And yes I know that a terrible thing happened on the far side of the world that somehow was caused by President Trump merely breathing, but not everyone can get spun up over it. Not everyone at all. Once they spin you up it’s very hard to spin yourself down.
And so… now for something completely different… Government Film No. 42: How Not to Be Seen
[picture of forest]
Announcer: In this picture, there are 47 people; none of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you the value
of not being seen. Here is Mr. Bagthorpe of London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now, I’m gonna ask him to stand up. Mr. Bagthorpe, will you stand up please?
[Bagthorpe stands up, gets shot, and dies]
Announcer: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
The Dead Parrot
Customer: Hello I wish to register a complaint. Hello Miss?
Shop Assistant: What do you mean Miss?
Customer: Oh, I’m sorry I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shop Assistant: Sorry, we’re closing for lunch.
Customer: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shop Assistant: Oh yes the Norwegian Blue – what’s wrong with it?
Customer: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, it’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it.
Shop Assistant: No, no it’s resting, look.
Customer: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I’m looking at one right now.
Shop Assistant: No, no it’s not dead it’s resting…
Shop Assistant: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage innit?
Customer: The plumage don’t enter into it, it’s stone dead.
Shop Assistant: No no it’s resting.
Customer: Alright then, if it’s resting I’ll wake it up. “Halloo Polly! I’ve got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up Polly parrot!
Shop Assistant: (Knocks the cage) There it moved!
Customer: No it didn’t! That was you pushing the cage!
Shop Assistant: I did not!
Customer: Yes you did! Halloo Polly! Pooolly! (bangs it on counter) Polly Parrot! Wake up! (bangs it on counter) Polly! (throws it on the floor) Now that’s what I call a dead parrot.
Shop Assistant: No no it’s stunned.
Customer: Look my lad I’ve had just about enough of this, that parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Shop Assistant: It’s probably pining for the fjords.
Customer: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
Shop Assistant: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back, it’s a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Shop Assistant: Well of course it was nailed there otherwise it would of muscled up to those bars and “voom”!
Customer: Look matey, this parrot wouldn’t “voom” if I put 4,000 volts through it, its bleedin’ demised.
Shop Assistant: It’s not, it’s pining.
Customer: It’s not pining it’s passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! This, is a late parrot! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch it would be pushin’ up the daisies! It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! “THIS IS AN EX PARROT!”
Shop Assistant: Well, better replace it then (walks into store cupboard)
Customer: If you wanna get anything done in this country you gotta complain ’till you’re blue in the mouth.
Shop Assistant: Sorry guv, we’re right out of parrots.
Customer: I see, I see, I get the picture.
Shop Assistant: I’ve got a slug.
Customer: Does it talk?
Shop Assistant: Not really, no.
Customer: Then it’s scarcely a replacement then.
Shop Assistant: Look mate, I didn’t wanna work in a pet shop. I wanted to be a lumberjack…
The War Against Pornography
Documentary Presenter: The gastropod is a randy little fellow whose tiny brain scarcely strays from the subject of you-know-what. The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet; this hot-blooded little beast, with its tent-like shell, is always on the job. Its extramarital activities are something startling. Frankly, I don’t know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock face! How am I doing?
George: But more interesting!
Documentary Presenter: Another loose-living gastropod is the periwinkle. This shameless little libertine with its characteristic ventral locomotion is not the marrying kind! “Anywhere, anytime” is its motto, off with the shell and they’re at it!
Gladys: What about the lemmelebrates?
Documentary Presenter: I’m coming to them. The Great Scallop: This tacky, scrofulous old rapist is second in depravity only to the common clam. This latter is a right whore! A harlot! A cynical, bed-hopping, firm-breasted, Rabelaisian bit of seafood that makes Fanny Hill look like a dead pope! And finally, among the lemmelebrate bivalves, that most depraved of the whole subspecies, the whelk. The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind! This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacian, this mincing mollusk, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick!
Announcer: We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government. Nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent. Nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby, ulcerous, little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. We are sorry if this impression has come across.
Firefighting in Reverse
The Galaxy Song
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you’ve had quite enough….
Automotive observation via Ol’ Remus at the Woodpile Report.
Just remember that you’re standing on a planet that’s evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour
That’s orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it’s reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour
Of the galaxy we call the ‘Milky Way’
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It’s a hundred thousand light years side to side
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick
But out by us, it’s just three thousand light years wide
We’re thirty thousand light years from galactic central point
We go ’round every two hundred million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know
Twelve million miles a minute, and that’s the fastest speed there is
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space
‘Cause there’s bugger-all down here on Earth!