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The Resume of Captain Kink

“OH REALLY?”

I’m Captain Kink. I’m Mister Scratch.
I’m your smiling, deathless dentist, Doctor Pain.
I’ve owned the Earth since Adam’s birth,
And co-authored the book on raising Cain.

But you learned too well my old hard sell;
How I used to tempt your souls with sin and tonic.
And since out-of-date spells don’t populate Hell,
I’m gone post-modern, solid-state, and ultrasonic.

I’m that modern manufacturer
Who swung Liz Borden’s ax for her.
I gave you Neutron Bombs and Asian Flu.
I’ve got old friends in the Senate
(Why so many I may just rent it,
And, for my summer place, the Kremlin too.).

So when your puny little wars get out of hand,
Just sign in blood and, baby, I’m your man.
Don’t you look for any favors from the blest.
God’s angels’ll just confuse you,
Shame you, bore you, then abuse you.
(They might even convince you life’s a mess.)

Me? I’m never that judgmental.
In fact, I’m rather sentimental.
When time’s get tough I’ll be your only hope.
I’ll hold your hand and guide you,
In that darkest dawn, I’m right beside you.
(And you know I’ve always got the finest dope.)

So if doing good is looking…
Rather pale,
And being sweet is tasting…
A bit stale,
And you’ve got the yen to try…
A little starkness,
Just give me one short call,
You’ll have no worries left at all,
When you sign on with Kink,
the Prince of Darkness…

Yes, I’m the Prince of Darkness!
I’m the one that does it all!
I’m the worm that ate the apple,
And I engineered the Fall!
I raise the price of Mideast oil.
I’m the cause of headache pain.
I’m the master of your daily toil.
I put your cake out in the rain!
I make damn sure that nothing nice
Is ever really done.
I’m Mister Scratch, I’m Captain Kink,
I have all the fun!

I developed polyester clothes,
And do-it-yourself divorce.
I’m the master of adultery,
And the excess use of force.
Torture is my daily bread.
Causing cancer’s just my meat.
I poke holes in supertankers,
And drop dogshit on the street.

I’m the Prince of your own Darkness,
A swinging spirit of the mist.
I created Sociology,
And “Leading Economists.”
I even (No applause please)
Funded The Exorcist.
I’m your occult sugar daddy.
You’re my juicy jelly roll.
I produce the TV talk shows.
I’m the King of Rap and Roll.
When I’ve a mortgage on your life.
I’ll foreclose it on your soul.

And if you think you’ve got me beat,
And can really live those good intentions —
Like brushing after every meal
And never eating meat;
Or playing fair, or smoking less,
Or relaxing global tensions —
Don’t brag and say,
“Hey, ain’t life sweet?”,
Cause I’ll just whip up some new inventions…

… Like advertising, television,
Global Warming, or Prohibition,
(It’s all in a day’s work to me, you see)
Or Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama
(They’ve season tickets to my sauna).
It’s clear this job will be the death of me.

I introduced Yoko and Juan.
I even elected Kennedy, John,
And followed him up with Willy, and Barry and Joe.
I’ve done plagues and piles and itchy feets,
Afghanistan and New York streets.
There’s still more up my sleeve. Ya want some mo?

Oh, I’m that bloody Prince of Darkness
Who’s shoved the World out on the brink.
I’m flashy Nick! I’m Super Scratch!
But you can call me Captain Kink.
What you throw into the ocean
comes back home with the tide.
Life’s just a play! Live for the day!
And so long, suckers, thanks for the ride.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Howard Nelson October 28, 2018, 9:22 AM

    Whoa! Fabulous. I hope you never get angry with us.

  • jwm October 28, 2018, 10:58 AM

    I hear banjo, dobro, fiddle, and finger picking guitar. No drums…

    JWM.

  • ghostsniper October 28, 2018, 1:22 PM

    Another fake killing?

  • Casey Klahn October 28, 2018, 1:44 PM

    Yahoo! “news” just now has him as a “gun fanatic.” He’s purchased six (!) since some date in the Nineties. Six fucking guhhhnnnss!

  • pbird October 28, 2018, 8:04 PM
  • tim April 23, 2021, 12:24 PM

    Two thumbs up.

  • Jewel April 23, 2021, 12:28 PM

    My dear JWM, I gotcher guitars, fiddles, DRUMS, vocals! This is the hymn they should be playing at every politician’s funeral.
    https://youtu.be/xq0QAMtYBRQ

    • ghostsniper October 10, 2022, 1:03 PM

      Not bad. Could use a little more cowbell.

    • Denny October 10, 2022, 3:33 PM

      Beautiful and appropriate, as usual, from our old friend, Jewel.
      Here’s the same song again, with the lyrics that parallel Gerard’s poem.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQJfc9C_VrA

  • jwm April 23, 2021, 1:06 PM

    Jewel:
    That is one badass tune! Hot as fire.
    Thanks for the link!

    JWM

  • Jack April 23, 2021, 5:49 PM

    I’m delighted to know that he got Jimmy, Willy, Barry and Joe but he also got Lyndon….all safely and snugly tucked away to enjoy the tender mercies of their Father’s house.

  • H (science denier) April 23, 2021, 8:07 PM

    A fine recommendation, Miss Jewel, much appreciated.

  • gwbnyc April 23, 2021, 8:48 PM

    well, dang.

    +1

  • Casey Klahn October 10, 2022, 11:59 AM

    The closest thing to Satan, in terrestrial terms, is not Hitler or Stalin or Che – it’s lawyers. Satan is the accuser, you see. He argues against you and much of this is lies, or half truths. Oh, you’re guilty, alright! All of us have sinned, and fallen short of the Glory of God. But that bastard will have you in Hell for parking wrong once at the old folks home.

    And who’re the top lawyers? Politicians, of course. Biden? Law degree. Clinton and Obama? Law. Fukn Lucifer’s Wikipedia says: JD in his credentials. Here’s what I want to see in what remains of my lifetime: an artist, or a comedian, or a well-driller, as president. I have witnessed a movie actor and a business degree holder in the POTUS office. I liked both of them. Let me put this politely: if you’re running for office, and you’ve a law degree, my answer regarding my support is not no. It’s FUCK NO!

    • ghostsniper October 10, 2022, 12:57 PM

      Best thing you’ve said all day.

  • jwm October 10, 2022, 2:10 PM

    Damned great poem
    Hell of a good piece
    Devilishly clever
    Right on the Mark of the Beast

    JWM

  • pbird October 10, 2022, 4:10 PM

    Jeez. I must be slipping. I was reading that as Capt. Kirk!! At first.

  • Pureblood Striders October 10, 2022, 4:20 PM

    More of a Rolling Stones vibe with no sympathy for Captain Howdy.