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The Guys’ Rules

I am currently being visited by the woman who saved my life when my heart stopped. Besides being wonderful and witty and wise, she pulls no punches when she points out what a curmudgeon’s curmudgeon I have become in the dawn of my dotage. In this, she is correct since I find my patience with, as Mark Twain put it, “the damned human race” grows shorter with each passing year, month, …day.

Still, it’s hard to accept her wry insights and sage observations since I spend most of my time without the benefit of a woman’s civilizing point of view. On top of this, since most of the time I argue with myself, I am not used to losing an argument. This makes me cranky. Being cranky I actually (can you believe it?) endeavor to “win” arguments with her. This is always a mistake on my part since bluff and bluster cannot prevail over brains.

Fortunately, I have come across this set of rules that many men have collaborated on and set down as eternal guy wisdom. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. I plan to present these rules to her later today secure in the knowledge that she will, at last, see things from the sane guy point of view. If I live I will report back.

And yes I am wearing my surge protector.

We always hear the “rules” from the female side. Now here are the “rules” from the male side. These are our “rules”! Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”,we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle!

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine … Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Nori June 9, 2018, 10:32 AM

    And if you have an issue with any of the rules, go get Daddy’s belt…
    Despite my gender, I must say The. Rules are perfectly logical. Well said, Gerard.

  • BillH June 9, 2018, 11:09 AM

    Those things are a big waste of time. Fools errand. Like laying down rules for a cat. Like trying to bathe a duck. I’ve tried every one of those on my bride of 63 years many times, and none has ever worked. We’re at the same impasse as when the fire went out.

  • Dr. Jay June 9, 2018, 1:03 PM

    Gerard, I get the distinct impression that you’re not married.

  • Jimmy June 9, 2018, 3:49 PM

    “1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.”

    That’s one of my all-time peeves with women.

    Sisters with OCD problems are famous for it. Fortunately, my ex-wife didn’t do that.

  • ghostsniper June 9, 2018, 7:08 PM

    The secret to a long and happy marriage? (34 years so far)
    A detached garage.
    Full of tools, guns, more tools, stuff, spiders, boxes with who knows what in em, a big effen compressor that comes on at random scaring little gurlz that shouldn’t be in there, clutter everywhere, overwhelming smell of gas, oil based paints, and windows so dusty it looks like night time outside at noon, basically a very difficult place for delicate persons.

    BTW, leather couches take about .03 seconds to warm up to body temperature.

    BillH, I’m never gonna catch you! 63 years. WoW! Go U!

  • Snakepit Kansas June 10, 2018, 2:55 AM

    I’ve never slept on the couch. If a wife is pissed enough they can it the couch.

    My wife’s hystorectomy a few years back negated the need for most of Gerard’s list of rules at my house. I don’t have a detached garage like Ghost, but I do have a He-Man room in the basement with guns, reloading equipment, a small bar, couch and a bunch of books. Perfect.

  • pbird June 10, 2018, 8:42 AM

    I saw that list somewhere else in another decade. Its been around. Its a little funny.
    Most of those “rules” have at their base a great deal of unkindness.

  • JiminAlaska June 10, 2018, 9:49 AM

    Great list but you left out rule number one:
    Always be magnanimous and learn to understand g̶i̶r̶l̶s̶p̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶l̶a̶d̶y̶s̶p̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶w̶o̶m̶a̶n̶s̶p̶e̶a̶k̶ oppositegenderspeak.

    For example when she’s been silent for a week, giving you the very cold shoulder and you ask her; “Honey what’s wrong?” and she, with a huff, replies: “If you don’t know, I certainly am not going to try to explain it to you!” That’ of course means she’s completely forgotten why she’s mad.

    & the magnanimous part: Of course she’ll appreciate you’re cognizance of oppositegendertalk, and your efforts to understand what she really means, when you reply, with a laugh; : “You don’t remember why you’re mad, do you?”

  • Rob De Witt June 10, 2018, 12:23 PM


    Most of those “rules” have at their base a great deal of personal experience, and the intelligence to have learned something from it – added to the hard-earned unwillingness to give up one’s principals in order to avoid facing up to the reality that you’re on your own anyway, and that ultimately self-respect is worth more than pussy.

  • Ray Van Dune June 10, 2018, 3:48 PM

    1. You think hunting animals is terrible, and just by sheer coincidence, I am not at all interested in it. Therefore you are a very lucky woman, so quit griping about all the other shit.
    1. You can have different political opinions than me, and it doesn’t bother me because I love all the other stuff about you that is more important, and I know which is which. Try it sometime.
    1a. Obviously, this does not apply to your idiot loud-mouthed sister, who is dumber than a bag of fucking hammers, and a waste of food.

  • pbird June 11, 2018, 1:15 PM

    Well, Rob, if pussy is all that is up for discussion, have it your way. lol

  • Mark Matis June 12, 2018, 2:29 PM

    Oh, come on now! Compromise on the toilet seat. Make sure it’s down when you’re done. And wash your hands when you’re done. And then shake them dry over the toilet seat…

    I forgot that it was down!

  • Ray June 12, 2018, 4:07 PM

    The wise (guy) will always keep uppermost in mind that any and all of these rules may flip without notification. They can flip again, without notification. Sometimes it occurs so rapidly (ten times in a short sentence) you may think the orator has double visions, two truths, or is a gemini. Again, this will not be explained or rebuked in any way.

  • Brenda June 13, 2018, 7:37 PM

    I agree whole hardheartedly with #1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, and 1. And I am a women of 62 years, married twice. The second time -going on 20 years. Most women manipulate something awful. Feminism is absolutely evil. Ladies, take care of your men. Help them, support them, respect them.

  • Anonymous June 19, 2018, 10:40 PM

    Often thought, rarely spoken. Thank you for a printable list!!!