WHEN in the course of human Events, it becomes necessary….
Stay Home! Back to Work! A Dog and Cat Debate Reopening America
byVanderleunonApril 21, 2020
America Needs To Get Back to Work
By A Cat Enough is enough. American business has taken a historic plunge over the past month. It’s time to consider a practical plan for protecting public health—while also allowing for a return to work and, hopefully, a revival of the economy.
Oh, who am I kidding?
On behalf of cats everywhere, I’ll just say it: We want everyone out of the house.
It was cute for a while, but the party is over. We’re sick of this quarantine, shelter-in-place directive.
Sheltering in place? That’s a cat’s job. Cats invented sheltering in place—sleeping in the windowsill, the corner of the couch, the sock drawer in the closet and, if it gets a little too noisy, under the bed, eyes open, annoyed. Cats know what it takes to stay home all the time. We’re just tired of sharing our home with everybody else.
Have we liked getting snacks at unexpected hours? Sure. Is it nice to roll around on that warm laptop keyboard during Zoom calls? Sure is. Warm keyboards are heaven.
But it’s gotten to be too much. The other day I walked into the kitchen and saw someone standing in my 9 a.m. sun spot. So rude. That sun spot is only there for 15 minutes a day!
We (sort of) love you, and appreciate the occasional pats on the head, but cats are not the most social creatures. Sure, there are some exceptions. You might have one of those cats who actually enjoys human company. Congratulations.
But the vast majority of us—
BIRD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW! MUST! GET! BIRD!
Sorry. Where was I? Right. The vast majority of cats are ready for you to get back to work. Or just leave the house for longer than 15 minutes.
Please consider it. Not for America. For cats.
Why Not Work at Home Forever?
By A Dog As America debates a return to work, it’s important not to rush. We need to balance the economy against the extremely valid concerns about public health and protecting lives.
And walks. We need to think about all of the walks.
And ball. We need to also chase the ball. Lots and lots.
Look: I’m a dog. I’m not some public intellectual. I’m a good, good dog, most of the time, but I just ate half of a baseball glove in the garage. I also knocked over a potted plant in the living room. I’m sorry. I’m a dog. What do you want?
The important thing is: Dogs want you to stay. These past four weeks, they have been some of the greatest weeks of our lives. You’re there in the morning. You’re there in the evening. You’re there at lunch. It’s the best.
And the walks…we’ve never been so fit in our lives! There’s the 8:30 a.m. walk, the 11:15 a.m. walk, the 1 p.m. walk, the 3 p.m. walk, the 7 p.m. walk, and if we’re lucky, a 9:30 p.m. walk.
Sometimes you throw the ball. And then I get the ball and bring it back to you. And then you throw the ball again, and I bring it back again. And again. And again. And again. Bliss.
I’m sure the cats are telling you they’ve had it. Never trust a cat. They’re rude animals. They don’t appreciate you.
But dogs understand what you bring to the table. We love having you at home. Stay. Stay forever. We promise to be a good dog. Or at least a pretty good dog.
“But dogs understand what you bring to the table.”
Also what you drop from the table. Especially that.
I am considering getting us a cat. No dogs – we had one until a year ago and I’m not ready for that level of maintenance again. But I’ve always been a cat fan, and it might be just about time.
jwmApril 22, 2020, 8:06 AM
The weather has been unseasonably cool, and Buddy the Cat enjoys the long couch naps. He stretches out on my chest, starts purring, and I go out like I had a sleeping pill. Some small good in these all too troubling times.
I still like the original version of Bowyang Yorke’s Dog on the Tucker (lunch) Box and the lines;
But Nobby strained and broke the yoke,
And poked out the leader’s eye;
Then the dog shat on the Tucker Box
Nine miles from Gundagai.
I Am Who I AmApril 22, 2020, 5:54 PM
Proving my point that dogs are Democrats, Cats are Republicans.
Dogs want you to know how much they love you and want to be loved in return. Dogs trust their superiors. They lost their ability to hunt and must rely on you to feed them. However, they will gladly eat poop if given the chance. They’re not picky. They learn to obey commands: “Sit.” “Roll over.” “Socialism or Death.” Their bark is usually worse than their bite and they have to stay in cages when unsupervised outside. Dogs travel in collective packs with one dominant “dear leader,” and know one another by sticking their noses in other’s very private places.
Cats identify as individuals. No heard instincts. Cats care about you only to the point it benefits them. They will come to some sort of mutually beneficial arrangement with you as long as the benefits is truly mutual. And cats will never trust you to uphold your end of the bargain. They believe in freedom of association and freedom of expression – like, the performance art that used to be your drapes. Cats want to be by themselves, and go when and where they want when they want. Cats like defensible positions and will instinctively find one and set up a hide from which to ambush you. They are proud hunters, believe in self-defense, practice concealed carry, and ain’t afraid to draw down (or draw blood) if they get cross wise with, well…anyone. Cats trust themselves, travel alone, and the mommas are fiercely defensive of their little ones. Cats see themselves as unique, exceptional. I mean, has anyone ever made a smash Broadway musical called “Dogs?”
Real World Address for Donations, Mash Notes and Hate Mail
Gerard Van der Leun
1692 MANGROVE AVE
APT 379
Chico, Ca 95926
Green Pants Interior by Klahn
Who Am I? by Carl Sandburg
My head knocks against the stars.
My feet are on the hilltops.
My finger-tips are in the valleys and shores of universal life.
Down in the sounding foam of primal things I reach my hands and play with pebbles of destiny.
I have been to hell and back many times.
I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.
I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.
I know the passionate seizure of beauty
And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading “Keep Off.”
My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive in the universe.
Duty, Beauty, Liberty, Country, Honor, Family, Faith — Plus a few simple easy to follow rules for guys
Men saw the stars at the edge of the sea
They thought great thoughts about liberty
Poets wrote down words that did fit
Writers wrote books
Thinkers thought about it
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
Many’s the road I have walked upon
Many’s the hour between dusk and dawn
Many’s the time
Many’s the mile
I see it all now
Through the eyes of a child
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
[Chorus]
Lost dreams and found dreams
In America
In America
In America
Lost dreams and found dreams
In America
In America
In America
And close your eyes
Leave it all for a while
Leave the world
And your worries behind
You will build on whatever is real
And wake up each day
To a new waking dream
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
[Chorus]
Change, change come over
Change come over
Talkin’ about a change
Change, change
Change come over, now
Change, change, change come over
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I see my light
See my light
See my shining light
I see my light
See my light
See my shining light
America Needs To Get Back to Work
Why Not Work at Home Forever?
Gerard Van der Leun
Comments on this entry are closed.
Who’s a Good Boy?
Yeah, you’re a good boy!
Woof! Woof!
Never trust a cat. They’re rude animals.
Nah, cats just have no time for dogs. They know how to defend their turf, too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRgBHNuV340&ab_channel=waltersanti
“But dogs understand what you bring to the table.”
Also what you drop from the table. Especially that.
I am considering getting us a cat. No dogs – we had one until a year ago and I’m not ready for that level of maintenance again. But I’ve always been a cat fan, and it might be just about time.
The weather has been unseasonably cool, and Buddy the Cat enjoys the long couch naps. He stretches out on my chest, starts purring, and I go out like I had a sleeping pill. Some small good in these all too troubling times.
JWM
I still like the original version of Bowyang Yorke’s Dog on the Tucker (lunch) Box and the lines;
But Nobby strained and broke the yoke,
And poked out the leader’s eye;
Then the dog shat on the Tucker Box
Nine miles from Gundagai.
Proving my point that dogs are Democrats, Cats are Republicans.
Dogs want you to know how much they love you and want to be loved in return. Dogs trust their superiors. They lost their ability to hunt and must rely on you to feed them. However, they will gladly eat poop if given the chance. They’re not picky. They learn to obey commands: “Sit.” “Roll over.” “Socialism or Death.” Their bark is usually worse than their bite and they have to stay in cages when unsupervised outside. Dogs travel in collective packs with one dominant “dear leader,” and know one another by sticking their noses in other’s very private places.
Cats identify as individuals. No heard instincts. Cats care about you only to the point it benefits them. They will come to some sort of mutually beneficial arrangement with you as long as the benefits is truly mutual. And cats will never trust you to uphold your end of the bargain. They believe in freedom of association and freedom of expression – like, the performance art that used to be your drapes. Cats want to be by themselves, and go when and where they want when they want. Cats like defensible positions and will instinctively find one and set up a hide from which to ambush you. They are proud hunters, believe in self-defense, practice concealed carry, and ain’t afraid to draw down (or draw blood) if they get cross wise with, well…anyone. Cats trust themselves, travel alone, and the mommas are fiercely defensive of their little ones. Cats see themselves as unique, exceptional. I mean, has anyone ever made a smash Broadway musical called “Dogs?”