≡ Menu

Submitted for You Approval: Trump’s UN Speech by the Numbers

This was written by Coop LoPresto on FB and has, as they say, been making the rounds:

“Allow me to summarize each paragraph of Trump’s UN speech:

1. Welcome, thanks for being here.
2. Thanks for offering help with hurricanes, but we don’t need any.
3. I’m the best President
4. America FUCKING ROCKS!!
5. It’s the current year!
6. I know some of you bitch-ass bitches in here support terrorism. I got my eye on you motherfuckers.
7. Fuck you, China.
8. Fuck you, too, Mexico and South America.
9. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times.
10. We could make the world great again. Just sayin’.
11. Hey, remember when the UN was supposed to do things that mattered? Good times.
12. LOL, y’all got wrecked by WWII and America is the only reason you recovered.
13. The strength of the pack is the wolf.
14. I’m tired of footing the bill for this organization and NATO.
15. Seriously, how hard is it to not fuck over your own people or fuck with other countries?
16. The EU is fucking stupid.
17. Be more like America, EU.
18. America FUCKING ROCKS!!
19. America invented freedom and don’t you forget it.
20. We have the best Constitution.
21. Power to the people.
22. America First! (TM)

23. America First! (TM) and you should do [your country] first.
24. Seriously, the EU is fucking stupid.
25. Get on my level.
26. Y’all need to start contributing, you fucking freeloaders.
27. Sort yourselves out.
28. America fights your battles for you.
29. America didn’t go around colonizing places after WWII.
30. We’re gonna do what’s best for us.
31. Reagan Mode: Engaged!
32. Fuck you, Russia, China, and North Korea.
33. Fuck you, the Middle East
34. “Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.”
35. Fuck you, North Korea.
36. Seriously, North Korea, you suck. The fuck is wrong with you?
37. These motherfuckers want to nuke us.
38. And China’s helping them. Fuck you, China.
39. Try something, you little bitch. Rocket man. I will fuck you up!
40. I’d like to thank China and Russia for playing ball with us against North Korea.
41. What the fuck have the rest of you done? Well, it ain’t enough.
42. I see you over there, Iran! You’re next, motherfucker!
43. Fuck you, Iran!
44. Act like I don’t know you’re sponsoring terrorism, Iran!
45. Obama was fucking stupid. The Iran Deal is bullshit.
46. I’m coming for that ass, Iran.
47. You’re a BITCH, Iran!
48. There’s a reckoning coming, Iran. You little bitch!
49. You’re the one bitch who still thinks terrorism is cool, Iran!
50. I’m more popular in the Middle East than you are, Iran!
51. We fight radical Islamic terror, not sponsor it, you bitch!
52. You’re a terrorist-sponsoring bitch, Iran!
53. Terrorists are losers.
54. I’m better at this War-On-Terror thing than Obama was.
55. Like, WAAAAY better. I’ve got Jim Mattis. We get shit done.
56. Weapons of Mass Destruction 2: Electric Boogaloo
57. I think I watched “The White Helmets” on Netflix once. That was cool, I guess.
58. How ’bout them refugees, right? Let’s fix this problem.
59. Nobody wants refugees in their country. Fix their homes so we can send them back.
60. It’s one of the many reasons why I have a wall to build.
61. Mexico’s trying to send us all the people it doesn’t want.
62. But, I mean, c’mon. We don’t want them either.
63. Nice try, UN, but America’s still the #1 Humanitarian contributor.
64. America’s the only reason y’all are living in the 21st Century
65. Seriously, UN. Get on our level.
66. Why the fuck are Muslim theocracies on your Human Rights Council?
67. I’m tired of footing the bill for this organization, you freeloaders.
68. The rest of you ain’t doing shit to fix anything.
69. This is all a waste of American money, and you fuckers know it.
70. Fuck you, Cuba.
71. Fuck you, too, Venezuela.
72. Socialism’s the Goddamn worst.
73. Just ask the Venezuelan people.
74. We all agree the Venezuelan government sucks.
75. I’ve called them out on this. Pray they don’t piss me off.
76. The rest of you South American countries get it, don’t you?
77. The UN’s gotta do more to free Venezuela from Socialism.
78. Like seriously, Socialism sucks SO BAD. Every. Single. Time.
79. De Oppresso Liber
80. We’re all for free trade, but…
81. NAFTA’s a fucking joke.
82. I’ma get what’s mine
83. Get on America’s level, rest of the world.
84. WWII was about patriotism.
85. But let’s just focus on the Allies’ patriotism. It’s less awkward, that way.
86. Globalism sucks.
87. Sort yourselves out, rest of the world.
88. Just say “no” to Globalism, kids.
89. America hated Britain before they rebelled against it.
90. ~America! Fuck yeah!~
91. America FUCKING ROCKS!!
92. Make your countries great again!
93. Quit fiddling with this globalist bullshit.
94. If you embrace patriotism, you too, can be somewhere near America’s level.
95. What took you guys so long to realize that?
96. We’ll all be better off for it.
97. Alright, I’m gettin’ the light. Good night, everybody, You’ve been wonderful. Give yourselves a round of applause!”

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Nori September 21, 2017, 7:26 PM

    Coop LoPresto on Faceberg: take a bow, that was the best summation of a speech to the UN-itards in modern history.

  • John The River September 21, 2017, 8:24 PM

    Driving for the local Senior Center, yesterday half the old ladies hated Trump, half loved Trump.

    The ones that hated him all repeated that they didn’t like the way he talked. Nothing else.

    The ones that loved him; knew he was fixing the economy, that he supported the military, that he had a nice family, that he wasn’t taking his salary and they loved the way he talked.


  • Casey Klahn September 21, 2017, 9:13 PM


    Dodge commercial says it all.

    I could quibble with his swearing, but maybe I’m old school. “Bitch ass bitches?” Seriously? Try: sonsabitches. It flows off the tongue.

  • Ann K September 22, 2017, 5:18 AM

    As a speechwriter, I love it!

  • Jack September 22, 2017, 7:15 AM

    Hilarious and hilariouser!

  • Ray Van Dune September 22, 2017, 8:00 AM

    Overall summary: “Good morning, deadbeats. I came here today to kick ass and take names, and the CIA already gave me a list of your fuckng names.”

  • Snakepit Kansas September 22, 2017, 10:41 AM

    I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of bubblegum. – Roddy Piper

  • AbigailAdams September 22, 2017, 4:57 PM

    That was great! Thanks, Gerard.

  • Howard Nelson September 22, 2017, 10:21 PM

    Simply summed and said:
    “You’re all fired, you dimwit dumshits.”
    It’s not worth wasting a perfectly good b in perfectly worthless dumshits.

  • ghostsniper September 25, 2017, 8:48 AM

    When he announces that by executive order he has permanently cut *ALL* taxes by a minimum 50% effective immediately I will consider him a success.

    **And I do mean ALL.
    Your drivers license?
    Half price from here on out.
    Your property tax?
    Yep. Half.
    Income tax?
    Sales tax?
    Never to be increased ever again.
    And the first gov’t employee or anyone hired by the gov’t, that even TRIES to come up with methodry that attempts to avoid this universal law will be tried within 30 days and will receive a sentence at hard labor of no less than 10 years and forfeiture of all property, with sentence enacted immediately after the trial ends, no appeals, no parole, no good behavior, no probation.

  • Danny Sanders September 25, 2017, 9:32 AM

    I love when simple English can be used to explain simple English!