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Remedial Thanksgiving: Just Put the F*cking Turkey in the Oven

1.Start drinking early.

2. Make sure your oven is on.

3. “Just Put the F*cking Turkey in the Oven”

4. Go for a walk.

And now, to make this item even more useful: The Butcher Carves a Turkey.

Ray Venezia, the manager of the meat department at New York’s Fairway Market, shows his technique for effectively carving a turkey.

And now, to make this item even more bizarre: Carving a Turkey with a .460 Magnum Elephant rifle.

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  • pbird November 23, 2017, 7:29 AM

    Its true. Turkey is not great. The gravy can be pretty good.

  • Mike Anderson November 23, 2017, 1:32 PM

    Smoked 12-pounder this year after marinating it overnight in some cheap white wine. Sliced it up just the way that New York butcher showed me. Ate it with giblet gravy and that recommended glass of wine. It was all great; you just need to learn how to cook that fractious bird. Not into cooking? Get some enterprising Cajun to deep fry a turkey for you and you’ll never complain again.

  • Eskyman November 23, 2017, 1:43 PM

    Tante Marie had some good advice there, but remembering back to the first time I ever cooked a turkey, a few hundred years ago (or so it seems)-

    She should have mentioned defrosting it first!

    (Yah, my first turkey was a disaster, but there was enough drinking going on that nobody minded much!) Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

  • Gordon November 23, 2017, 10:23 PM

    Ah, well, there were issues. The 21-lb beast wasn’t quite thawed. That’s not really a problem, but she insists on stuffing, not dressing, so there was no heat getting into the cavity. And, apparently the thing thawed asymetrically, so one drumstick was done! while the other needed patience. It was time to take action. Unstuff, remove cooked portions to expose uncooked, and cut the thing in half, roughly on the spine, so that it sat lower in the pan, allowing side dishes above it. It worked. We ate and it was good. She introduced a new cranberry sauce of her own invention and that was really good. The vegan chocolate cake purchased at some cost from the natural food store was really quite tasty, and the non-neurotics agreed.

    The reason for 21 pounds? It is because three households want leftovers. So, next year, I will roast a 12 pounder on Monday evening, and the meat, stuffing and gravy will be divided and bagged for takeaway. Then on the day, another 12-pounder, easily managed, becomes the meal.

  • Snakepit Kansas November 28, 2019, 5:45 AM

    Mike Anderson’s smoked turkey sounds fantastic!

    Mom and a friend that is considered family will join our crew today for Thanksgiving. I will serve wild turkey breast (shot it with my old Reminton 11-48) and noodles. As backup, I will bake four cornish hens. Mashed potatoes, skin on, and I’ll drop a brick of cream cheese and tub of sour cream just before mixing. Wife will make stir fry green beans. We have plenty of red wine.

    As for the .460WbyMag…that is a heavy duty cartridge. It is for recoil junkies only. Years ago while working overseas, single and was flush with cash, I told one of my gun range buddies back home in the US to go to the gun show and surprise me with something exotic and I would wire him the money. He picked out a Ruger #1 chambered in .458WinMag. Brutal recoil when I load 500gr. bullets. If the elephants ever escape the zoo and attack my house, I’ll be ready.

  • John The River November 28, 2019, 6:59 AM

    Happy and Safe Thanksgiving everyone!
    Not cooking this year, or drinking very much; being dragged off to my GF’s liberal families house for the day. And I have been told to shut up.
    I’ll do a small turkey for the two of us this weekend, lots of turkeys will be on sale Saturday.

  • Vanderleun November 28, 2019, 7:25 AM

    I’m in Chico watching the
    Grass Valley Weather
    for the level of snow that is falling and will fall…. too much now or later and I’m shut out of Thanksgiving at my brother’s house.

  • Andy Havens November 28, 2019, 7:45 AM

    Good luck getting to your brother. Happy Thanksgiving!

  • ghostsniper November 28, 2019, 9:52 AM

    Well our T-Day started out early with our oldest cat, Cameo – 17 years old, dying after doing poorly for the past couple weeks. After that I didn’t feel much like cooking anything. At 10am I started adjusting and at 10:45 the 7lb Honesuckle turkey breast went in the oven at 350. I’ll turn it 180 every 30 and in a few I’ll start basting it with melted butter infused with parsley, sage, and thyme. No rosemary on hand. The very thought of stuffing, like my mother made when we were kids, turns my stomach so it will be dressing, Pepperidge Farms. All the sides ingredients are lined up on the buffet counter ready to be prepared in their proper times. ETA about 5pm. Got a case of 16oz Buds in the bottom drawer of the fridge and they will be getting all starting about 3pm. Oh yeah, will finish up about 10pm with a slab of Kroger custard punkin pie about 4″ tall slathered in cool whip. Buuurp, blaaattt. If you’re feelin froggy come on by, but bring your appetite but leave the moon at home, unless you want to indian leg wrestle. Cameo will go to the crematorium tomorrow then she will sit in a custom hard wood urn I will make for her on the shelf on the stairway landing where all her brothers and sisters sit, and eventually me. 11 urns so far – starting to look like a shrine.

  • Teri Pittman November 29, 2019, 9:33 AM

    A friend invited me over for Thanksgiving, the year my husband died. She had a lot of folks over and was rushing around checking to see how things were coming along. About noon, she checked the turkey. And she discovered that her mom, who’d checked the turkey earlier in the morning, had accidentally turned off the oven. Upon learning this, one of the folks there said, “We’re going to need more wine.” and headed off to town.

    My friend hacked up the turkey and tried to cook it in the microwave. It was awful but we had more wine by then and were able to get by on the rest of the food there. I still like to kid her about it.