November 28, 2004

Soros Buys Kiev Holiday Inn for Inbound Contingent of Blue State Human Shields

Soros to Shields:"If I'm buying, you're flying."

In a stunning move to reverse the threat to democracy in the Ukraine George Soros wrote a check on Sunday to take possession of the Kiev Holiday Inn and Bali-Themed singles Bar in order the guarantee housing for some 15,000 Blue State Human Shields now inbound to the beleaguered Republic.

Working closely with the recently unemployed staff of, Soros raised the money from himself during a tense, non-stop negotiating session at his wet-bar last Friday.

"I thought of all the angst and agita I've experienced over the last three weeks," said the reclusive billionaire at a press conference attended by Graydon Carter, Annie Leibovitz and the entire newroom of The New York Times. "What good is money to me when there are democracies to save? And after all, isn't's motto 'Democracy in Action' ? It is. But what can a humble billionaire do in a world ruled by Halliburton?" Mr. Soros paused as Ms. Leibovitz made a few deft adjustments to his hair.

"Then it came to me. The Human Shields have been out of work and gathering rust and dust in the remainder bins of history for well over a year. The millions of depressed Democrats who have been considering relocation to a Bush-Free Zone have run out of gas long before the petroleum exporting countries ruled by Halliburton. Kerry isn't giving the $16 million back, and I don't know what to think about the rumors that Teresa is out buying a house and new suits for Obama.

"I'm an entrepreneur who's always looking to make lemonade out of lemons, and this thing in the Ukraine seems to have more than its share of lemons. So I thought, hey, we could get the Human Shields back in the game, move on, give the Democrats another chance of saving democracy, and show up that Boston bozo for the stiff that he is. On top of that, if it works out and democracy is actually saved in the Ukraine, I can flip my Holiday Inn for a nice appreciation ride. The left profile is my best, Annie. How many times do I have to tell you?"

Posted by Vanderleun at November 28, 2004 10:14 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Good one! Has he got room for the "We're Sorry" crowd, too?

Posted by: Eagle1 at November 29, 2004 4:19 AM

I find it quite disturbing that I wasn't sure this was satire until the second paragraph :-/

Posted by: Harvey at November 29, 2004 4:46 AM

Yeah, I was kind of hoping this was true. This belongs with the best of Scrappleface or The Onion. (Boy, you don't hear many references to that mag anymore, do you?)

Posted by: mark butterworth at November 29, 2004 3:18 PM

The one problem with this is that the human shields would mass (if they indeed massed) against the threat OF democracy in the Ukraine, not the threat TO democracy. After all, Powell and Bush have both made statements in favor of the protestors, who are clearly imperialists imperiling the valiant Putinite resistance, etc.

Posted by: jaed at December 1, 2004 2:39 AM