An Open Letter to The Onion: Shoot Yourself Or...

Dear Onion,
After a couple of decades of being the nation's go-to-url for mirth, you've simply lost it. It's not working. It's lame. You are not delivering "teh funny." You are becoming merely a stand-in for a garden bulb we use to cook lots of stuff. I look upon your works at The Onion - America's Finest News Source and I see this collection of headlines wrought by your paid staff of jokesters and quipsters. These are the "fruits" of joke meetings and story conferences and all sort of "work, work, work." Your "staff" of paid comedy writers have the entire world of news to draw from and yet these are the headlines I see:

The Onion

Elsewhere, one man working in a tarpaper shack just off a logging road in the northern Maine metropolis of Rumford has limited himself to a dial-up modem news feed from Bangor. In his drafty shack, warming his bandage-wrapped fingers over the stub of a candle, he uses this slim resource to turn out these headlines day after day:

The Rumford Meteor

Moreover your Contact The Onion Page is at bold face to point out, "NOTE: Editorial submissions of any kind are not accepted." Given your recent record of being "not teh funny" I'd think you'd be on your collective knees offering to Lewinskize anybody who would even drop off a fat joke or a fart joke or a fat fart joke or....

Onion, you miserable slut, quit embarrassing yourself by standing up in front of the world saying, "Take my jokes. Please." Either fire your staff and hire this ink-stained wretch for half of what you are paying your dolts to empty their drool cups, or shoot yourself.

Respectfully submitted,

Posted by Vanderleun at September 20, 2011 10:11 AM