January 3, 2007

What If Jesus Had Had Kids?

I don't have a lot of arguments with the Lord. I expect Him to be capricious, irrational, and possessed of a mind and purpose beyond the comprehension of the smart monkeys. Why? Because, as God, He can.

I don't expect Him to answer my prayers because it is a very big universe and He's got a lot on his plate -- even for a Supreme Being. Imagine, if you will, being God in His office and deciding to step away from Your desk for a minute to get Yourself a beverage from the Holy Vending Machine (No charge). You're away for about 45 seconds but when You get back there are 25,345,654 "While You Were Out" slips on your desk along with about 100,000,000 items of Spam from Tibetan Prayer Wheels. What could You do, even if You were God. You'd just answer as many as You could at random, and then break early for a long lunch.

On top of this, our general behavior doesn't make it any easier for Him. In this, I'm a fan of the George Burns line in OH, GOD! where, as God, he remarks, "It's up to you. I gave you everything you need."

Which he did.

None of this really gets to me. I'm used to God's ways and don't expect any special favors from HIm and do count my many, many blessings.

It's the silence I can't take. I mean, 2,000 years is a long time between messages and messengers, and we've just about used up all the possible interpretations of the New Testament and are starting on lap number 2,365 for the Old Testament. You can say what you want about that latter day Supreme Being's Condensed Version of the Bible, the Koran, but at least there's only one book and when you've got it memorized you've got it. No radical departures. Lest your head leave your shoulders.

That's why I've started to think it would be nice if Jesus has had kids. I know about the "only Son" rule and I'm down with it. Somehow "The Holy Octogon" just wouldn't have the same ring. But where does it say that the Son couldn't have had a Son?

Jesus certainly had time to get this together, and it would seem to me it would be part and parcel of "living a full life in the flesh." Maybe he did and just kept it all on the down-low. If so, it would be human, all too human. Still, it would have been nice if it had happened and He had given it a little PR. Sometimes I think all these vapid super-heroes our pop-culture keeps dreaming up are an unconscious yearning for the Divine, one step removed.

Besides, a son of the Son would have given us, especially during the Son's son teenage years, a third book to argue over, "The Way-New Testament." It would probably have been written in some sort of Aramic text-messaging but that would speed up the translation process (Hey, can we kick those bozos at the The Dead Sea Scrolls project up to tortoise speed please?), and it would engage our own feckless and foundationless youth.

But the real boon to all of this would be a break in God's silence over these past 2,000 years. As a father I can well understand why you don't want to talk about your child if things are not going well, if, say, He's still living and home after a couple of millennia, just hanging around your right hand, and all he does -- day in and day out -- is to judge the quick and the dead. (How hard can that be, really?). Yes, there's a lot of things your kids do that you are not to quick to talk about.

But nobody, even the Supreme Being, can resist saying -- on a daily, if not hourly basis --- "Let Me tell you about My grandchildren...."

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Posted by Vanderleun at January 3, 2007 11:51 AM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Don't forget He had a Jewish mother-- He'd have had to clear the kid thing with her first.

Posted by: Connecticut Yankee at January 3, 2007 8:25 PM

Having married into the faith, I have some insight into this -- having a Jewish mother makes it even more incomprehensible that there were no grandchildren. Pinning, haranguing, begging, pleading, reminding, encouraging sons & daughters for grandchildren is an honored pastime of Jewish mothers.

Which reminds me of my favorite Jewish joke:
"A waiter addresses a table of Jewish women enjoying a group lunch and asks 'Excuse me Ladies, is anything here alright?'"

Posted by: Nils Desperandum at January 4, 2007 5:43 AM

Hi Gerard,

It is true that God does not give lectures at prestigious venues nor does He give press conferences everytime a minor demigod makes a political power play.

However, He does speak to many ordinary people everyday with a still small voice that comforts them and instructs them.

When I first found this out, I was shell-shocked. "Surely this must be a figment of the human imagination...or worse", I though to myself.

As time has gone by, I have become convinced of the reality of God's active and vigorous involvment in the lives of those who have called out to Him by His name.

Posted by: bleedingbrain at January 4, 2007 8:55 AM

It is as the guy said, "I've given you all you need". And somehwere in the New Testament, Jesus says (when someone asks him for a sign, that he might believe), "Look guys, you have Moses and the prophets - if that isn't enough for you, there's not much else I can do".

Posted by: ZZMike at January 4, 2007 10:18 AM

...about 100,000,000 items of Spam from Tibetan Prayer Wheels...

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Posted by: rickl at January 4, 2007 7:07 PM

According to oral tradition, Jesus actually did come close to marriage and children. However, it pretty much put the kibosh on things when the rabbi refused to perform the wedding ceremony unless they promised not to baptize their children.

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at January 5, 2007 9:12 AM

That were funny Gerard. God is chuckling...

Posted by: Doug Anderson at January 5, 2007 10:10 AM


I hope you have availed yourself of the opportunity to wander over to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at the Pacific Science Center. If not, hurry!

Posted by: Cris at January 5, 2007 11:55 AM

Gerard, Since you seem to hunger and thirst for more, check out the Book of Mormon.

Posted by: bookdad at January 8, 2007 12:00 PM
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