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Rant0matic: So God Made a Bloomberg

It was getting difficult to pick a single Democrat candidate to loathe when the whole clown car collection of totalitarian virus vectors was loathsome. But then the Death Dwarf showed up in all his vile lineaments of ungratified desire and caused all remaining Democrats not sodden with Bernie phlegm to prick their thumbs and press their bloody thumbprints on the sell-out your soul agreement with Satan. The slogan of the day now seems to be, à bas Bernie. En haut Bloomie!”  This translates to:

Because I no longer have cable television I have been spared being drenched in the tsunami of rancid sputum that is being generated by this plutocrat’s cash through endless teams of admen of no conscience. This blissful state came to the end yesterday when I was exposed to one of these Bloombergian owl turds on Youtube. In that one 30 second blast of Bloomberg blather, my repulsion became adamantine.  It was a paen to the values of the small town in America with lots of long shots of grain and picturesque downtowns.  It reached out and, for an undisclosed but substantial sum, whored out “Small Town” busker John Mellencamp. In the manner of political ads it was business as usual but set against the Bloomberg’s famous “I can teach farming to any simpleton” spiel it caused my gorge to rise and my “Must rant” writer’s gene to kick in. Fortunately, Sean Davis of the federalist wrote So God Made A Bloomberg and saved me a lot of keystrokes…

And on the 8th day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, “I need a tiny, soulless technocrat to tell everyone else how to live their lives.” So God made a Bloomberg.

God said, “I need a know-it-all Wall Street banker who made more money by getting fired than most men will make their entire lives working an honest job.” So God made a Bloomberg.

“I need somebody with hands strong enough to carry a stool and a booster seat wherever he goes, but gentle enough to sign the voter registration papers as a Democrat, and then a Republican, and then an Independent, and then a Democrat again.

“Somebody who would tell a female employee to kill her own baby so she could work longer hours, a grieving family that it’s a waste to give medical care to old people, or a farmer that growing food is easy and any idiot with half a brain could manage it. Someone who could tell a mother that parenting was as simple as hiring ‘some black who doesn’t even have to speak English’ to raise her dumb kid.” So God made a Bloomberg.

God said, “I need somebody willing to randomly accost black men for no good reason other than having the wrong color skin. I need somebody who will say that the best way to reduce crime is to target black kids and ‘throw them up against the walls and frisk them’ for the crime of being black. Someone who will brag that one side effect of putting ‘all the cops in the minority neighborhoods’ is that you end up ‘arresting kids for marijuana that are all minorities.’” So God made a Bloomberg.

“I need somebody willing to tell those awful poors that they need to be disproportionately taxed for their own good because they’re too stupid to know what’s good for them. Somebody who will ban the sale of 32 oz. fountain drinks, but not the sale of two 16 oz. sodas, because everyone knows sugary syrup from a single cup is way worse for you than sugary syrup from two smaller cups, plus it’s not like Fatty Boombalatty over there has the self-control to put down the Big Gulp himself.” So God made a Bloomberg.

God had to have somebody willing to forcibly remove black guns from black hands because, “They just don’t have any long-term focus or anything.” Somebody who thought the best way to reduce crime was to take the description of “male, minority, 16 to 25” and “Xerox it and pass it out to all the cops.” So God made a Bloomberg.

God said, “I need somebody with no charm, no charisma, and no compelling reason to ever serve in government to nonetheless buy his way onto the ballot, then buy his way into the mayor’s office, then buy off the city council to eliminate the two-term limit on mayoral service. And then I need him to spend nine figures buying his way into the Democrat primary, because there would be nothing more hilarious than watching a broken down old socialist get robbed, again, by yet another New York crony who is the life-size poster child for everything that’s wrong with modern capitalism.”

So God made a Bloomberg.


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Callmelennie February 19, 2020, 11:08 AM

    Someone should pen a corollary to this called “So God Made A Farmer” just to stick it to Mini-Mike

    That would be hilarious ……. and yes, I realize that I’m being ironic

  • PA Cat February 19, 2020, 1:16 PM

    I don’t think it was God who introduced Bloomberg into His creation.

  • Schill McGuffin February 19, 2020, 2:13 PM

    Given that his previous run failed so resoundingly, and his public appeal out of the gate seems near nil, I’d assumed that his running at all was largely a scheme to let him funnel money into the Democrats’ general fund. That he seems to be the Great White Hope of “moderate” democrats is truly, cringingly funny. If Hillary has shown the limitations of what big bucks can accomplish in politics, Bloomberg seems bent on reinventing that wheel.

    That the media seems bent on talking up his alleged appeal in the absence of any discernible supporting evidence reminds me a bit of Beto O’Rourke.

  • Dan Kurt February 19, 2020, 4:27 PM

    RE: “Someone should pen a corollary to this called “So God Made A Farmer” just to stick it to Mini-Mike” Callmelennie

    Some one did. It was Paul Harvey:

    Dan Kurt

  • Callmelennie February 20, 2020, 9:57 AM

    I actually remember hearing that 35 years ago, Dan

    But even if I had never heard of it, I would have strongly suspected that there MUST have been an original composition called “So God Made A Farmer”… simply because of the circumstances

    I have some ability at parodies myself; so I know a parody when I see it. And this one was brutal

  • Anonymous February 20, 2020, 2:04 PM

    …..And on the 8th day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, “I need a tiny, soulless technocrat to tell everyone else how to live their lives.” So God made a Bloomberg.

    Uh, I think that God made a whole butt load of them. You’d think that the Creator of the human trait of “using discretion” would have applied some of it to His creation….. (just joking, Lord).

  • Casey Klahn February 20, 2020, 8:15 PM

    News is locally that Bloomberg is coming to visit a local farm very near me. The farmers that invited him wanna school him so he’ll correct his unnnerstandin about farmers.

    Oh shit.

  • Casey Klahn February 20, 2020, 9:16 PM

    Farmers are fukkin brilliant, BTW. Auto mechanics and big diesel mechanics who lathe their own tools and tractor or combine parts. Builders. Growers. Businessmen or women. Community members.

    Farming is more than four times as hard as the average high end career; I’m not kidding. Bloomberg is not only disrespectful, but he’s ignorant. American farmers have marked the world for the better and are responsible for the lives of millions fed through innovation, grit, and enterprise. Bloomberg is a quack; he squeaks stupidity and farts authoritarianism. Is it worse to be imperious, or stupefyingly dull and in charge?

    Fuck him very much.