I am currently being visited by the woman who saved my life when my heart stopped. Besides being wonderful and witty and wise, she pulls no punches when she points out what a curmudgeon’s curmudgeon I have become in the dawn of my dotage. In this, she is correct since I find my patience with, as Mark Twain put it, “the damned human race” grows shorter with each passing
year, month, …day.
Still, it’s hard to accept her wry insights and sage observations since I spend most of my time without the benefit of a woman’s civilizing point of view. On top of this, since most of the time I argue with myself, I am not used to losing an argument. This makes me cranky. Being cranky I actually (can you believe it?) endeavor to “win” arguments with her. This is always a mistake on my part since bluff and bluster cannot prevail over brains.
Fortunately, I have come across this set of rules that many men have collaborated on and set down as eternal guy wisdom. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. I plan to present these rules to her later today secure in the knowledge that she will, at last, see things from the sane guy point of view. If I live I will report back.
And yes I am wearing my surge protector.
We always hear the “rules” from the female side. Now here are the “rules” from the male side. These are our “rules”! Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”,we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle!
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine … Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.