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When the World’s On Its Ass the Japanese Have the Perfect Paper

Usagi Luxury Toilet Paper Gift Set (Pack of 8 Rolls) –$ 90

It isn’t just another pretty face: the toiler [sic] paper in the Usagi Luxury Toilet Paper Gift Set is among the best toilet paper you can find in Japan in terms of quality and softness. For the stunning presentation, it has been awarded with the 2016 Omotenashi Selection Award. Coming in an eight-roll set with wrapping made from handmade traditional washi paper, a distinctive red tube that forms a striking red-on-white combination evocative of Japan’s national flag, and a three-ply for an extra level of durability, this luxury toilet paper certainly stands out and begs to be felt. When you are at home, it’s never too much to indulge in some simple pleasures like this toilet paper provides.

Or, if you live beyond the “simple pleasures” take a ride on these Imperial sheets:

It only takes a feel of the Hanebisho Imperial Household Luxury Toilet Paper ($80)  to understand why it is supplied to the Imperial Household Agency and used by Japan’s emperors and princes: this is way beyond your usual toilet paper.

The Hanebisho Imperial Household Luxury Toilet Paper is made of 100% natural pulp, each roll wrapped in handmade washi paper (in three different yet suitable regal colors of blue, green, and white), and comes in a set of three in a beautiful gift box. Too discreet to have a fragrance but with a delicate butterfly pattern that recalls classic craftsmanship, this two-ply paper is equally as home in your home toilet as it is on a shelf or mantlepiece as decoration or an ornament.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • gwbnyc April 13, 2022, 7:38 PM

    Show me a luxury keester, and I’ll show you a stag at bay.

    Natural pulp.

  • ThisIsNotNutella April 13, 2022, 7:50 PM

    How many of you grumpy old manly men are secret devotees of Japan’s greatest gift to Humankind, the Toto Washlet? Asking for a Friend.

    • gwbnyc April 13, 2022, 9:14 PM

      I drowned a little dog with mine before I broke down and read the instructions.

    • azlibertarian April 14, 2022, 6:23 AM

      Because I don’t own one myself, I can’t say that I’m a devotee yet, but I am definitely a fan. I used to visit Tokyo frequently and the toilets in the hotel were a favorite experience.

    • James ONeil April 14, 2022, 12:27 PM

      Japan in one sentence; Japan, cold houses, warm toilet seats.

      • Daniel K Day April 14, 2022, 9:23 PM

        James ONeil, you missed your chance. You should have written that as a haiku.

  • Geoff C. The Saltine April 13, 2022, 7:54 PM

    Usagi TP ” three ply for an extra level of durability” so how many times can you use it before it quits working.
    Quite the gift for that special asshole in your life.

  • Hale Adams April 13, 2022, 8:13 PM

    As Gerard is fond of asking:

    “The Japanese: Nuked too much, or not enough?”

    Hale Adams
    Pikesville, People’s still-mostly-Democratic Republic of Maryland

    • Hale Adams April 13, 2022, 8:16 PM

      An edit function? Kewl!

      Hale Adams
      Pikesville, People’s still-mostly-Democratic Republic of Maryland

  • PA Cat April 13, 2022, 8:32 PM

    Well, the Japanese take care of feline toileting needs too– the U.S. subsidiary of Iris Ohyama offers no fewer than 17 types and sizes of litter boxes, with or without scoops:

    No mention of whether the Imperial Household provides one of these for its resident cats.
    Meanwhile, it wouldn’t surprise me if the Biden “cottage” in Delaware is supplied with Imperial Household Luxury Toilet Paper– nothing but the best for JoJo and Hunter.

  • Swap Meet Louie April 13, 2022, 9:14 PM

    Toilet paper is a construct of the white male patriarchy.
    Equality will finally be achieved at the egalitarian slit trench latrine.
    Do not personalize your place at the trench as nothing is unique in the people’s unity hive collective.
    Rat meat kebabs are available free of charge by the 55 gallon hope and change burn barrels.

    • Vanderleun April 15, 2022, 8:37 AM


  • Mike Austin April 14, 2022, 3:10 AM

    Imagine how much Lizzo would need to clean her rump after defecation.

    • Snakepit Kansas April 14, 2022, 3:14 AM

      I hope I can black that thought from my mind quickly.

    • ghostsniper April 14, 2022, 4:14 AM

      It can’t reach it’s own anus.

      It must waddle into the curbless shower and hand held high pressure nozzles to blast away the massive amount of fecal matter built up around the periphery of it’s gesticulating sphincter. The shower has an industrial grade 10″ drain pipe with grinder function.

    • Jack April 14, 2022, 6:45 AM

      I’d wager the TP at her crib is for guests only. There is no way that Lizzo Potato Head could even approach the task without a fixture that includes a high pressure hose or two. Or three. And a room to accommodate the process.

      But her life revolves around the vile, the repulsive and offensive behavior and performance and from what I have seen, with consideration given to all human repulsiveness, she has outclassed everyone else in the repulsive category. And people eat that crap with a spoon.

      • Mike Austin April 14, 2022, 7:55 AM

        I just watched as much of one of her videos as I could tolerate. “Repulsive” does not begin to describe this vile and talentless sheboon. And to think that Caucasian teens wish to emulate the creature. If I were not sitting in my home, I would spit.

        Any culture that would elevate such a vulgar and grotesque beast to the pinnacle of stardom does not deserve to survive. And it won’t.

  • Hoss April 14, 2022, 4:14 AM

    Just give me my Scott’s please.

    • Univ of Saigon 68 April 14, 2022, 7:32 AM

      Forget it. During the dark days of the start of Covid, we went shopping at Costco for TP. All the other lemmings had gotten there before us and took all the good stuff. We like the kind with the bear family on the package, you know, the blue ones. Anyhoo, we were lamenting this to some wise-ass friends, and as a joke they put a ribbon on a Scotts roll and left it on the porch. I used it a couple times. It’s thin as onion skin and about half a mile long. You need twenty sheets per wipe. Sometimes I forget to bring a new roll of bear family TP into the downstairs bathroom, and I have to get the Scotts out of the cabinet. Two and a half years later there’s still half a roll left.

      • Hoss April 14, 2022, 11:40 AM

        20 sheets? You can easily get the job done in 10 or less. Lol.

  • Mike Anderson April 14, 2022, 4:33 AM

    Gerard is fond of repeating the Secret Real American Mantra “Anything worth doing is worth over-doing.” Occasionally, the Japanese dial this one up to 12.

  • Hyland April 14, 2022, 5:31 AM

    Certainly California should be a front runner for a good nuking. The legislature there wants to approve spending a million bucks to make menstrual products available to “men” and every other variety of gender… numbering somewhere towards 58 or so? https://campusreform.org/article?id=17893

  • LadyBikki April 14, 2022, 5:44 AM

    Curiosity got the better of me and I checked out the website.
    They sell a driftwood scented version and I wondered exactly what that might smell like…dead fish and seaweed ?
    A curious mind is not always a good thing.

  • James ONeil April 14, 2022, 12:31 PM

    & Japans the only country I’ve visited that has a terrycloth towel museum.

  • Lance de Boyle April 14, 2022, 12:46 PM

    We were too poor to afford toilet paper.
    [Oh hell. Is he doing that ‘We were so poor’ schtick again?… It appears so.]
    We would string a thick rope between two trees….because you can’t string a rope between one tree…. straddle it, and run back and forth a few times.
    Sure we gave ourselves prolapsed rectums and were often mistaken for baboons.
    But we liked it.
    Not like today’s tender butt hole babies.
    “Oy a rope.”
    I blame it on the Cisco Kid’s fag outfit.

    • ghostsniper April 14, 2022, 1:02 PM

      Hey! He was a friend of mine!