An Open Letter from Obama-Americans to Islam: Please Come and Kill More of Us.

TO: ISLAM
FROM: AUUO! (AMERICANS UNITED UNDER OBAMA)
RE: KILLING US MORE BETTER

DEAR ISLAM,

It's 9/10 again in America! Our President has said the U.S. "is not and never will be at war with Islam." We say, "Come out, come out, wherever you are! Olly olly oxen free!"

You may have asked yourselves if, with the apotheosis of Barack Hussein Obama, the American supporters of the President of the Millennium are impatient with you. Yes, it's true. You are not fulfilling our desires which we believe we have made clear with our election and deification of Obama. So let's be clear about one thing: as supporters of Obama we thirst for death. Our death. Now that President Obama has signaled we can kill our babies, our brain dead (except if they are serving Democrats), and our too old or too sick, we'd like to move on to ourselves because, as any good Democrat will tell you, there can never be too much death for us!

We would like you, at your earliest opportunity, to slake our deaththirst - especially that of the whitest and therefore most guilty among us - by slaughtering us wholesale.

We thought our guilt would leave us when we elected Obama, but it has only gotten deeper. For President has shown us, in so many ways in the last week, just how deeply wrong America has been; just how guilty it is for simply existing. (True, he was just warming up for the expunging of Israel, but we can take a hint.)

Dearest Islam, hear our prayer and lamentation. As President Obama reminds us, "fairness" is what all of life should be about. Just as you hate us for what we are, so we loathe ourselves for who we are. We have so much while you, the petulant children of a whacked-out god, oppressed by your own ratty cultures and fascist governments and unable to contribute anything to civilization for over 500 years, have so little except your "trauma." Because of this we feel it is only fair that you get to kill more of us at will.

As Obama-Americans we have a problem with our self-esteem in this country, and that problem is that you are not killing enough of us quickly enough. Especially if we support Obama. You don't think we're worshipping him for him for our health, or even his health-plan, do you?

We don't ask for much in this regard. We only ask that now that Obama leads us and soothes you, you plan our deaths more carefully and thoroughly. We note that, during the unfortunate events of the 11th, only a few of our children were killed by you. They died because they just happened to be on our airplanes that you borrowed for the day.

This is unacceptable to us. As Obama-Americans we believe in equality of outcome regardless of age. We believe in including children in all our important events. After all, they're citizens too. Therefore, please make sure to be more inclusive in the future.

If you could please manage a mass hostage taking at, say, The Mall of America that replicates Beslan Massacre where 344 innocent civilians were killed, 186 of them children, we'd turn out for it in droves. We'd even buy new Birkenstocks and wrap ourselves and our kids in new white bedsheets -- in the Islamic burial shroud way, not the KKK, of course.

We realize that Beslan is a high-water mark in terms the of bestial slaughter of people like us who otherwise might enjoy just another boring day of shopping for Prada knockoffs and $300 New Balance sneakers for their kids. We know you can rise to the challenge. Working together in harmony we can even hope to get the event listed at Stuff White People Like.

Don't forget, before you touch off the explosives that incinerate ten thousand or more of us here and there across the land, to get Katie Couric and Keith Olbermann to visit so they can interview you about your abusive fathers and traumatic childhoods. Obama after all had an absent father and a mental mother and so feels your pain. As do all of us who yearn to be like him.

If possible, could you answer the questions of our caring Obama media while slitting the throats of our children for the cameras? It makes for much more interesting reality-TV than the dull screeching-mullah clips you've been releasing of late telling Hillary she's nucking futz. Ratings will soar when this stuff is shown in heavy rotation on MSNBC, CBS, ABC, Fox, CNN and MTV. If you could start the slaughter with the smallest and cutest of our kids, and cut throats upward until you reach our teenage daughters, you can keep this thing rolling for days.

Don't worry about our police or even the National Guard. On instructions from President Obama they'll spend days "assessing" the situation, and pausing for interviews and reactions from the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy (If he's still around. Put a rush on this, okay?)

Don't rush it too much when it comes to the doing. You'll have plenty of time. With any luck, our President Obama will call you to "talk" and then will reconvene the 9/11 Commission to examine the motivations for your throat slittings in real-time.

It is for this reason that you should confine your terrorism to the week-ends in American malls so you can be sure of having enough of our children on hand. It wouldn't do to run out of throats to slit or heads to cut off while you have the nation's attention. You don't want people clicking away to watch "Survivor," do you?

Now, from time to time, we might catch a few of you, but don't be deterred by this. With Obama it's all good. President Obama's new policy for terrorists is strictly "catch and release."

With Obama we'll have all terrorists reclassified as "victimized" criminals. We'll make you as comfortable as possible. You'll have a chunk of years spent warmer and more well-fed and cared for than our homeless.

If caught under Obama-Rules, you'll have bail set in a traffic court, and bail met by the ACLU. You'll also have the freedom to practice your religious mania as well as free cable. You'll have access to the finest free legal counsel that we can provide. You'll have the time and materials to write out your story and you will, unlike many of our citizens, go to the front of the line in getting your version of "Killing Infidels and Children: My Struggle" published to universal notice. If you time it right, you'll get an above the fold five-star review on the front page of the Sunday New York Times. Depend upon it.

Finally, we note the fact that your chosen god doesn't have a whole lot of use for women other than as breed-sows for making more Muslims, and that your erotic drives are, from a very young age, channeled towards lithe and lovely members of your own sex. Obama-Americans believe that all lifestyles are equal. Hence you'll find yourself awarded some all expense paid R&R at the "Downtrodden Terrorists" Resort in San Francisco for relaxation. Once checked in you'll have no end of opportunities. If you run low, we can always bus in a passel of dope-smoking barely legal and almost bare skateboard and surfer boys from Southern California and toss them in your room for refreshment. It's the Obama-American way.

Remember, the watchwords of our All-Obama government will be "warmth," "caring," "blathering," and "understanding." After you've undergone sufficient warm, caring and understanding blather, we can then look towards getting you set up with one of the "Moderate Muslim Mullahs" that gave money to the Obama campaign. Just be patient and everything will work out as Allah wills.

You may even think that, sooner or later, you may actually have to undergo a trial.
And you may think that just because we executed Timothy McVeigh , we might actually, at some point, start executing Muslim terrorists just because they are slaughtering us.

Forget about it. McVeigh was a libertarian, a Catholic, an American and white. You are, by definition, fascist, Islamic, an anti-American and brown. Our much touted "justice system" assures you that you cannot be executed no matter how many of us you kill because Obama has decreed you have an Allah-given right to kill us. You have, thanks to our jury system, been given a "Get Out of Your Execution Free" card. If you wait long enough, we'll be sending you your "Get Out of Jail Free Card." You will then be flown, free of charge and first class, to the Islamic country of your choice to be worshipped as a "Hero of Jihad" for life. Or you can just stay in America, in the town or city of your choice, and employ your skills as a Hallal butcher. We'd even let you poach some of our surviving kids to cut your overhead.

So, when you really think about it, what have you got to lose? Chillax!

We know that all this may seem stupid and laughable to you, but Obama-Americans know that it is a pleasure and honor to be killed by you in the worst way you can imagine. It's how we feel your pain. It's the Obama-American Way. Keep the faith. We, and our children, are here for you.

Yours truly,
AUUO! (AMERICANS UNITED UNDER OBAMA)

[Updated from May of last year, but not updated all that much.]

Posted by Vanderleun at April 8, 2009 2:23 PM