≡ Menu

RantOmatic #7: Eric Raymond of Armed and Dangerous types for me

How the D candidates would introduce themselves at the next debate if they were honest |

Hi, I’m Joe Biden. I’m the perfect apparatchik – no principles, no convictions, and no plan. I’m senile, and I have a problem with groping children. But vote for me anyway because orange man bad.

Hi, I’m Kamala Harris. My white ancestors owned slaves, but I use the melanin I got from my Indian ancestors to pretend to be black. My own father has publicly rebuked me for the pandering lies I tell. I fellated my way into politics; put me into the White house so I can suck even more!

Hi, I’m Elizabeth Warren. Even though I’m as white as library paste, I pretended to be an American Indian to get preferment. My research on medical bankruptcies was as fraudulent as the way I gamed the racial spoils system. So you should totally trust me when I say I’m “capitalist to my bones”!

Hi, I’m Bernie Sanders. I honeymooned in the Soviet Union. I’m an unreconstructed, hammer-and-sickle-worshiping Communist.

Hi, I’m Kirsten Gillibrand. I used to be what passes for a moderate among Democrats – I even supported gun rights. Now I’ve swung hard left, and will let you just guess whether I ever had any issue convictions or it was just pandering all the way down. Tee-hee!

Hi, I’m Amy Klobuchar, and I’ve demonstrated my grasp on the leadership skills necessarily for the leader of the Free World by being notoriously abusive towards my staff.

Hi, I’m Robert Francis O’Rourke. I’m occupying the “imitate the Kennedy” lane in this race, and my credentials for it include DUI and fleeing an accident scene. The rumors that I’m a furry are false; the rumors that I’m a dimwitted child of privilege are true. But vote for me anyway, crucial white-suburban-female demographic, because I have such a winning smile!

Hi, I’m Pete Buttigieg. I was such a failure as the mayor of South Bend that my own constituents criticize me for having entered this race, but the Acela Corridor press loves me because I’m fashionably gay. And how right they are; any candidate you choose is going to bugger you up the ass eventually, but I’ll do it like an expert!

Hi, I’m Bill de Blasio. I’m as Communist as Bernie, but I hide it better. And if Pete thinks his constituents don’t want him in this race? Hold…my…beer!

Hi, I’m Cory Booker, and I’m totally not gay. OK, maybe I’m just a little gay. My city was a shithole when I was elected and I’ve done nothing to change that; I’m really just an empty suit with a plausible line of patter, especially the “I am Spartacus” part. But you should totally vote for me because I’m…what was the phrase? Oh, yeah. “Clean and articulate.”

Hi, I’m Marianne Williamson. If elected, I will redecorate the White House so it has proper feng shui. I am the sanest and least pretentious person on this stage.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Walter Sobchak August 21, 2019, 9:45 AM

    I think his comments are entirely too kind.

  • tim August 21, 2019, 9:59 AM

    What Walter said.
    Also, photoshop the American flags on clown car into Soviet flags.

  • Sam L. August 21, 2019, 11:18 AM

    Gerard, thou hast those turkeys hoisted with their own petards.

  • Skorpion August 21, 2019, 11:19 AM

    I notice you didn’t mention Tulsi Gabbard — a blooded Iraq War vet, National Guard Major (currently on deployment), and half-Polynesian Hindu who’s been able to put together a cross-partisan coalition of support. But realistically, she’s a 1000-1 shot for the Dem nomination, and probably not even viable as a *Diversity* ticket-balancer in the VP slot.

  • tim August 21, 2019, 11:28 AM

    “a blooded Iraq War vet”

    Not seeing any purple heart – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulsi_Gabbard

  • Vanderleun August 21, 2019, 1:34 PM

    “Blooded” does not mean “wounded.” It means that the person has seen combat.

    Gabbard served at Logistical Support Area Anaconda in Iraq, completing her tour in 2005.[16][17] Anaconda had the nickname “Mortaritaville” because of the high frequency of Iraqi insurgent mortars targeting it.[18]

  • ghostsniper August 21, 2019, 2:53 PM

    Doubtful the word “seen” means what you think it does.
    It has nothing to do with guns or enemy but rather proximity.
    Blooded is a silly term based in overt bravado with very little truth behind it.
    I wouldn’t be surprised if hollywood came up with it.

    Regardless, that line up above is a hell of an embarrassment idn’t it?
    THAT is what american politics has stooped to.
    Try to imagine what the next national election line up will look like.
    At some point insanity self implodes.

  • Skorpion August 21, 2019, 3:18 PM

    @Ghost: Can’t argue with you there.

  • Vanderleun August 21, 2019, 3:25 PM

    BLOODED is from the Middle English and has a spectrum of meanings. One is:

    I’ll let a rookie march behind me with a loaded weapon once he’s been blooded in combat, until then he stays in front where I can see which way he’s pointing.”

  • Dr. Jay August 21, 2019, 4:12 PM

    Despite his efforts, Trump has never really got the hang of Feng Shui. Vote Marianne!

  • H August 21, 2019, 4:34 PM

    Trump strikes me as more of a Feng Shive kinda guy.

  • NealinNevada August 21, 2019, 5:50 PM

    I thought I would piss my pamts laughing when I read your reply to “troutwaxer” Gerard…

    “Thank you troutwaxer. Now wax your trout and get back to your day job of teaching autofellatio to dogs.”

    Then just as I am somewhat recovered from that, the next comedian adds:

    “As George Carlin once said, “If I could do that, I’d never leave the house.””

    My wife of 50 years is laughing at me laughing so hard…THANKS!

  • ghostsniper August 21, 2019, 7:03 PM

    The way things are in the military’s any more I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s never even seen a loaded gun let alone possessed one. Even back in my day ammo was a very protected commodity and “sensitive item” checks were done many times each day. Sensitive items were guns, bayonets, gas masks, radios, decon apparatus, daily pods, and prolly some other stuff I’m forgetting.

    Again, watching the long decline of the military’s, and observing her deeply flawed character, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has.

  • Boat Guy August 22, 2019, 5:00 PM

    Gabbard, despite doing more than many, if not most, is what is referred to in this war as a fobbit. We frankly have too many folks hiding behind their service ( a certain gun-grabbing freshman from Colorado comes to mind). The term “combat veteran” has been debased as have so many other things in our current culture. Frankly even if you’re a no-kidding “combat veteran” if you turn your back on your oath, you’re no better than a pogue anyway.

  • Casey Klahn August 24, 2019, 10:53 PM

    She’s blooded! She’s a woman, FFS.

    I understand that Jay Inslee is out of the race. Shit! That means he’ll be back at the helm in Washington.

  • Casey Klahn August 24, 2019, 11:05 PM

    Ghostie, I was so offended by your comment, I had to hold up my “Safe Space” stress card just then.


    Okay. My opinion is that many women serve well and honorably in the war zone. Too many are too close to the action, though. That’s our fault as a liberal culture.

    As an army veteran (NG from 1975-85) I do note that a lot of politicians have photos of themselves in full gear, and yet they actually worked a keyboard in an air conditioned office, and only saw action in line at Burger King. I reserve the right to criticize the hell out of veterans running as democrats. The only one I have respect for at this point in time is Jim Webb, and as far as I know he’s not running.