≡ Menu

Self-Preserving Skank Paulette Cooper Noble secures her title of “Most Anal-Retentive Beyotch in America”

Bad craziness in the eyes

Imagine being actually married to this walking talking nightmare. Well, some cucked “male” actually is. And it seems her deballed husband gives her piggy-back rides everywhere.

I am terrified of getting covid-19. So I sterilize my eyelids and soap my nostrils. – The Washington Post by Paulette Cooper Noble.

These measures may seem gratuitous. But they are my means of self-preservation.

Having little to do these days but wait for the novel coronavirus to spread, I take what might seem like excessive precautions. It’s not because I don’t follow the science. It’s because so few others are taking any precautions at all; those of us who want to avoid the contagion have to carry a much heavier security burden. Measures that appear gratuitous are basic efforts at self-preservation.

I start each morning by taking my temperature with an infrared thermometer and my oxygen level with my oximeter. I check the conjunctival tissue in my eyes in the mirror; examine my feet for covid-19 toes, which are skin lesions or bumps. I take a quick whiff of something smelly like peanut butter or perfume.

If I pass all these tests, I can enter the world. I fold a tissue and place it inside the top of my mask to absorb moisture and prevent steaming or sweating. I wear a face shield over my mask should anyone sneeze or cough on me, which might protect from droplets, although I know that aerosols can creep around facial shields.

I protect my eyes with “onion goggles” that have a sponge around the inside and provides a tighter fit than regular glasses. I wash them with soap and water, which seems to reduce fogging better than the “fog cloths” I purchased.

I wear disposable gloves and keep extra ones in my glove compartment and handbag, which I remove from my wrist and turn inside out, disposing of them in the nearest trash receptacle without touching.

I remove everything before I get in my car (or house) if I’ve been somewhere like a doctor’s office. In the car, I put everything in a large brown paper bag and drench my hands with sanitizer I keep away from the sun, so the alcohol doesn’t start a fire. I sanitize the car’s indoor and outdoor door handles, steering wheel, gear shift and radio buttons before I turn the air conditioner off and open the front and back windows during the trip so anything left will hopefully fly away.

Once home, having been careful not to touch my face on the trip there, I immediately wash my hands. I place each hand over the other and rub with interlaced fingers, exchanging hands, and making sure to also wash between the fingers as well as the fingertips and thumbs, which I rub rotationally in both directions. Every few washes a day, I use a nail brush under my nails and moisturizer on my hands, since I read that if your hands dry out from all the washing, the virus can hide in microscopic cracks in the skin. Once I sanitize the doorknob, I wash my face and then sanitize toilet handles and faucets.


The next thing is not something I am suggesting you do; a friend of mine who worked for Pfizer told me that as long as I’m buying the soap, I should stick some up into each nostril and wash it out a bit. He also suggested isopropyl alcohol, not to drink, but to dip a Q-Tip in and then gently move it around the inside of each nostril. It may sound almost as ridiculous as the suggestion to somehow put bleach into our bodies, but a little bit of soap and alcohol probably can’t hurt. I also dab my eyelids with Ocusoft Lid Scrub in the hopes that any virus on my eyelids won’t go any further.

I also order absolutely everything online so I will not have to go to a store. If I have to sign a credit card slip, I use the pen I keep in the car and handbag.

I also have delivery people put all items down a few feet from the door and I bring them in after. I put the bags in the sink, take the food out, spray antiseptic in the sink, on the door jamb and refrigerator handles I touched to put things away. I then wash my hands, face, nose and eyes.

When I come in contact with a person, I hold my breath and turn my face away, regardless of whether they wear a mask. I try to make all doctor’s appointments as early as possible and wait in my car until a few minutes before my appointment time rather than in a waiting room.

I don’t go into post offices — I purchased $100 worth of stamps once the pandemic started — banks or drugstores unless they have contact-free branches. If I have to pick up takeout dinners from a restaurant, I sit in the car and tell them to put the food in the trunk of my car (which I have opened from the inside the car) and to take the $5 bill I have left for them.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Mike Anderson September 10, 2020, 12:34 PM

    Jeez, what a loon.

    My GP has a simpler preventative: take a few deep breaths through an apple-vinegar-soaked piece of gauze each morning. The WuFlu bugs attack through the nose. Maybe repeat when you come home from that perilous trip to the supermarket, jam-packed with plaguey mouth-breathers that it is.

    She did have one admirable behavior: a guaranteed $5 tip for the curbside folks.

  • Lance de Boyle September 10, 2020, 1:14 PM

    But she’s REALLY good in bed!
    “Oy! He’s touching me! Why is he touching me? The man is actually touching me. Look at the man touching me. Me, he’s touching.”
    A yenta in bed
    You’re better off dead.
    She’ll nag and she’ll kvetch
    Oy, such a catch.
    She wears Hazmat clothes
    And cigars up her nose.
    [I thought the cigar motif was funny. Turns out, not so much.]

  • ghostsniper September 10, 2020, 1:51 PM

    I read the whole thing at the link…gotta be satire.
    Or somebody needin’ killin’.

  • PA Cat September 10, 2020, 2:01 PM

    The WaPoo must be desperate for material if they’re publishing sewage like this. Just a few questions: 1) Why isn’t Ms. Virophobia modeling her mask and face shield to inspire those of us adding to her “much heavier security burden”? 2) What will she do when flu season rolls around? 3) How will her “self-preservation” be maintained if the local BLM goon squad invades (and breathes on) her tony neighborhood? 4) What happens when she finds out that the spousal unit [who’s no prize either; Ed.] has taken up with Anthony Fauci [NTTAWWT]?

  • Eskyman September 10, 2020, 2:09 PM

    Sadly, she’s not alone in her madness.

    Even in Texas we’ve got plenty of loons like this. I don’t bother with Nextdoor any more; if anyone on that platform says that masks are as useful to keep out viruses as chain link fences are to keep out mosquitos, which they are, then they’re accused of wanting to kill everyone & not being neighborly.

    Ironically, anyone posting the truth is accused of being “anti-science,” which is the new religion of the Karens. Alfred Bester knew what he was talking about!

  • jwm September 10, 2020, 2:48 PM

    These people are newly minted converts to the Church of the Masked Covidians. Like all neophytes she is an unrestrained zealot for the faith. This woman obviously enjoys her ritual acts of cleansing and purification. I wish I could recall the source, but another blogger reported that maskamania is very big with the young. Many report that they LIKE wearing their masks. I can attest to this, as I see more teens and twenty-somethings diapered up than I do middle aged and older.
    I see a lot of folks posting, quite confidently, that all this will go away after the November election. They are wrong.
    The more proof you hand a fanatic that his religion is false, the tighter he will cling to it. Take a look at what is going down in the UK, and Australia. The Covidians would just love to see it happening here. This shit ain’t going away, and we’re going to have to live with these wretched, and pathetic masquetroons for the foreseeable future.


  • Auntie Analogue September 10, 2020, 3:13 PM

    It took Dave Bowman much less trouble to enter the Jupiter spacecraft that HAL had shut him out of than this frightened woman takes to get into her car.

  • PA Cat September 10, 2020, 4:13 PM

    Casey Klahn said on an earlier post that he needs some humor; the following may be just what he’s looking for:

    The new darling of the WaPoo has a website from which one can glean the following choice tidbits: She “launched her career as a freelance writer after graduating from Brandeis in 3 years with Honors. She spent a summer at Harvard studying comparative religion, and then completed an M.A degree in Clinical Psychology. Her first major article — which appeared all over the world — was the true story of how Paulette spent a week as a (successful) stowaway in order to write about it. A book has been written about Paulette titled “The Unbreakable Miss Lovely.” [She obviously doesn’t know that book titles are set in italics, not quotation marks; Ed.] . . . . Her first book, “The Scandal of Scientology” [sic] which has become world-famous, is still a classic after 50 years. What she learned about this cult led to an almost full-time crusade on her part to expose Scientology. . . . She also spent years as a part-time travel writer, and wrote a book on destination wedding resorts. Paulette withdrew from the cult-fighting front in 1985, married Paul Noble, and co-wrote four books with her husband. Paulette is still working on new books, and writes two columns for The Palm Beach Daily News. She currently lives in Palm Beach with Paul and their two teacup shih-tzus, Polo & Peek-a-Boo.”

    For more about Miss Lovely, here’s her website: http://paulettecoopernoble.com/
    The column she writes, BTW, is titled “Pet Set People.” Her husband takes photos for it. He has been in the TV business for over 40 years, starting “by producing Eleanor Roosevelt’s TV show.” More about the noble Mr. Noble here: http://www.paulrnoble.com/

    Gerard should have a field day with this power couple.

  • andre September 10, 2020, 5:04 PM

    What about her husband? Does he sanitize too? Won’t she catch something off of him if he doesn’t put alcohol in his nostrils and clean his eyelids? are they close enough to pass on germs? How about wear a biohazard suit outside, wouldn’t that be easier? Does she know that people are going to die eventually? Are there any other kinds of risks in her life to which she is averse? Was she that afraid when there were germs in the Obama era?

  • Jack September 10, 2020, 5:21 PM

    I couldn’t get through it all. Sorry, I just don’t have the stomach for shitheads like her.

  • buddhahs September 10, 2020, 5:26 PM

    PA Cat-

    If you don’t have access to character formats, a modification of the older standard of underlining titles may be indicated by placing an underscore mark at the beginning and end of the title, as in _Darkship Renegades_.

  • Casey Klahn September 10, 2020, 5:58 PM

    Thanks, PA Cat!

  • Skorpion September 10, 2020, 6:19 PM

    I’m more forgiving for Ms. Cooper-Noble. She was *driven literally insane* by $cientology goons for daring to be the first journalist to expose the cult, and won a huge settlement from them after years of sustained, heavy-duty harassment that nearly killed her. Obviously the woman has untreated PTSD that manifests itself as this OCD-like mania.
    Still, she shouldn’t have broadcast her sickness on the pages of the WaPo.

  • TrangBang68 September 10, 2020, 6:33 PM

    I thought her books were self help/ DIY manuals on giving yourself schizophrenia. Crazy bitch probably be sterilizing the car door handles and get run over by a dump trump

  • Ann Barnhardt September 10, 2020, 6:39 PM

    For the first time in her life, this woman has a religion. And she, like billions of others, is a ZEALOUS convert. That’s why this simply isn’t going to go away. These people will have to be deprogrammed/deculted. And that shit ain’t easy. Ask a former Jonestown cultist. Oh… wait…

  • Skorpion September 10, 2020, 7:16 PM

    @Ann Barnhardt: I also note the fact that she’s 78. So she’s probably terrified of sinking into the Big Sleep, and thinks this sort of lunacy will get Azrael to spare her for one more year.

    Against that, I quote Robert Anton Wilson:

    “I dreamed I called D.A.F. de Sade on the phone and asked him, ‘Jesus told me that he and you agree on at least one thing and it explains freedom. What is that one thing?’

    “‘Quite simple,” he replied, “don’t be afraid of the Cross. The fear of death is the beginning of slavery.'”

  • SLM September 10, 2020, 8:51 PM

    Sign a credit card slip? Does that still happen anywhere? Surely this is satire. Well, maybe this is satire.

  • James September 10, 2020, 9:09 PM

    I have little doubt this is NOT satire… my source is my own 75 year old mother. If she wrote this, I would only wonder why she didn’t mention caulking cracks and crevices around the house or calling the Health Department trying to stop people from going back to work. Some older people are definitely panicked about this and I blame the media 100%. She’s not like this with any other item I can remember, but something about the hype with THIS bologna had turned her paranoia dial to 11… and she gets upset, blaming others for not being as cautious as she is, thinking their disregard for the seriousness of the matter is harming her. Maybe she believes she’s reliving some other outbreak experienced from long ago… I couldn’t ever figure out. I try to avoid the subject these days.

  • ghostsniper September 11, 2020, 6:58 AM

    “Sign a credit card slip? Does that still happen anywhere?”
    I did, yesterday, at Rural King, for 4 bags of softener salt I had purchased.
    I paid with a debit card (I haven’t done credit cards since 2006) and the receipt I signed was so the dood in the parking lot where the salt was located would know I paid for it. Of course my signature was not readable even by me since I write almost nothing cursive any more.

  • Snakepit Kansas September 11, 2020, 10:57 AM

    Ever since high school drafting, I pretty much print everything. Even my signature.

  • ghostsniper September 11, 2020, 12:43 PM

    Well now Snake that’s an interesting idea, one I had never entertained. But I will now that you’ve broached it. I mean, there’s no law stating a sig needs to be cursive, right?

    But yeah, the correct working name is “upper case gothic”.
    And the useage thereof is called “lettering”.
    Printing is what, well, Hewlett Packards do.
    And just for fun, the official name for the standard triangle shaped measuring device is, “Architects and Mechanical Engineers Scale”. Civil engineers, which is the type I do mostly, use a scale that transfers everything to “per inch” scale. That is 10 feet per inch, 20 feet per inch, etc. I use it for doing building sites. Don’t use either one much any more as AutoCAD draws everything full size and then converts the drawing to whatever paper size I need, usually 24″x36″. Think I’m gonna go cash a check and see if my “lettered” signature passes muster.

  • CC September 12, 2020, 8:46 AM

    We need to go back to locking up the crazies, instead of putting them in print; or worse, electing them to public office.

  • Grace September 12, 2020, 11:34 AM

    How does the Washington Post find these Jewish Expatriates from NYC to write such an extensive article on them from Florida ? Spell casting news ?