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“You Bring Out the Boring White Guy in Me” by Jim Daniels

you bring out the boring white guy in me
the Ward Cleaver in me. The Pat Boone
in me. The K-Mart in me. The Slurpee
in me. The boiled hotdog in me. The mac
and cheese in me. The Tang in me.
You bring out the Hamburger Helper
in me. You bring out the Twinkie
in me. The Cheez Whiz in me.
You bring out the bowling trophy
in me. The student council in me.
The parliamentary procedure in me.
The missionary position in me.
You bring out the canned vegetables
in me. The Jell-o in me. The training
wheels in me. You bring out
the lawn edger in me. The fast-food
drive-thru window in me. The Valu
Meal in me. You bring out the white
briefs in me. You bring out
the cheap beer and weak coffee
in me. You bring out the 15%
tip chart in me. The sad overweight
weekend golfer in me. You bring out
the ex-smoker in me. The jumper
cables in the trunk with flares
and the red flag to tie to the window
in me. You bring out the Tony Orlando
in me. The canned situation comedy
laughter in me. The elevator music
in me. You bring out the medley
of TV commercial jingles in me.
The Up with People in me.
I’ve come to a complete stop
at the stop sign. I’ve got my
emergency flashers on. My doors
are locked, baby,
I’m waiting for you.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Joel May 24, 2021, 7:50 AM

    I’m sorry. 🙁

  • Sam L. May 24, 2021, 8:11 AM

    I took the antidote to all that. Won’t tell you why or when, nor where to get it. You have to find it for yourself.

  • Bunny May 24, 2021, 8:52 AM

    He don’t have to impress you
    He’s secure in every way
    It’s okay to be boring
    And bein’ white’s okay…
    He ain’t worried ’bout status
    Or what the phonies gonna say
    It feels good to be boring
    And bein’ white’s okay…🎶🎵🎸

  • gwbnyc May 24, 2021, 8:54 AM

    I love this and have had a friend or two turn skeptical on me for sending it to them.

  • Schill McGuffin May 24, 2021, 8:59 AM

    Some would call it appropriation to have Tony Orlando included in there, but that’s part of what makes it great.

  • Anonymous May 24, 2021, 9:15 AM

    You Bring Out the Mexican In Me by Sandra Cisneros

    …You bring out the Dolores del Río in me.
    The Mexican spitfire in me.
    The raise Cain and dance with the rooster-footed devil in me.
    The spangled sequin in me.
    The eagle and serpent in me.
    The mariachi trumpets of the blood in me.
    The Aztec love of war in me.
    The fierce obsidian of the tongue in me.
    The berrinchuda, bien-cabrona in me.
    The Pandora’s curiosity in me.
    The pre-Columbian death and destruction in me.
    The rainforest disaster, nuclear threat in me.
    The fear of fascists in me…

    You bring out the colonizer in me.
    The holocaust of desire in me.
    The Mexico City ‘85 earthquake in me.
    The Popocatepetl/Ixtaccihuatl in me.
    The tidal wave of recession in me.
    The Agustín Lara hopeless romantic in me.
    The barbacoa taquitos on Sunday in me.
    The cover the mirrors with cloth in me…

    You bring out the Uled-Nayl in me.
    The stand-back-white-bitch-in me.
    The switchblade in the boot in me.
    The Acapulco cliff diver in me.
    The Flecha Roja mountain disaster in me.
    The dengue fever in me…

  • gwbnyc May 24, 2021, 9:23 AM

    you want the true Tony Orlando you want to find “Stickball”.

  • ghostsniper May 24, 2021, 10:28 AM

    I had a uncooked spam sando for lunch with a little mustard.
    And a navel orange. They was good.

    I set right there in the yard, in the sun, soakin up that vitamin D while the mutt laid there staring at a cicada shell attached to a dandelion. couple butterflies fluttered by and a chipmunk sat over there hunched on his back feets, I threw a piece of bread but it wasn’t enough to pique it’s interest. Then I stretched the hose out in the yard and cut about a foot out of it where it got kinked in years past and always kinks when it’s used, and screwed in 2 new ends. voila’ fixed! Now it’s time for a nap…but I think I’ll walk down to the creek out back first. Maybe there’ll be some deers down there again. 86 degrees. That just too dam warm. Might have to turn the AC on by next week.

  • Gordon Scott May 24, 2021, 2:10 PM

    Wow, 86 degrees, eh? I have discovered the truth about living in Arizona, and that truth is, it gets really hot here. 86 degree days are soon to be wistful memories, now that it typically gets to 100. And 115 is coming.

    I discovered that folks like about their electric bills. Mine is $128, and really only 2/3 of a month. And power is inexpensive here, about 7.5 cents per kwh. Except, between 3:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m., on weekdays, when the price goes to 35 cents per kwh. It is easy to spend more in those three hours than in the other 21. And Salt River Project, which is not a band name but the company that supplies my power and water, will break down your usage for you.

    So, I am buying a thermostat which will ensure that my air conditioner will not switch on during that peak time. SRP even tells you to set your programmable thermostat to pre-cool in the three hours before, three degrees lower than your comfort level. And in truth, I should rarely be home during those hours anyway.

    But it’s a dry heat! And it is. They sell these VW-sized evaporative coolers that people set up outside, to get a cool breeze blowing on them. I’d install one on the house, but it’s a 1970s trailer, and one has to be very careful about the walls, as they are thin.

  • ghostsniper May 24, 2021, 3:01 PM

    Ya know Gordon that if your AC is off for a long period of time when you turn it back on it will run for a long time to catch up. You can thank the thermal bridging, and other things, in the exterior envelope for that.

    Lets say you live in a home that has 2×4 stud walls, plywood exterior structural sheathing and drywall interior sheathing and some sort of insulation in the stud cavities. Where the ext plywood connects to the studs and then to the drywall, that is a thermal bridge and it transfers the outside heat directly into the interior space. You can feel this thermal bridging with your hand on the interior walls.

    Your best bet it to keep the AC on all the time at a temp you can live with. Keep all ceiling fans on all the time. Block as much radiant heat through the exterior envelope as possible (windows, doors, etc.). And have an expert insure that the unit is performing as it should. The only variation in this is if there is a substantial exterior heat drop during the night.

    There are several things you can do to change this dynamic to your advanatge but they are all best, and more affordable, if the home is under design or construction as it is much more expensive to existing homes. Consult local experts.

  • Rob De Witt May 24, 2021, 5:17 PM

    Ghost –

    Good info from somebody who knows.

    Gracias.

  • Gordon Scott May 24, 2021, 6:00 PM

    Thank you, Ghost. I am always up for good advice.
    It is a 1976-made trailer, single wide 14 x 60. I’m pretty sure the outside walls are 2×4 framed, but the interior walls are odd in so many ways. Some walls are 2×2 framed. This means one has to buy special outlets and switches, as ordinary ones are too deep. Interior doors are 1″, meaning one must buy special doorknobs.
    But some walls are nothing more than that 1970s wood paneling around a frame, with nothing behind the paneling. There’s a wall in the living room that has the 2×2 studs exposed with some sort of panel between them. I don’t think there’s any Sheetrock. The exterior is metal.
    The windows are single-pane sliding, screwed to the exterior. One half of the window has a screen. I am told that I should make a frame for the other half, and use this special light-blocking screen material for both. Even though the three windows that get serious sunlight are completely blocked by white mini-blinds, the power of the sun gets through.
    I was home today because I engaged a contractor to look at the combo heating/cooling system, and explain it to me. I’m not familar with these at all; I don’t even know where the filter is. There must have been an older system, as there are ceiling vents in all the rooms. The current airflow comes through the floor vents.
    Sadly the contractor did not show or call.
    I made the mistake of clicking through on a solar panel ad. It was amazing. Three seconds after I finished entering my information my phone rang. It was the first of three calls from the same referral service. But it turns out they mostly don’t want to do trailers, which cuts out at least a third of the housing here. Some contractors will if it’s off the wheels and affixed to the ground, and you own the lot. Those don’t apply to me, so no one wants to sell me $20,000 of subsidized Chinese solar panels.

  • ghostsniper May 24, 2021, 6:37 PM

    Gordon, you NEED to find the AC filter and change it out ASAP. Don’t delay, this is dangerous. 1/4 of all *residential fires* in Florida come from blocked AC intakes with clogged filters. We change ours every 3 months.

    Find your AC unit inside the trailer. Figure out how to remove the panel(s) on the front. After the panels are removed, look along the inside of the sides of the unit for anything that looks like a filter. It should slide right out. Turn the AC off and try to vacuum where the filter was located on the unit. If the filter has not been changed for awhile there is most likely some dust and debris build up around the area. Take the old filter to the big box and buy several of them to have on hand. Install filter and reverse the steps above. You should notice marked improvement in performance.

    The windows. While at the big box buy a roll of “mirrored” window tint and cut and apply it to the windows. Go slow if you haven’t done it before. Clean the glass and the frames. Measure and cut the tint. Wet the glass with soapy water. apply the tint, use a small squeegee to squeeze all the water out. Clean up all the excess water. The mirrors will reflect the sun and UV and the tint will cool the interior. You can also get some inexpensive black curtain at the dollar store.

    Next week will be hotter than this week and if you do the above this week you should be more comfortable and less broke from AC costs next week.

    **When the AC filter is blocked the fan motors must work harder to keep up with the signal the thermostat is sending. The motors will have to run longer to compensate. If the motors are old this is even more dangerous. Hot motors spontaneously catch fire and can blow flames through the ductwork catching the whole place on fire. In newer AC units there are sensors installed that can tell if this is the problem and shut the whole thing down. The typical homeowner has no idea what happened. They just know the little digital box on the wall doesn’t make the house cool and everything is turning 900 degrees right now! The AC techs love this stuff and have you at the disadvantage. Instead of resetting the tripped solenoid they are going to sell you a $600 fan motor + $300 in labor. They will send your old working fan motor back to the manuf and collect a fat “core charge” for it. WIN WIN! YaY!!!!

    Now, where do I send my consultation invoice to? Just kidding. lol

  • Gordon Scott May 24, 2021, 6:42 PM

    Ghost, does the mirror tint go on the inside?

  • Gordon Scott May 24, 2021, 6:59 PM

    After looking at the outside unit, I could not find a logical location for the filter. But I did find one under the air return grate. It is that stiff black plastic mesh stuff, and it’s really dirty. I shall go visit the large orange store for a replacement.

  • Anon May 24, 2021, 7:56 PM

    Meta.

  • Gordon Scott May 24, 2021, 9:48 PM

    Filter issues resolved!

  • ghostsniper May 25, 2021, 4:37 AM

    Gordon, yes, tinted film always goes on the inside. If you have a “split package” AC system the outside part is the compressor and there is nothing for it to filter. A split package consists of 2 separate units, the outside unit is the compressor and the inside unit is the condenser. The condenser is the part that actually circulates the air through the duct work. The ductwork has 2 systems, the Supply, and the Return. The Supply is the cold air you feel coming out of the smaller ducts in each room. In most places under say, 2000 sf living area, there will be 1 Return air duct or register and it is usually bigger than the other ducts. The Return ducts and register pull the air from the space and cycle it back through the system before sending it back out into the the space via the Supply ducts. In typical residential applications the return air filter is behind the Return air register, or grill. In a trailer I will assume this register or grill is located close to the floor. As far as the black mesh, that sounds like somebodies make-shift idea on how to get buy if they didn’t have a real filter. dunno Anyway, I hope you get it all squared away. With summer coming and prices rising it’s only prudent to find every way possible to cut costs.

  • John Venlet May 25, 2021, 6:41 AM

    I had a uncooked spam sando for lunch with a little mustard.

    Ghostsniper, I’m not opposed to an uncooked Spam sandwich, but prefer to give a few slices a nice quick sear in a hot fry pan, prior to slapping them down on the bread and then topping with mustard. The sear takes that Spam sandwich to a whole new level.

    Growing up, our family had what we called Spam and cheese EVERY Sunday night. Our Mum would grind up in an old fashioned meat grinder a can of Spam and about a third of a block of ol’ Velveeta cheese. She then would mix in a couple heaping table spoons of Miracle Whip to create a spread, which Mum would then spread on the halves of hamburger buns and lay them out on a cookie sheet. After that, she’d pop them in the broiler for a quick broil; us kids all enjoyed the little burnt spots if they were a bit over broiled; and then set that try down on the dining room table for us 8 kids and Dad to dig into. We’d slather those Spam and cheese up with a good stone ground Mustard; in our case Boetje’s mustard a good Dutch mustard; and we’d chow them down. We’d go through 24 hamburg bun halves of them right quick. Mum always served the Spam and cheese with a good garlic dill pickle, and strawberry jello with whipped cream for desert, though occasionally Dad would call for orange jello with mandarin oranges mixed in, which us kids really did not eat with as much gusto as he did. Give those spam and cheese a try. You’ve inspired me to make some up for lunch today.

  • ghostsniper May 25, 2021, 9:21 AM

    John, Let’s do lunch! At your Mum’s house!

    Last night I made a 13 ingredient salad for me and the wife.
    That requires about 45mins of cleaning, peeling, and chopping of the items.
    I got out that left over spam and cut it in 1/2″ slices and after cutting 2 slices into 1″ chunks which I put on a small plate and the rest back in the fridge. Then, while chopping the vegs for the salad I’d grab a chonk of that luscious spam and throw it right down that bottomless cave. DAWGEEZ!!!!

    I ran all over the county this morning getting stuff done and now, at 12:40 am I am famished so guess what the immediate future holds for that remaining spam in the fridge? You got it. nom nom nom….

  • Vanderleun May 25, 2021, 9:34 AM

    Well, that large wisdom sandwich from Mr. G. Sniper worked for me as well. It reminded me that I hadn’t changed my apts. air filter in over a year so I took it out of its place behind the big intake next to the AC/Heat unit and it was starting to flex due to the buildup of dust and cat hair. Slapped in a fresh filter and whammo….. better cooling instantly.

  • bruce garrett May 25, 2021, 1:20 PM

    Gordon, another mandatory thing for good cooling is cleaning the coils on the outside unit. Coils are visible and look like a car radiator. You can buy spray cans of cleaner and do it yourself. Turn the power off, spray the coils and use a garden hose to rinse off. The cleaner is an acid and you want to spray the hose from the inside out which reverses the usual pattern of dirt being pulled in.

  • gwbnyc May 25, 2021, 2:07 PM
  • Zaphod May 25, 2021, 8:09 PM

    Looks suspiciously like an Albino You-know-what though.

  • EX-Californian Pete May 25, 2021, 9:24 PM

    I have to ask- who exactly is the “you” (of you make me) that’s being referred to?

    I’ll go out on a limb and divide the “you” into two categories;

    First, the “Biden voters” and Liberals who have done so much damage to our society and government-

    “You” make me-
    #1- Spend damn near every single day working out, always striving to bench press more, do more curls with more poundage, more reps, more crunches, more squats, more cardio.
    #2- Are the reason my heavy (70 lb) bag has multiple layers of cheap duct tape, more stitches every month from my sewing awl, and painted areas to determine the height of my kicks and punches are delivered to vital areas. And strive to deliver KO kicks to that 86″ height I used to do so well.
    #3- Make me speedwalk and run more nowadays than I have in many years, to fight back against the inevitable restrictions that age will eventually bring me.
    #4- Make me glad to see every new grey hair on me- a sign that I have weathered and overcome the challenges of the years, and will continue to do so until I dirt nap.
    #5- Up the enjoyment of visiting my local shooting range daily- whether to sharpen my shooting skills, test out reloads, collect brass, or just meet with fellow “gunnies.”
    #6- Keep my gunsmithing and reloading skills up to scratch, and attending gun shows and auctions.
    #7- Become closer to The Almighty daily, knowing that the worse you make things for mankind, the more I pray, and try to become unlike you and yours.
    #8- Laugh at your insanity, evil, and ignorance, knowing that you are subhuman in your beliefs and acts.
    #9- Become physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stronger daily- because those are the qualities you lack, and the ones necessary to defeat you.
    #10- Feel sorry for how milquetoast, fragile, and easily “offended” you have become.

    For the “normal-red-blooded American citizens” type-

    You make me –
    #1- Proud to be your brother, have your 6, and your having my 6.
    #2- Happy to know that there are more than enough of us to make things better. (as they once were)
    #3- Inspired to do more good, make others’ lives better, be charitable and supportive.
    #4- Relax, rather than be concerned or upset due to the current crises, which will pass.
    #5- Gain strength through your strength and commitment, so as to strengthen others of our kind.
    #6- Reaffirm my faith in mankind. my faith in God, and my faith in the American way.

    [5star]