COMING SOON: AN announcement from the Biden Campaign that Joe Biden is no longer able to actively campaign and hence must withdraw.
VOTER: (pause)I’m sorry, I have a what I am praying to God, oh please please, is just a bad cold. I wish to make a complaint!
DNC: We’re closin’ for the rest of the 2020 Election period.
VOTER: Never mind that, my boys. I wish to complain about this Biden what I voted for as my number 1 champion in getting rid of Orange Man from this very party not last month.
DNC: Oh yes, the, uh, the 2020 model Joe Biden…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with him?
VOTER: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with him!
DNC: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…Biden’s resting.
VOTER: Look, matey, I know a dead Biden when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now with your dead party soon to follow.
DNC: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable politician, the Joe Biden, idn’it, ay? Beautiful slippers and pajamas!
VOTER: The pajamas don’t enter into it. Biden’s stone dead.
DNC: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting his weary brain under these low ceilings in his Maryland mansion!
VOTER: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister Joey Biden! I’ve got a lovely Burisma bribe for you if you show…
(DNC hits the Biden on the side of the head)
DNC: There, he moved!
VOTER: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting him upside the head!
DNC: I never!!
VOTER: Yes, you did!
DNC: I never, never did anything…
VOTER: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO JOEY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock wake up and save America from Orange Man video talk!
(Takes Biden out of the house and thumps his drool cup on the porch. Throws him down the front steps and watches the Biden bounce limply into the pansy bed.)
VOTER: Now that’s what I call a dead Biden.
DNC: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
DNC: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Joe Bidens stun easily.
VOTER: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Biden is definitely deceased, and when I voted him to the top of the shabby whore pack not one month back, you assured me that his total lack brain activity was due to him bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged hair sniffing and self-abuse session.
DNC: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the Obama years.
VOTER: PININ’ for the OBAMA YEARS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I VOTED HIM TO THE TOP?
DNC: The Joe Biden prefers speakin’ while on his back! Remarkable politician, id’nit, squire? Lovely dentures!
VOTER: Look, I took the liberty of examining the Biden when I got home from voting, and I discovered the only reason that he had been sitting in first place for the Democrat nomination is that he had been NAILED there.
DNC: Well, o’course he was nailed there! If we hadn’t nailed that Biden down, he would have nuzzled up to little girls, sniffed their hair, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
VOTER: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this politician wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through his skull! ‘E’s bleedin’ demented!
DNC: No no! ‘E’s pining for the presidency!
VOTER: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Biden is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of electibility ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed him to the podium he’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-Biden!!
DNC: Well, I’d better replace this candidate, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of Bidens.
VOTER: I see. I see, I get the picture.
DNC: (pause) I got a Bernie.
VOTER: Pray, does it talk?
DNC: Nnnnot coherently.
VOTER: WELL HES HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS HE?!!???!!?
DNC: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
DNC: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?
VOTER: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.