WHEN in the course of human Events, it becomes necessary….
Elements of Grammar Walk Into a Bar
byVanderleunonMay 1, 2021
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out – we don’t serve your type.”
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar – fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
a priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar,
the bartender asks them what’ll they have, the priest says two fingers of benedictine and a soda back. the bartender asks the the minister the same who replies he’ll have what the priest ordered. he turns to the rabbit and says ya know we don’t get many rabbits in here, the rabbit says I think I’m a typo.
Rob De WittMay 1, 2021, 8:09 AM
I once had a girlfriend, an English major, who habitually used pretentious language salted with malapropisms – “for all intensive purposes” was a favorite. I still get the giggles 45 years later at some of the things she said.
F’r instance….
At one point we went down to that Army Surplus store that used to be on lower Market to get some foam for a mattress and some yard goods for curtains, etc. Wende had the clerk hopping trying to find everything she was looking for while I just stayed out of the way and watched her work out. Finally she asked “Do you have any just…mundane scissors?”, and the kid said “Mundian scissors? I dunno, lemme go ask somebody” and scurried off to find a manager while I turned red trying not to crack up and thunderclouds threatened in her pretty face. I thought she was adorable, she thought she was being made fun of. It didn’t last.
For a string of beauties, try these from The Sopranos:
The one leaps to mind unbidden, causing public and unexpected laughter, is Paulie Walnuts’s explanation of some military philosophy by ascribing it to “Sun Tazoo, the Chinese Prince Matchabelli.”
ghostsniperMay 1, 2021, 8:10 AM
A black mutt walks into an old west saloon, dressed all in black.
Black hat
Black shirt
Black britches
Black boots
Black holsters with black 6 shooters
One hand is bandaged
The bartenders mouth falls open
The piano player stops playin’
The dealer stops dealin’
The dancin’ gurlz stop dancin’
All eyes turn to the mutt
The mutt says, “I’m lookin’ for the man that shot my paw.”
PA CatMay 1, 2021, 8:41 AM
A semicolon walks into a bar; having no connection with anyone there, it turns around and leaves.
Then there’s the old joke about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic who lies awake at night wondering whether dog exists.
Jay Worth AllenMay 1, 2021, 8:56 AM
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
PA CatMay 1, 2021, 9:05 AM
One Roman joke deserves another: a Latin deponent verb walks into a bar; the barkeep looks up and sighs, “Res ipsa loquitur.”
gwbnycMay 1, 2021, 9:33 AM
that’d put me t’ roamin’, too.
Auntie AnalogueMay 1, 2021, 9:48 AM
A guy walks into a bar: “OWWW!”
Some convicts never learn.
PA CatMay 1, 2021, 10:01 AM
An anticlimax walks into a bar followed by Joe Biden.
WaidmannMay 1, 2021, 11:50 AM
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up his hand with two fingers uplifted. The bartender brings him five beers.
JOE BIDENMay 1, 2021, 12:47 PM
A priest, a minister, and … aah … you know those guys with skullcaps and the beards go into …. that place where you drink … and the .. Which guy’s the Catholic? cause thats what I am and yeah, sometimes I like to imbibe, especially when I was younger and I would stand up to guys like Corn Pop, and he was a bad dude. But not around me cause I knew how to take the measure of those Negroes ………. Oh Im in trouble again, help me out here Jill ……. And for Gods sake, wear a mask
LPMay 1, 2021, 1:44 PM
All of those were funny but only one made me snort.
TonyMay 2, 2021, 9:18 AM
An Ebonics professor walk into a bar and it do be like that, n’ome sayin?
WaidmannMay 2, 2021, 8:34 PM
Tony, That’s priceless.
nunnya bidnez, jrMay 3, 2021, 5:38 AM
a cow walks into a bar n.
Auld CodgerMay 7, 2021, 8:38 AM
My 8th grade math teacher told this one circa 1964: A termite walks into a bar and asks “Where’s the bar tender?”
Real World Address for Donations, Mash Notes and Hate Mail
Gerard Van der Leun
1692 MANGROVE AVE
APT 379
Chico, Ca 95926
Green Pants Interior by Klahn
Who Am I? by Carl Sandburg
My head knocks against the stars.
My feet are on the hilltops.
My finger-tips are in the valleys and shores of universal life.
Down in the sounding foam of primal things I reach my hands and play with pebbles of destiny.
I have been to hell and back many times.
I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.
I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.
I know the passionate seizure of beauty
And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading “Keep Off.”
My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive in the universe.
Duty, Beauty, Liberty, Country, Honor, Family, Faith — Plus a few simple easy to follow rules for guys
Men saw the stars at the edge of the sea
They thought great thoughts about liberty
Poets wrote down words that did fit
Writers wrote books
Thinkers thought about it
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
Many’s the road I have walked upon
Many’s the hour between dusk and dawn
Many’s the time
Many’s the mile
I see it all now
Through the eyes of a child
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
[Chorus]
Lost dreams and found dreams
In America
In America
In America
Lost dreams and found dreams
In America
In America
In America
And close your eyes
Leave it all for a while
Leave the world
And your worries behind
You will build on whatever is real
And wake up each day
To a new waking dream
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
[Chorus]
Change, change come over
Change come over
Talkin’ about a change
Change, change
Change come over, now
Change, change, change come over
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I see my light
See my light
See my shining light
I see my light
See my light
See my shining light
Gerard Van der Leun
Comments on this entry are closed.
a priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar,
the bartender asks them what’ll they have, the priest says two fingers of benedictine and a soda back. the bartender asks the the minister the same who replies he’ll have what the priest ordered. he turns to the rabbit and says ya know we don’t get many rabbits in here, the rabbit says I think I’m a typo.
I once had a girlfriend, an English major, who habitually used pretentious language salted with malapropisms – “for all intensive purposes” was a favorite. I still get the giggles 45 years later at some of the things she said.
F’r instance….
At one point we went down to that Army Surplus store that used to be on lower Market to get some foam for a mattress and some yard goods for curtains, etc. Wende had the clerk hopping trying to find everything she was looking for while I just stayed out of the way and watched her work out. Finally she asked “Do you have any just…mundane scissors?”, and the kid said “Mundian scissors? I dunno, lemme go ask somebody” and scurried off to find a manager while I turned red trying not to crack up and thunderclouds threatened in her pretty face. I thought she was adorable, she thought she was being made fun of. It didn’t last.
For a string of beauties, try these from The Sopranos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsqf6IY-3oo
The one leaps to mind unbidden, causing public and unexpected laughter, is Paulie Walnuts’s explanation of some military philosophy by ascribing it to “Sun Tazoo, the Chinese Prince Matchabelli.”
A black mutt walks into an old west saloon, dressed all in black.
Black hat
Black shirt
Black britches
Black boots
Black holsters with black 6 shooters
One hand is bandaged
The bartenders mouth falls open
The piano player stops playin’
The dealer stops dealin’
The dancin’ gurlz stop dancin’
All eyes turn to the mutt
The mutt says, “I’m lookin’ for the man that shot my paw.”
A semicolon walks into a bar; having no connection with anyone there, it turns around and leaves.
Then there’s the old joke about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic who lies awake at night wondering whether dog exists.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
One Roman joke deserves another: a Latin deponent verb walks into a bar; the barkeep looks up and sighs, “Res ipsa loquitur.”
that’d put me t’ roamin’, too.
A guy walks into a bar: “OWWW!”
Some convicts never learn.
An anticlimax walks into a bar followed by Joe Biden.
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up his hand with two fingers uplifted. The bartender brings him five beers.
A priest, a minister, and … aah … you know those guys with skullcaps and the beards go into …. that place where you drink … and the .. Which guy’s the Catholic? cause thats what I am and yeah, sometimes I like to imbibe, especially when I was younger and I would stand up to guys like Corn Pop, and he was a bad dude. But not around me cause I knew how to take the measure of those Negroes ………. Oh Im in trouble again, help me out here Jill ……. And for Gods sake, wear a mask
All of those were funny but only one made me snort.
An Ebonics professor walk into a bar and it do be like that, n’ome sayin?
Tony, That’s priceless.
a cow walks into a bar n.
My 8th grade math teacher told this one circa 1964: A termite walks into a bar and asks “Where’s the bar tender?”