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The Nation’s Pants Are the Next Super-Spreader

Commenter Lance de Boyle handcrafted the following in response to:In all seriousness, a culture this stupid cannot survive.

It is an established medical fact (See Melvin Cohen and Sid Sackowitz, 2019. “Your pants or mine?” Norwegian Journal of Sardine Science) that afflatus carries virulent virus particles.

These eructations of poisonous miasma, passing through what is technically known in Pantology as the “pants seat,” or “beam housing,” which covers the orifice of the fundament, are a major risk factor to passersby and to toddlers who are standing around looking stupid, as toddlers so often do.

In other words, or woids, as I often say, mere pants seats offer little protection from infection from Covid-59,487.

In the case of Jerry Nadler, pants seats offer NO protection, as the seats of his off-the-rack cheap-ass suit pants have been worn thin to the point of translucence, by constant friction with his nether regions, or as is known in Proctological circles, his fat and apparently infinite ass.

Therefore, all persons are hereby ordered to wear 4 pounds of cotton batting stapled to their nether regions. A four-inch thick section shall be inserted between the buttock spheres (or, in the case of Hillary Clinton, the Domes of Doom), extending from the spincter ani, across the perineum (or “Avenue to joy”) to the base of what is known in Urology and Pornography as “the pills” (or, in the case of women, the “Gateway to the Fun Parts”).

Failure to comply will be met with a tantrum, in which I stamp my little feet, or by forced watching of Adam Schiff as he shaves his endless neckage.

Get the all-new Covid Depends, with its patented Flatus Protection System! Just insert our new and improved Massive Plug (equipped with standard charcoal filter) and wiggle around until it’s comfortably seated for extended wearage.

“You’ll say, ‘Boy, howdy! I never knew how much fun a good plugging could be.’

“Then simply wrap the Straps of Perpetual Penance around the waist, thus securing the cotton batting (our second line of defense) to the billowy parts.

“Yes, you’ll saunter with pride — or mince and prance as the spirit moves you — safe in the knowledge that your leaking buns will cause no harm.”

PS. On another topic, I believe something like the Boston Massacre will be required to light the fuse. Perhaps during a rally where the rattled democrat speaker calls in the cops, who, scared themselves, shoot a few patriots.
Lord help us.

And now, yet another shot.

[ Lance de Boyle n response to In all seriousness, a culture this stupid cannot survive.]

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • I Am Who I Am December 5, 2020, 5:04 AM

    Kilts. The new symbol of resistance!

  • Snakepit Kansas December 5, 2020, 5:04 AM

    Carbon laced clothing for scent control has been around forever. Deer hunters use it, as do I, to try and minimize human scent while hunting. With bow hunting you need to get fairly close and bears, deer, hogs, etc. have incredible ability to smell a human in the area. Prior to getting into a tree stand, many hunters will wash with an unscented soap. Their clothes will be washed in unscented soap and be kept in a wood box outside when not in use. Deodorant is unscented and cologne is out of the question. I’ve used simple rubbing alcohol post shaving for years. Deer will haul ass if they get a whiff of Old Spice. The way to get rid of any scent in carbon clothing is to run it through the drier, good and hot, for about 10 minutes. Mine gets washed only about once/year unless, like last night, it gets blood on it.

    As for the effectiveness of this carbon clothing…I think it helps, but if you are in a tree stand and fart in your carbon pants then that fart is going to seep out for the next 15 minutes, every time you slightly move. I don’t enjoy my farts a whole lot more than other’s and certainly don’t want a 15 minute long sampling reminder. Don’t think for a moment that you can unload the methane from a gas station burrito into some $100 panties and think there is not going to be a report.

  • TDS December 5, 2020, 7:31 AM

    So. Much. Science.

  • John The River December 5, 2020, 8:00 AM

    “A culture this stupid cannot survive” Or this unbalanced.
    Terrible night, the weather was bad with temps in the forties and rain, but the decline of our American civilization was out last night. It came to my door.

    I have motion detector lights on the porch, with a interior light that goes on with a ‘snap’ when the outside lights come on. That happened about 10pm, I get up and check it out through the side door, it might be the feral black cat that my girlfriend thinks I should take in or a raccoon. Last night I opened the door and there was a wet, frightened young girl was standing there.
    She told me that she was trying to get away from some ‘boys’ in the nearby park and was calling someone for a ride. She wasn’t dressed for the weather, no head covering, light jacket (sodden), stylish ripped jeans and dressy shoes. I asked her in, sat her in front of the gas fireplace and turned it on.
    She wouldn’t tell me her name and was constantly texting on the iphone that never left her hand. I guessed her age at 14 or 15. After twenty minutes she left through the door she came in. She didn’t head to the street but cut through my back yard into the park.

    I immediately called the local police and described the incident. I eventually turned on the police scanner and listened. The police from the two towns bordering the park came and went into the park. They found a large number of ‘juveniles’, mostly female. Some were inebriated to the point that they had to be carried out. One girl reported being raped. At midnight I went to bed leaving the outside floodlights on. Five boys were thought to still be in the woods, lost. As the police collected the teens, they relayed the names and ages over the radio. Oldest was 26, many had a date of birth in 2007; thirteen years old.
    These are predominantly White towns, solid middle class, no ghettos, no slums. I’ve lived in this state all my life, this town for 38 years. Where did they learn this behavior, where are the parents?
    It’s frightening when it comes to your door and stares you in the face.

  • EX-Californian Pete December 5, 2020, 9:09 AM

    GREAT article! Bravo! Standing ovation material!

    However, I will refuse to wear anything that stifles my ability to expel noxious gasses from my posterior, because that would be a violation of my right of “Freedom Of Expression.”
    I have found that it’s completely impossible for me to adequately express my feelings and opinions of Liberals without punctuating each statement with a hearty FARRRRRRT.

    Also, that type of underwear would be utterly useless for Democrat politicians, since it’s well-known that the majority of their crap and flatulence escapes via their mouths.

  • James ONeil December 5, 2020, 9:40 AM

    Knew a girl once, with a major flatulence problem. She slept in a down sleeping bag, 5 or 6 hours later you put the bag in a stuff sack, you knew she’d been in there.

    Problem with parkys; when you’re Eskimo buddies invite you to dinner, boiled caribou ribs, strip the meat dip it in seal oil good, but… seal oil induced flatulence, distinctively odorous.

    Ready to leave, put on your parka, hood up, sigh, hot air rises.

  • ghostsniper December 5, 2020, 11:11 AM

    Denninger says there may be something to all this flatulence business.
    If you’re paying attention to what he writes, you’re wrong.

  • gwbnyc December 5, 2020, 12:44 PM

    “In the case of Jerry Nadler, pants seats offer NO protection”

    -I did a Jerry last week and testify to the above being truthful.

  • AbigailAdams December 5, 2020, 9:07 PM

    Hey! Geoff C. was ahead of his time and I always laughed at his silly invention idea: “Thunderwear!”

  • NotHere December 6, 2020, 3:53 PM

    If this takes off.. I fear the days of me fart bombing Wally World are over. I miss the fun, but the dog is is happy he’s getting off the hook .. he was tired of taking the blame

  • Zusaarspiegel December 6, 2020, 7:46 PM

    I fart in their general direction. Good flatulence timing is when some drooling dullard Normie is prattling on about sportsball or some happy historic heroes work here horseshit and a good blast of spleen works up right then.
    Just tell the zombie sheep herd to use the face diaper on their ass and they will do it.
    Sad, really.

  • Kick Ass December 7, 2020, 10:09 AM

    Funny, I eat sardines & beans so as to make sure EVERYONE can smell them!