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Stay Home! Back to Work! A Dog and Cat Debate Reopening America

America Needs To Get Back to Work
By A Cat
Enough is enough. American business has taken a historic plunge over the past month. It’s time to consider a practical plan for protecting public health—while also allowing for a return to work and, hopefully, a revival of the economy.

Oh, who am I kidding?

On behalf of cats everywhere, I’ll just say it: We want everyone out of the house.

It was cute for a while, but the party is over. We’re sick of this quarantine, shelter-in-place directive.

Sheltering in place? That’s a cat’s job. Cats invented sheltering in place—sleeping in the windowsill, the corner of the couch, the sock drawer in the closet and, if it gets a little too noisy, under the bed, eyes open, annoyed. Cats know what it takes to stay home all the time. We’re just tired of sharing our home with everybody else.

Have we liked getting snacks at unexpected hours? Sure. Is it nice to roll around on that warm laptop keyboard during Zoom calls? Sure is. Warm keyboards are heaven.

But it’s gotten to be too much. The other day I walked into the kitchen and saw someone standing in my 9 a.m. sun spot. So rude. That sun spot is only there for 15 minutes a day!

We (sort of) love you, and appreciate the occasional pats on the head, but cats are not the most social creatures. Sure, there are some exceptions. You might have one of those cats who actually enjoys human company. Congratulations.

But the vast majority of us—


Sorry. Where was I? Right. The vast majority of cats are ready for you to get back to work. Or just leave the house for longer than 15 minutes.

Please consider it. Not for America. For cats.

Why Not Work at Home Forever?
By A Dog
As America debates a return to work, it’s important not to rush. We need to balance the economy against the extremely valid concerns about public health and protecting lives.

And walks. We need to think about all of the walks.

And ball. We need to also chase the ball. Lots and lots.

Look: I’m a dog. I’m not some public intellectual. I’m a good, good dog, most of the time, but I just ate half of a baseball glove in the garage. I also knocked over a potted plant in the living room. I’m sorry. I’m a dog. What do you want?

The important thing is: Dogs want you to stay. These past four weeks, they have been some of the greatest weeks of our lives. You’re there in the morning. You’re there in the evening. You’re there at lunch. It’s the best.

And the walks…we’ve never been so fit in our lives! There’s the 8:30 a.m. walk, the 11:15 a.m. walk, the 1 p.m. walk, the 3 p.m. walk, the 7 p.m. walk, and if we’re lucky, a 9:30 p.m. walk.

Sometimes you throw the ball. And then I get the ball and bring it back to you. And then you throw the ball again, and I bring it back again. And again. And again. And again. Bliss.

I’m sure the cats are telling you they’ve had it. Never trust a cat. They’re rude animals. They don’t appreciate you.

But dogs understand what you bring to the table. We love having you at home. Stay. Stay forever. We promise to be a good dog. Or at least a pretty good dog.

VIA: CULTURAL OFFERING: Funny because it is true. Great points on both…

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Nunnya Bidnez, jr April 21, 2020, 4:31 PM

    Who’s a Good Boy?
    Yeah, you’re a good boy!

    Woof! Woof!

  • PA Cat April 22, 2020, 1:08 AM

    Never trust a cat. They’re rude animals.

    Nah, cats just have no time for dogs. They know how to defend their turf, too:


  • Andy Havens April 22, 2020, 7:43 AM

    “But dogs understand what you bring to the table.”
    Also what you drop from the table. Especially that.

    I am considering getting us a cat. No dogs – we had one until a year ago and I’m not ready for that level of maintenance again. But I’ve always been a cat fan, and it might be just about time.

  • jwm April 22, 2020, 8:06 AM

    The weather has been unseasonably cool, and Buddy the Cat enjoys the long couch naps. He stretches out on my chest, starts purring, and I go out like I had a sleeping pill. Some small good in these all too troubling times.


  • James ONeil April 22, 2020, 8:38 AM

    I still like the original version of Bowyang Yorke’s Dog on the Tucker (lunch) Box and the lines;
    But Nobby strained and broke the yoke,
    And poked out the leader’s eye;
    Then the dog shat on the Tucker Box
    Nine miles from Gundagai.

  • I Am Who I Am April 22, 2020, 5:54 PM

    Proving my point that dogs are Democrats, Cats are Republicans.

    Dogs want you to know how much they love you and want to be loved in return. Dogs trust their superiors. They lost their ability to hunt and must rely on you to feed them. However, they will gladly eat poop if given the chance. They’re not picky. They learn to obey commands: “Sit.” “Roll over.” “Socialism or Death.” Their bark is usually worse than their bite and they have to stay in cages when unsupervised outside. Dogs travel in collective packs with one dominant “dear leader,” and know one another by sticking their noses in other’s very private places.

    Cats identify as individuals. No heard instincts. Cats care about you only to the point it benefits them. They will come to some sort of mutually beneficial arrangement with you as long as the benefits is truly mutual. And cats will never trust you to uphold your end of the bargain. They believe in freedom of association and freedom of expression – like, the performance art that used to be your drapes. Cats want to be by themselves, and go when and where they want when they want. Cats like defensible positions and will instinctively find one and set up a hide from which to ambush you. They are proud hunters, believe in self-defense, practice concealed carry, and ain’t afraid to draw down (or draw blood) if they get cross wise with, well…anyone. Cats trust themselves, travel alone, and the mommas are fiercely defensive of their little ones. Cats see themselves as unique, exceptional. I mean, has anyone ever made a smash Broadway musical called “Dogs?”