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May 13, 2010

Tale of a Top Floating to the Top


"Professor Kagan's story is not so different than those of countless other Harvard Assholes;
born precocious, a budding intellect nurtured by a crib full of Swedish monochrome creativity blocks and gender-neutral Balinese finger puppets, at age 3 she earned admission to Hundred Acre Wood Academy, one of the Upper West Side's most selective Ivy League feeder preschools. From there it was off to Leon Trotsky Prep where she distinguished herself as captain of the state champion Feminist Theory team. She displayed a promising raw talent for academic Asshole bullshit, but it was not quite yet up to Harvard's exacting standards. Still, she would not be dissuaded in her quest for the coveted brown brass ring of Harvard Assholicity. She persevered, honing her bullshit at Princeton and Oxford, two less selective junior colleges that sometimes offer a backdoor path into Harvard. And then, the long awaited call to 'The Show' -- the famed Asshole Big Leagues of Harvard Law School, where in three years of intensive study America's most promising young Assholes are taught everything there is to know, about everything worth knowing.

"Despite her underprivileged background Professor Kagan rose to the challenge and graduated magna cum laude, an honor reserved for the top 89% of Harvard Law alumni. Although her diploma fully qualified her for any conceivable position in the known Asshole universe, she took her first paying job in the charitable sector -- teaching at the University of Chicago Law School, a lonely academic legal bullshit outpost in the harsh intellectual wilderness of the American Midwest. Her Asshole missionary work and softball skills quickly drew the attention of then-President Bill Clinton who, despite his Yale degree, was wise enough to see that she had 'the right stuff' to serve as his Assistant Deputy White House Under-Under Subsecretary for Minority Elderly Women's Domestic Pet Policy. Her leadership in that critical office was nothing short of revolutionary, increasing its bullshit report output by 15% while introducing colorful pie charts...." -- iowahawk: Invisible Assholes

Posted by Vanderleun at May 13, 2010 6:44 PM. This is an entry on the sideblog of American Digest: Check it out.

Your Say

Sometimes I think reality is a satire of Iowahawk.

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at May 13, 2010 6:59 PM

They all major in hubris studies with a minor in histrionics. It's a requirement.

Posted by: Jewel at May 13, 2010 7:26 PM

We can be heroes. If just for a moment - even less than an hour - we can still look out, see, and then do. And in doing, find something that, years later, we are glad we did that. I have a couple. This is, however, something different:


(And yes, Mr. Bowie is the head of the Guild of Calamitous Intent. And?)

Posted by: Mikey NTH at May 13, 2010 7:29 PM

Puleeeze, don't squeeze Kagan's head!

Posted by: Vermont Woodchuck at May 14, 2010 4:54 AM

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