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The WizDumb of Childhood

“Why don’t you come with me little girl on a magic carpet ride?”

  1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
  2. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
  3. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.
  4. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
  5. A 3-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  6. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  7. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
  8. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
  9. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  10. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
  11. Always locate the hamster and look in the oven before you turn it on.
  12. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
  13. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
  14. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  15. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  16. Any sentence which contains the word ‘Oooops’ is bad.
  17. Any sentence beginning with, “How much do you love me?” means ‘prepare for bad news’.
  18. Baseballs make marks on ceilings
  19. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
  20. Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
  21. Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
  22. And cats get even.
  23. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
  24. But not all Legos.
  25. Collecting things is good.
  26. Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
  27. Eating string is a bad hobby.
  28. Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
  29. Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
  30. ‘Fan’ and ‘flour’ should never be heard in the same sentence.
  31. Finger painting is good.
  32. Finger painting walls is dangerous.
  33. Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
  34. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  35. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,they can ignite.
  36. If you hear the words, “Can ya eat a lizard’s tail?” it’s too late.
  37. If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my hands,” you don’t want to know.
  38. If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my mouth,” you REALLY don’t want to know.
  39. Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy’s mood.
  40. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  41. McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
  42. Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.
  43. Never light fireworks inside.
  44. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  45. No time is a good time to hear, “Daddy, your tires are ‘hisssssing.'”
  46. Nor do you want to hear, “Your new cell phone doesn’t work underwater.”
  47. ‘Play Dough’ and ‘Microwave’ should never be used in the same sentence.
  48. Quiet does not necessarily mean everything’s just fine.
  49. Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
  50. Setting the hamster free changes the cat’s mood.
  51. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you’d imagine would remain forever.
  52. Super glue is forever.
  53. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  54. The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
  55. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
  56. Throwing daddy’s wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
  57. Two AM is not a good time to hear, “Daddy, diapers don’t flush!”
  58. Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
  59. VCR’s do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  60. Walnuts make the blender act funny.
  61. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
  62. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
  63. You never want to hear, “Watch me fly!” coming from the roof.
  64. ‘I don’t know.’ is not an acceptable explanation or legal plea.
  65. “Why do fish float?” means trouble.

[NB: From where and when this list cometh we don’t know. — Olive, Miss ]

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Richard May 27, 2021, 8:44 AM

    “I don’t quite know how to tell you this, but a have a little “surprise” for you.” Words you never want to hear after leaving the cocktail lounge with that hot little number.

  • Kevin in PA May 27, 2021, 9:27 AM

    Are you sure about #44?
    I think it would be a worthwhile science project to prove or disprove.
    Choosing the correct swimming pool is an essential element to the success of the experiment.

  • Mike Austin May 27, 2021, 10:04 AM

    “If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.”

    Ok. How about an eleven pound Dachshund? Asking for a friend.

  • LP May 27, 2021, 10:08 AM

    4 kids. The only trouble I can recall are the broken bones they got while skateboarding & snowboarding. Except for one time, when a quiet 2 year old got hold of a stick of butter and spread it all over the back of the living room couch.

  • Vanderleun May 27, 2021, 10:29 AM

    “How about an eleven pound Dachshund?”

    Go for it!

    Report back.

  • gwbnyc May 27, 2021, 11:14 AM

    slicing bananas in an electric fan only works when you insert them from the back.

  • ghostsniper May 27, 2021, 12:15 PM

    Never light a cherry bomb with a sparkler.
    You can’t tell when it’s lit.
    What does a thumb and forefinger feel like after doing so?
    Like they were hit with a sledge hammer and set on fire.

  • MIKE GUENTHER May 27, 2021, 1:44 PM

    GS, that sounds like the voice of experience.

  • Mike Austin May 27, 2021, 1:52 PM

    Dear Gerard:

    Consider it done. All in the name of Science of course.

  • EX-Californian Pete May 27, 2021, 3:30 PM

    If you’re tall, never wear your prized 40x Stetson anywhere near a room with a ceiling fan.

    A “hang fire” doesn’t just pertain to black powder weapons, and can go off up to 30-40 seconds later- wait at least a minute, and keep the muzzle pointed downrange.

    Never say to the traffic cop who pulled you over “Is this gonna take long? Because your wife is expecting me.”

    When it comes to women’s hooters, only accept the ones made of “all natural ingredients.” The fake ones are for folks like Bruce Jenner.

    There’s a good reason that most Martial Arts tournaments and championships have a stern rule that prohibits the use of elbows and knees- because those do the most severe damage to your opponent.
    If you get into a street fight, that rule immediately becomes null & void.

    A can of beer put in a freezer to rapidly chill it will almost always be forgotten about, and will usually loudly explode in the wee hours of the night, making you wonder if you have a burglar afoot..

    When something disastrous happens, never, ever say aloud “Damn, what ELSE could happen.” Because you’ll probably find out.

    If you want to immediately stop an argument between you and your wife or girlfriend, just stare perplexedly at her ass until she asks what’s wrong. Then say “gee honey, is your ass getting big?” She’ll immediately stop arguing and spend the next 2 hours staring at her ass in a mirror.

  • Annie Rose May 28, 2021, 6:25 AM

    There is an unsolved mystery that was found long ago in my youngest daughter’s childhood closet. Jars filled with unknown substances. Some had liquefied. Some were growing fuzzy things of various earth colors. Two had twigs and sticks and the dried corpses of a spider and a worm. All were carefully hidden. No explanation was ever provided. Years later in the dark of the night I try to keep my mind from drifting to images of Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Moreau, and Hannibal Lechter, and hope the experiments were more in line with James Harriot’s All Creatures Great and Small. I pray that in my old age that I will not be placed in a sealed glass jar and forgotten. It’s best not to dwell on the inner workings of a child’s mind.

  • leelu May 28, 2021, 6:45 AM

    Refinement of #16:
    The First Rule of Local Anesthesia
    Never say “Ooops!” in the operating room.

  • Mark May 28, 2021, 8:08 AM

    Washing a boy’s shorts multiple times won’t eliminate the odd smell unless you get the dead (when collected) frog out of the watch pocket. And the same kid changed Dad’s mood by scribbling Dad’s name on all the doors and side panels of his car with a rock, down to the metal, so Dad (me) could find his car in the parking lot.

  • James ONeil May 28, 2021, 8:31 AM

    Don’t allow her to jump up and down on the hotel bed neath the ceiling fan,

    Don’t drive the golf cart into the water hazard.

    At least that’s what my son tells me.

  • Sam L. May 28, 2021, 10:15 AM

    That was a good list of “Things NOT TO DO”, but I’m certain it’s not complete…and never will be…

  • Andrew R May 28, 2021, 11:41 AM

    Never say “Ooops.”
    “Ooops” comes right before “Uh-oh”,
    And “Uh-oh” comes right before “DUCK!”

  • azlibertarian May 29, 2021, 12:57 PM

    Back a number of years ago, I was a leader in a Boy Scout troop. I was attempting to do my “involved Dad” thingi, for my son primarily, but for the other boys too.

    And in every group of boys, there was always “That Kid” who just can’t help being in some degree of trouble everywhere he goes. Maybe he was ADHD, or maybe mom and dad didn’t have much to do with him, but he was just the guy who could benefit from the structure of a program like the Scouts.

    So anyway, “That Kid” was in the back of the room on day, telling a story and being marginally disruptive about that time when he and his brother (unsupervised, of course) put the cat on the ceiling fan and then turned it on. It was a hilarious telling of his story (hilarious, that is to the 10 year-old who has stayed in my head all these years), but being the ostensible adult in the room, I had to tell him to cut it out and to leave the cat alone, all while trying to keep a straight face myself.