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How to Talk to Your Pansy Ass Marxist Nephew at Thanksgiving by Uncle Strickland


Happy Thanksgiving. I’m a big fan of this holiday because few things are more American than boozing up and chowing down ’til your ankles swell and your corduroys pop. In between, you get to watch some non-NFL college football and share your thoughts on the coast to coast sexual harassment fornication festival.

I consider myself a knowledgable debater because I read up on the blogs and I’m typically one of the most “liked” commenters on the articles. The reason I’m writing this is because my brother’s dumb kid likes to get chatty with me. I’ve never seen anyone bring so many printouts to the dinner table. His “talking points,” he says.

Reminds me of my last divorce, all those friggin’ printouts. This kid, my nephew, will never admit to being a communist, it’s always this “moderate independent” crap. But his Facebook feed is full of #MeToo, if you know what I mean, and he recently tweeted some gibberish about riding the bus in Czechoslovakia and identifying as a “human being” instead of what he is, an American.

He’s been a “student” at some Ivy League circlejerk for the better part of a decade. I think he’s 29, who the hell even cares? If he’s the future, this country’s digging its own grave and I’m glad I won’t be there when it finally kicks the bucket.

When I was his age, I was flying Ranger battalions into Grenada in ’83. I spent Thanksgiving there, and believe me, we didn’t have any damn printouts. We had a war, son. A lot of my buddies have similar situations in their families, and they’re always asking me for advice on how to put up with this left-wing propaganda.

Well, I’ll give you a taste. He’s gonna be all like “you’re just giving ISIS what they want.” I’ll come back at him with something like:

“You know, you raise an interesting point there, Brayden. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you invite one of your ISIS pals around the house and we’ll see how much he likes it when I slash his guts out with the turkey knife. You think that’s what he wants? They want us to crush them?

“Tell me something, how did you feel when your Little League team got mercy-ruled by those country boys in the district finals? Is that what you wanted? Were you just phoning it in for the “participant” trophy? Is that why you’re too afraid to shave that pathetic beard? Because that’s what ISIS wants?

“Am I bothering you right now? Did I carpet bomb your safe space? Maybe, just maybe, what ISIS really wants is a world with fewer people like me, who’ve looked evil in the eye and given a few titty-twisters in our day, and more people like the skinny jean cycle jockeys you pal around with at Yale, with your ska music and your websites and “fantasy” sports.

“Maybe what ISIS wants is your dental floss forearms that can barely hold a selfie stick, much less a BAR. Do those Vox cards have a talking point for that?

“Oh, really? Because I was under the impression that in A-m-e-r-i-c-a, the proper way to usher in the holiday season is with a stiff Rusty Nail, not a “dialogue” about small pox and genocide, unless you want to share your feelings about the mass murder ISIS wants to bring down on your ass or the truck they like to drive down bicycle paths in New York City? Is that a topic we can let marinate?

“I bet you had to print out the lyrics to our national anthem when you went to sing it in the quad the night during last year’s pussy hat “#resistance.”

“No, you listen. You listen, Brayden.

“When’s the last time you got a blister on those hands? Don’t mention the time you tried eating the vegan hotdog at the WNBA game you made me take you to out of “fairness.” You didn’t even watch the game. You just tweeted about sexism on your iPad. You know, that little computer screen made by Apple, which last I checked was a corporation, Mr. Occupy. Don’t deny it, I was watching you.

“You only looked up when Taylor Swift came over the PA system. How do you think that made Brittney Griner feel?

“Remind me: What’s the name of the union for people who Twitter all day from an air conditioned office? Because I don’t think “amateur food photographer” counts as a real job.”

I plan to say this to the little pansy in a firm but slightly mocking tone as I pour another bourbon while eating processed turkey and holding a lit cigarette.


HT: The dependably interesting Never Yet Melted

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  • Bunny November 21, 2017, 10:37 AM

    Re: Psycho Kid. I would like to say that seems staged, but if so the kid is one heck of a method actor. Who among us has not suffered through some variation of the dysfunctional holiday theme? Sometimes they outgrow it and for that we can be thankful.

  • Misbish November 21, 2017, 11:59 AM

    Saw this last year. It’s been around a while, and is apparently one in a series of shorts along the same line. Search you tube. Still a great watch, though!

  • Bill in Tennessee November 21, 2017, 12:43 PM

    The kid makes a great case for retroactive abortion. The dad’s .357 upstairs would do the trick.

  • MMinLamesa November 21, 2017, 12:44 PM

    Whoa. If I ever talked that way at a Thanksgiving dinner, my uncles would have taken me outside for some serious…enlightenment.

  • Dink Newcomb November 21, 2017, 11:23 PM

    BEFORE the excitable lad turned the table over I had my eye on the serving spoon in the black bowl between the father and the SOB hoping that the video would end with ol’ Dad giving the butt head a spooning! When the tables were flipped, I lost interest because in that context, that was probably the most egregious thing the mutt could have done and Dad still resisted the overwhelming need for some justice. Suppose the kid is a chapter president for antifa today?

  • Anonymous White Male November 22, 2017, 6:24 AM

    When you do speak to Brayden, after he launches one of his “enlightened” spiels, just gaze at him with a bemused look and say, “Well, you know what they say.” Let it hang. When he finally says, “What do they say?”, tell him, “Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and thinks the other person’s stinks. And it would have been nice if I had actually heard an original opinion just now instead of some canned, self-righteous, social justice warrior programming. You know, so I wouldn’t be bored whenever you open your mouth.”

  • jwm November 22, 2017, 7:30 AM

    Yeah. Tomorrow.
    I’ll be feeding a bunch of SJWs here at home. I end up doing this every year. But it is MY house. My home. My rules. Anyone who starts in on politics gets shut down fast. “This is THANKSGIVING. NO FUCKING POLITICS- GET IT?” I am just that subtle about it, too. Works every time.

    Have a blessed day, y’all.

    JWM

  • Bill Jones November 22, 2017, 12:19 PM

    Grenada a war?

    Thanks for the laugh.

  • jwm November 22, 2017, 4:25 PM

    The TRUTH about Thanksgiving that no one dares utter: (ready?)
    (shhhh)
    Roast turkey is no one’s favorite meal. If it was, then there would be lots of roast turkey restaurants, like there are steak, burger, or chicken restaurants. When was there ever a chain called “Roast Turkey House”? Here’s when: never.
    That’s why we barbecue our birdmeat. Mesquite smoke, and fire on the thighs.
    Gobble

    JWM

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