his vest pocket and placed one gleaming methedrine suppository on her medications tray. “Fit that in ASAP, Dr. Jill,” shaking her. “The vegetable down the hall twerked in his last moments and bit through his MyPillow so hard his dentures came out when I pulled it off.”
“Did you pull them off and slip them back in?”
“Left that for the Secret Service live-in coroner.”
“Well, I hope he slaps them back in before the forensic photographs. I always hated the Gummy Joe look he used to ‘amuse’ me with when I took him his morning oatmeal. God, I’m glad that’s over. Is Megan coming back tonight for more ‘instruction’?”
“You know Megan only rolls on Air Force One, Jill. Without Joey, you now fly on Air Force Zero.”
“Then how about Marine One just to get me back to the White House lawn. After all, I have to steer a nation through its grief.”
“Yeah right, for about ten hours unit President Harris’ plane lands.”
“Will she actually be President by then?”
“Of course, Doctor Jill. We are going to be restaging the airplane oath-taking that we did when we swore in Johnson after knocking off Kennedy. Now that was a great photo-op. Blood and everything. Epic.”
“But there’s no bloody Jackie to weep in the background now.”
“No,” said Jeeves. “But we’re using a beaming Oprah as a stand-in. She’s put on a few pounds but if she stands at an angle to the cameras only her humongous buttocks spoil an otherwise perfect black Jackie Kennedy look.”
“Oh well,” said Dr. Jill wrapping the sweat-soaked sheets of her night of Rapinoe love around her. “I guess I’ll get a shower and get ready to announce the tragic death of a President by MyPillow to a saddened nation.”
“Yeah, right,” said Jeeves. “Just don’t forget to take that methedrine suppository. You’ve got a hard day’s night of lies ahead of you today.”
And so, in an hour, the screens of ABC/CBS/MSNBC/NBC/PBS and Bloomberg all went dark with an ominous organ chord and then came faded on images of all the famous anchors in matching BLM black t-shirts and ANTIFA arm-bands to tell the nation of the tragic passing of President Joey under the oppressive weight and lethal weapon of that traitor Mike Lindell, the MyPillow. (Lindell was, even at that moment, being picked up by the 87TH U.S. Stasi Brigade where he was hiding in the rough at Mar-A-Lago with the fat guy.)
Dr. Jill was stunning as she addressed the country with “Today I know a nation mourns….” At that point, all the covering media cut off her sound and went to a long shot of her in black with that stunning Jackie Kennedy veil somebody had taken from the Smithsonian for this solemn spontaneous moment about six months back.
At that point, all media anchors faded to black and, after ten sad seconds of Pachebel’s Canon, a weeping distraught country and world were introduced to the nation’s new and, now that there would be only one media station, only anchorman — the vegan tranny Al Sharpton: “After many months of resist-we-much trying the country’s beloved and last white president passed away gently last night under the murderous assault of his favorite MyPillow. Sad yes, but on the other hand it’s really just another old and unvaxxed white man down and he won’t be the last. (Backhoes are working across the nation as I speak.) In accordance with his and the former First Lady Whats-Her-Face wishes, Joey will be given a full state funeral before being buried at Arlington in a grave next to the nearest Civil War septic tank and beneath a stone whose immortal epitaph will be “COME ON, MAN. PERIOD.
“We take you now to the brand new Air Force One somewhere over the Pacific with that new hottie mama Prez, my babe, Kameltoe Harris where with the witnessing of Oprah she’s gonna take that ever-popular Oath of Office from some random priest dug up on the Hana Road as she begins her record-setting nine terms as President….”
Cutaway to the interior set of “Air Force One.”
Harris: “I Kameltoe Harris do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Living Constitution of the United States forever and ever.”
“You may kiss the Oprah… “