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Rotten Rice

Before you get to the endtimes where you’ll “eat bugs and be happy” you need to be moved into the TwilightMeat Zone; that place beyond space and time where the Impossible Burger becomes, still impossible, but something you can find in your friendly but still satanic grocer’s freezer.

I hear all the calls for purity rising from the “Don’t Be Cruel” cadre that is forever forswearing “meat.” At the same time, you’ve got to note that for a club of vegan Karens they demand a lot of food that looks like meat but isn’t. They love to eat their “meatless” lie right down to the last “LammChop.”

I’ve got a folder full of fake meat and other food that is not the food it says it is, but some sort of plant-based replicant. All of these come to you softly stating that they look (and “O Yum!” taste) like meat but that they are really made of the food that real meat eats. You all know the coy Chik’N words making for the soft lie. We all have seen the impossibility of Impossible Beef marketing what was once known, honestly, as “VeggieBurger.”

That said I was taken aback to find the next step in moving you towards government pink foam food served in troughs in the armrests of your LayZboy, “plant-based” plant food. There I was in Discount (“Where off-brand or over-produced foods go to die.”) Groceries’ “Organic” section when I spied this offering at five bucks:

Ready To Eat Rice in “Rice Style”? Really?  What can that mean? Let’s take a closer look:

Konjac Flour? KONJAC? What the hell is konjac flour? As it turns out konjac seems to be a flour that either reduces what you eliminate via healthy revulsion reduction (you eat less phony rice) or via other means of elimination out the front or back at high velocity.

What does konjac flour taste like?Konjac has very little taste of its own, and is prized in the East for its texture far more than its flavour – it has a very neutral, slightly salted taste. Now that the West has discovered konjac, it’s been put to a variety of other uses, mainly to create healthy meals for the purpose of weight-loss.

But what is this “new and improved rice” really? It’s a food in a circular loop forever:

It is “rice” (which is a plant) made from plants (which are not the rice plant.). It is a Frank N’Food. It is, succinctly put, “The Mother Of Harlots And Abominations Of The Earth.”

Somewhere in this insane and degraded land, there are, I suppose, people who are feasting on Miracle Rice while those who made and marketed this glob of goop are feasting on Prime Rib (“the end cut”) at some Argentinian meat palace. Both these sets of people must be hunted and cast them down to hell, and delivered into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment.

If they aren’t we will eat the “ANIMAL-FREE ICE CREAM” we so richly deserve.



Comments on this entry are closed.

  • ThisIsNotNutella May 31, 2022, 11:49 AM

    You’d have to walk Ten Thousand Li to stand any chance of catching a Chinaman feasting upon that goop.

  • ghostsniper May 31, 2022, 11:49 AM

    Next time you’re talking to a vegan tell them that for every 5 acres of farm field harvested 2 wild animals are killed by the farming process. Nothing lives forever and there is blood on their fork.

    • gwbnyc June 2, 2022, 5:58 AM

      or a state permit to kill deer, no limit, that are eating crops. they have to be left where they drop.

      • gwbnyc June 2, 2022, 9:09 AM

        a depredation permit.

  • Anonymous May 31, 2022, 11:50 AM

    Grocery aisles, especially those formerly stocked with real food, are now stocked with shrunken packages containing manufactured, hyper-processed, ersatz “food” made from stuff most of us never previously considered to be food. The “gluten-free” crap is the worst. Mostly made of ground-up roots, shredded cardboard boxes, strange “syrups” and “extracts,” and whacky “sweeteners” made from heretofore unknown “fruits,” e.g., monk fruit, jack fruit. What the heck is this stuff? Never mind, I won’t touch it.

  • Mike Austin May 31, 2022, 12:15 PM

    Today: Brave New Food. Next up: Soylent Green. After that: The Eritrean Diet. After that: Donner Party Delights.

  • Wild, wild west May 31, 2022, 12:26 PM

    Followed by the Irish Potato (famine) Diet.

    • Mike Austin May 31, 2022, 12:47 PM

      Followed by “A Modest Proposal”. With recipes attached.

      • Lance de Boyle May 31, 2022, 2:05 PM

        Speaking of Modest Proposals….

        Announcing Abortaburgers.
        Made from all natural fetus parts, freshly harvested from Willing Wombs (patent pending).
        You’ll love the mouth feel. Chewy, with just a hint of spintered femurs and skulls.”
        Your kids will say, “Thanks, Mom. These are great Abortaburgers.”
        “Yes, kids. So nutritious. And no nasty afterbirth.”

        Oh, so many possibilities in our grave new world.

        Fetus legs stuffed with mushrooms and red peppers. “You’ll say, ‘Boy Howdy,’ Love them fetus legs.”

        Skin Tacos. Fried fetus back skin, gently folded over a melange (not sure what that is, but sounds tasty and erudite) of chopped kale and onions. You’ll say, “Hey! More fried fetus back!”

        Fetus Heads on a Stick.
        Just when you thought we ran out of ideas, we took another shot of Jose Q, and yacked up another… Idea, that is.

        “You’ll love our Heads on a Stick. Roasted to a golden brown and served on a bed of Wonder Rice (“You’ll wonder what the f%$# it is.”). Don’t be concerned. The eyes can’t really see you.”

        • Mike Austin May 31, 2022, 3:18 PM

          Your are a bit dilatory to this feast. Look up Senomex, a company that used fetal cells from aborted babies as “flavor enhancers”. If you have ever eaten anything from Nestles, Kraft or Pepsi before 2018, you and Jeffrey Dahmer have much in common.

          Maybe some rando woman who had aborted her own child actually ingested her dead child’s DNA sequence and blood lines while drinking a bottle of Pepsi. After all, “Pepsi’s got your taste for life!” And death.

          • ghostsniper May 31, 2022, 5:48 PM

            You never fail to amaze.
            I never heard of it and I looked it up.
            From wiki:

            Around year 2001, Senomyx patented several flavor enhancers by using “proprietary taste receptor-based assay systems”, which have been previously expressed in human cell culture, in HEK293 cells. HEK293 cells are a cell line widely used in biological and medical research, immortalized through a genetic modification removed from the original human embryonic kidney cells taken from a healthy, aborted human fetus in the early 1970s.

            The company’s stock declined after PepsiCo reversed a trial rollout of Senomyx ingredients in their sodas in 2016.

            Senomyx’s products work by amplifying the intensity of flavors. Because very small amounts of the additive are used (reportedly less than one part per million) Senomyx has no obligation to report their ingredients to the consumer. Senomyx products fall under the broad category of “artificial flavors.” For the same reason, the company’s chemicals have not undergone the FDA safety approval[citation needed]. Senomyx’s MSG-enhancer gained the Generally Recognized as Safe (GRAS) status from the Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association, an industry-funded organization, in less than 18 months, “received a positive review by the Joint FAO/WHO Expert Committee on Food Additives, which determined that there were no safety concerns with the use of the Company’s savory flavor ingredients in foods. The positive assessment by JECFA is expected to expedite regulatory approvals in a number of countries, particularly those that do not have independent regulatory approval systems.”

      • Dirk May 31, 2022, 5:44 PM

        Serious question, Mike, mind sharing what your bicycle adventure diet will consist off? What are you carrying along?

        Use to be a long distance back packer. What we carried then is seriously no longer being eaten

        • Mike Austin May 31, 2022, 6:56 PM

          I am unusual among long-distance backpackers and bikepackers in that I never overly concern myself with food. Since I began to solo backpack—in Guatemala in 1986—I always would eat on the trail what was available locally. That meant Ramen, powdered soups, oatmeal, mac and cheese, canned meats, Marlboros and coffee. Eating these I crossed Darien, ventured into the Vilaya Valley in Peru, descended into deepest canyon on earth—Cotahuasi—and so on. I would be gone weeks at a time and I had to carry a lot of food and fuel, and rely upon locals. Where there were Indigenous I would bargain with them to get food. Some of the things they fed me would make a goat puke. But I ate it.


          In the US I still only take Ramen, mac and cheese, tortillas, canned meat, coffee, Marlboros and whiskey. I know that professional-type backpackers recommend freeze dried food and so on. I also know that they obsess over calories, carbs, proteins and so on. Screw that. I am out there not to eat but to see, to live. If my life were centered around food I would never leave my home. When in a town I would chow down on haute cuisine like McDonalds.

          My choice of foods weighs almost nothing and costs about $1 per day. I use an MSR XGK-II stove. It burns every fuel known to man.


          I don’t ever make campfires as I knew in the jungles and mountains of Central and South America that the smoke from a campfire would let anyone within 20 miles know where I was. Nope. And nope. I have never broken myself of that habit, a good thing since while bikepacking I wild camp in any forest or secluded spot I can find. I like to be invisible. You and I both know there is weird shit out in the woods, and I do not want it wandering over to my campsite. In case it does, I rely upon Smith & Wesson to clarify things.

          • Daniel K Day May 31, 2022, 9:29 PM

            Was that “iguana” link supposed to show an iguana? All I saw were human kids.

          • Dirk June 1, 2022, 5:26 AM

            Interesting thanks Mike. Agree wide stuff happens from time to time. Tortillas are multi use. Ran out of toilet paper once. Had an abundance of those corn tortilla’s.

            Adapt, Overcome!

            I’m excited for you. Please keep us posted from the road

          • Vanderleun June 1, 2022, 7:21 AM

            Austin, in case you do not know this one I present to you the king:

            STEALTH CAMPING WITH Steve Wallis – YouTube

            • Mike Austin June 1, 2022, 8:48 AM

              Is there anywhere Wallis cannot camp? Pretty cool—but I don’t think I would try stealth camping near a police station. If I were caught the cops would search me and my bike. That would not be good. I have an aversion to handcuffs. Don’t ask why.

  • LadyBikki May 31, 2022, 12:37 PM

    Language alert
    That is all.

  • LP May 31, 2022, 1:18 PM

    I get tripped up by these false labels in the supermarket when I venture outside of my usual buys. I end up with saccharine flavored ice cream, or coffee with no caffeine, or fat free potato chips. I don’t know why they even manufacture these things. Impossible and Beyond Burgers have a strange taste, they don’t resemble meat.

    • Mike Anderson May 31, 2022, 1:57 PM

      Avoid manufactured food. Nothing more processed than yogurt, cheese, bread, or cold cuts. Everything else is full of salt, starch, grease, and ballast.

      • Vanderleun May 31, 2022, 2:55 PM

        You got that right.

      • Fletcher Christian May 31, 2022, 6:18 PM

        Yup. Good old cold cuts of American beef with extra added hormones, ractopamine, antibiotic residues, and lots of lovely heavy metals including copper. Yum. And also added prions. Have fun with your CJD.

        All on good old American sliced bread, guaranteed fibre-free and lots of delicious added sugar and extra fat.

        • Mike Anderson May 31, 2022, 6:28 PM

          Waddaya, some kind of health food nut? There’s good ol’ Italian salami, mortadella, and proscuitto, Spanish chorizo, and plenty of good American smoked sausages out there. And only a fool buys mass-produced “air bread.”

        • Mike Austin May 31, 2022, 7:06 PM


          Wow. A Brit giving food advice. This from an inhabitant of a dreary island where the locals enjoy eels and mash. There is a reason why no country on earth save for your dismal little island boasts something called “English Restaurants”. Your cuisine is on par with your dentistry.

          • Gordon Scott May 31, 2022, 7:46 PM

            Now, now, Mike. Back when my father came to visit in 1983, I kept trying to take him to American chain restaurants in England. He complained that he could eat KFC at home. So we at some English restaurant chow. Above L25, decent, even good. Under 25 quid, not very good to awful. He finally conceded I was doing the right thing.

            But it has improved. Really, it has.

            • Mike Austin May 31, 2022, 7:50 PM

              Ok then. But: How many French restaurants in England? How many English restaurants in France?

          • Vanderleun May 31, 2022, 8:08 PM

            Not truly so. I lived in England for three years running the magazine there and I had some absolutely great English food in restaurants and at homes. Then there is always the amazing and great London Indian restaurants.

            Just stay off the tourist menu and fish and chips unless they are serving the servings up in old newspapers. Then, Bob’s yer uncle.

            • Mike Austin May 31, 2022, 8:10 PM

              There is not a city on earth that cannot be improved by Indian cuisine.

            • Fletcher Christian June 1, 2022, 1:13 AM

              One of the lesser-known things about the “food safety” craze is that now, in the UK, using old newspapers for wrapping food is illegal.

              • jwm June 1, 2022, 5:53 AM

                Well, Fletch, I applaud the Brits for that small rule. The idea of food wrapped in newspaper makes me gag just thinking about it. Same with that Cajun seafood boil where they drop it all a newspaper covered table. Gross, and disgusting.


                • Vanderleun June 1, 2022, 6:36 AM

                  Actually, a newspaper, because of the way it is printed (the drying oven part runs very hot indeed) and the utterly food safe and person safe inks used, is one of the cleanest receptacles for fried foods. Absorbs the heat and excess oil nicely if you please. Sort of like those little boxes McWhoppers come in only much much cheaper and readier to hand.

                  • jwm June 1, 2022, 7:33 AM

                    I’ve been reminded of that more than once. With me, it’s more of an odd sort of phobia. I just find the sight, and especially the smell of a newspaper offensive. Always have. It can kill my appetite faster than a live bug in the salad.


                  • ghostsniper June 1, 2022, 8:26 AM

                    Does the food safe ink still come off on your hands while reading it?

              • Snakepit Kansas June 2, 2022, 4:39 AM

                Briskly, after a long night of bar hopping with some friends in Hong Kong, circa 2002, we were walking back to the hotel when we came across a street vendor cooking long chilis that were deseeded then filled with some type of corn meal then deep fried. Served up on a sheet of newspaper. Quite memorable apparently.

            • julie June 1, 2022, 10:09 AM

              Wow, that brings back memories. When I was a kid my dad was stationed at an Air Force base in Suffolk. Every now and then, the Fish ‘n Chips truck would go down our street. He’d dip and fry the fish fresh right there in front of us, and serve it all up in paper. Splash some vinegar on top, and you’re good to go.

              Every now and then, I’ll order fish and chips at an American restaurant, but it never is the same.

              We also went to a British school, which was pretty good at the time. Hot lunch every day was cooked in a real kitchen, and featured real food: meat, potatoes, some kind of vegetable and dessert. There were only two things everybody hated: liver and onions (mercifully rare, and stunk up the whole building) and Scotch eggs. Actually, I liked the Scotch eggs & think most of the kids did, but it was a point of pride to complain about them. Lunch was served in the gym, with proper silverware and God help you if didn’t have a knife in your right hand and a fork in your left. Teachers & Headmaster ate lunch with the kids. We started every day with an assembly, prayer and hymns. Everybody knew Mr. Swan, the headmaster, kept a cane in the office for wayward behavior, but nobody ever heard of him using it, since no kid dared to be that bad.

              Coming back to school in America was a huge culture shock.

  • tn May 31, 2022, 1:29 PM

    Seriously, Amorphophallus? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Konjac

  • gwbnyc May 31, 2022, 2:39 PM

    stick with the mega prairie oysters, builds strong bodies …two ways.


    • Anonymous May 31, 2022, 10:10 PM

      What does sucking ass have to do with this? Cause that’s what that guy is doing.

      • gwbnyc June 1, 2022, 10:31 AM

        -but, no, not at all, not sucking, not an ass. That’s Charles H. Sipes, Mr. Universe, demonstrating his lung power by inflating a hot water bottle bag until it bursts.

        Too, the subject is “prairie oysters”.

  • Of Mice And Men May 31, 2022, 2:55 PM

    The misanthropic philanthropists who decided that they want to own us because they already own everything will release the 100% lethal latest gain-of-function labs creation and do everything in?
    You’ll own nothing and let them eat obedience muzzles.

  • ghostsniper May 31, 2022, 2:57 PM

    Before this year is over food in general is going to take on a whole nuther level in all ways.
    Inflation, reduced sizes, trick pricing and advertising, ingredient charades, availability, contamination and quality control. The gov’t is going to implement methods to limit foods to whites while making them more available and affordable to non-whites. Think much farther ahead than you are used to thinking.

    Recently I mentioned the 27 inch in dia lettuces I am growing and a certain someone balked. That person thinks lettuce is an 8″ hard ball of iceberg wrapped in cellophane at the store and will be in the first wave to be mowed under. 2 days ago I harvested 18 of the lower leaves of 2 lettuces for our supper salad and more than half of them were leftover for the next night. At this moments those lettuces are about 30″ in dia and the leaves are 4″ wide. Mid to dark green and a mild peppery flavor. Nice. Onions and chives are going in some cold frames I built and I will try to keep them going over the winter. We also have 2 types of potatoes in the ground as well as carrots, butternut squash, cucumbers and of course tomatoes and bell peppers. Now if Dirk can set us up with half a cow we’ll be in pretty good shape. Half a hog too if possible, and 50 chickens.

  • KCK May 31, 2022, 5:46 PM

    When even rice is substituted, that is insanity.

    Normally, I’d go for freeing up the shipping from Odessa, but there is more afoot. The transportation problems and shortages is unnecessary bullshit and has a design to take the people down a few notches. You’ll be hungry, and you’ll be pissed. Eating dirt is an option. I wonder what DC bureaucrats taste like? I wonder where their food stores are?

    I know where mine are. Wild and on the claw and hoof.

    • Terry May 31, 2022, 8:38 PM

      “I wonder where their food stores are?”

      I have read that the DC crowd has multiple years worth of food and whatever stored under ground in vast tunnel systems. Something like the way ground squirrels live. Rodents. Most likely plenty of booze, narcotics and sex slaves in storage as well.

  • PA Cat May 31, 2022, 6:18 PM

    I’m surprised that Gerard didn’t mention the German word for artificial inferior stuff: Ersatz. Memories of the German home front in WWII: “In the latter stages of the war, as German home front food supplies were both rationed and in increasingly short supply, various ‘fillers’ were added for substance (if not nutrition) to loaves of bread, while ersatz coffees were made from chicory as well as from roasted and ground acorns, beechnuts, barley, and even chickpeas and oats. Most lacked any caffeine and thus any real benefit to soldiers running on few calories and less sleep. Civilians found their allotments of sugar and meats doled out by the ounce. As a result, many kept Daschschwein or “roof pigs”—the term describing cats raised as food, often in rooftop cages.”


    Somehow I can’t see either Gerard or ghostsniper using Olive, Caramel, or any of the other cats who have appeared in their posts as the main course at dinner. KCK has the right idea: those DC bureaucrats must taste just like the legislative pork they fatten on.

    • Vanderleun June 1, 2022, 7:24 AM

      Long Pig:“It’s what’s for dinner!

      • jwm June 1, 2022, 3:50 PM

        Where did you find that illustration? It’s kinda’ gross, but I like it.


    • ghostsniper June 1, 2022, 8:28 AM

      Because there are extensive alternatives available for at least the next couple years our cats aren’t even on the radar screen. The very idea…

      Remember, you ARE what you eat.

  • Gordon Scott May 31, 2022, 7:51 PM

    I don’t get it. The kind of people who would want to eat the weird burgers and ersatz chicken are the kind of people who would pass out in agony at the thought of serving anything less than organic to their family. Yet the stuff in these packages has been tortured chemically and industrially. It makes “processed snack food” look positively Earth mother natural.

    • ghostsniper June 1, 2022, 11:57 AM

      They are contradictions (liars) through and through.

  • jwm May 31, 2022, 8:34 PM

    I’m waiting to grab a huge ball of konjac flour, deep fried in palm oil, and dipped in powdered sugar, and fake boysenberry syrup at the county fair. Or maybe it’s a new kind of shrink-flation: less food in your food.


  • Terry May 31, 2022, 8:43 PM

    “I wonder where their food stores are?”

    I have read that the DC crowd has multiple years worth of food and whatever stored under ground in vast tunnel systems. Something like the way ground squirrels live. Rodents. Most likely plenty of booze, narcotics and sex slaves in storage as well.

  • Anonymous May 31, 2022, 10:14 PM

    My plan is working PURRRRRRFECTLY!

    • Vanderleun June 1, 2022, 7:32 AM

      Nah. Too easy. Don’t believe it as much as I’d like to believe it. Just far too on the nose.

  • azlibertarian June 1, 2022, 4:40 AM

    Wifeofazlib and I were visiting the youngest grandkids last week and stopped in at a grocery store for a couple of items for the second half of our trip. There, in a display of it’s own, was a stack of “Wendy’s Frosty Chocolatey (sic) Flavored Cereal”. I’m imagining the dregs of the Wendy’s marketing department got in bed with the dregs of Kellogg’s marketing department to come up with this idea. Serving this to children ought to warrant a visit from your local Child Protective Services.

  • Dirk June 1, 2022, 5:38 AM

    Speaking of something rotten, I read that Mike Sussuman was acquitted of lying to the FBI, in Washington DC. The evidence was overwhelming.

    Their comes a time when even a wild animal will chew off its rotten body part to save itself. This disease named Washington DC, is pure evil, rot, decayed beyond any possible chance of ever redeeming itself.

    These people are parasites, sucking this country dry.

    I would not shed one tear if the Entire DC was nuked. I would recognize it for what it would be.

    Mercy killing. The decay the festering sickness, a boil which needs lanced. Their is absolutely nothing to redeem that shit hole.

    This nation would thrive without those vial bastards.

    Acquitted! Absolutely utterly, devastating for our nation. simply disgusting.

    Their is but one final solution for that place, those people. DC is the disease killing this truly great nation.

    • John the River June 1, 2022, 6:26 AM

      I’ve often said that if the first Iranian A-bomb goes off in Washington DC, we should give them a mulligan.
      Sussusman trial was like the OJ Simpson trial, doomed based on the courthouse the case was tried in; black urban juries or a jury of Karens. Obviously no chance of justice being done. In my opinion, Durham wasn’t interested in winning, and now Sussusman can’t be tried again.

      • Comrade Terry June 1, 2022, 8:33 AM

        Do it during the State of the Union address. Get ’em all.

    • Vanderleun June 1, 2022, 6:39 AM

      “Cans’t thou not minister to a mind diseased…”

      “No in that case the physician must cure himself.”

    • ghostsniper June 1, 2022, 8:36 AM

      Dirk sed: “This nation would thrive without those vial bastards.”
      Not just thrive, but SOAR, to heights never seen before in world history.
      Imagine wearing a 40lb backpack constantly for every minute of your life, then at age 40 you drop the pack. Now imagine the pack is 80lbs. Go find something that is 80lbs and lift it for reference. The dead weight producer people must bear just to live their lives is a tremendous drag backwards. It’s not just the multiple tiered taxation but the enormous layers of life sapping regulations and laws. All of us are severely hobbled by this rotten assed gov’t. The entire world would be a whole new place in the absence of the us gov’t.

  • Charley Hua Chu June 1, 2022, 1:17 PM

    I can’t believe I read all those comments and no mention of that cajun delicacy – boudain. Snowflake Donuts in Texas makes a sort’uv sweet pastry dough that wraps a boudain link. The jalapeno flavor is exceptional.

  • John in Indy June 1, 2022, 2:56 PM

    Reminds me of a lump of stuff that I saw in a discount place.
    “Imitation, processed, American cheese food product”.
    I doubt a cockroach could have lived on it.
    John in Indy

  • waitingForTheStorm June 2, 2022, 5:49 AM

    My wife, who is Asian and somewhat of a rice snob. was recently remarking on the quality of the rice we get from local Chinese food restaurants.

    I tried it, as I normally don’t eat much rice. It was odd. The kernels were almost malformed and the texture was decidedly off. It was like eating little pieces of gravel and the kernels are completely separate, not glutenous as I have come to expect.

    We are wondering if they have not transitioned over to the “plant based rice style” concoction. The grains in the rice are now hard little balls with practically no taste. I showed her this article, and she is convinced that the restaurants have started making this shift to save money in this economy.

  • Carlos the Jackal June 2, 2022, 6:03 AM

    They really screwed up by not calling it “Uncle Ben’s Perverted Rice”.

    • Vanderleun June 2, 2022, 8:20 AM

      Or, for this month of months, “Uncle Ben’s Rainbow Rice.”

  • Mike Austin June 2, 2022, 8:04 AM

    I would stock up on Basmati and Jasmine rice. Today.

  • Dirk June 2, 2022, 9:32 PM

    I would only we already have thousands and thousands of pounds of rice sealed in food grade buckets. Rainy days and Sunday’s always get me down!

    Big D
    Little irk