June 23, 2011

BikeNaked: Seattle, the Solstice, and Bare Naked Ladies (and Gents))


[Note: Because I was traveling I missed this rite of summer this year. No matter, edgy rituals such as this have become utterly predictable. Hence this year was much like 2009 when I did attend and took "notes." This year? No different except it took place in the cold rain with the predictable result of nipple perkiness and penis shrinkiness all around:]

From:Fremont Solstice Parade 2011

Last Saturday, the denizens of the self-named "Peoples Republic of Fremont" in Seattle celebrated their state religion, paganism, by worshiping the Summer Solstice with a parade. But since, in Fremont, anything worth doing is worth overdoing, they held a parade before the parade. This "opening" parade is officially known as "The Solstice Cyclist Parade." Unofficially it is known at "The Big Bunch of Buck Naked Bozos on Bikes Parade."

Being alerted to this annual "running of the butts" ritual, I thought it my moral duty to attend and document this pre-rutting ritual. At great personal risk, I placed myself in the street in front of this barrage of bikers and bravely clicked away. The results can be seen after the jump.

Warning: If you are offended by several tons of T&A on bike seats, you are the kind of person who would never, EVER, click the continue link. Some of these pictures are NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Still others are NOT SAFE FOR YOUR EYES.

You, yes you, have been warned.


The first thing you need to know is that none of the naked cyclists are, well, really naked. That's the party line of the cyclists which uses the "artist" defense to keep them from being busted should some sort of repressive regime magically return to Seattle. Of course, it is bullshit of the high quality that the media loves.

They report. You decide. The Examiner swallows the coy BS of the cyclists with,

To be clear, the naked cyclists are not a bunch of nudists on bikes. Granted there may be some “nudists” in the bunch, but a better way to describe them would be as artists. Free-spirited perhaps, but artists nonetheless. And to be even clearer, the naked cyclists are not actually completely nude; they’re wearing costumes. They are more officially known as the "Painted Cyclists," and some of the paint jobs are so ingeniously done that a mere first glance fools the eye into thinking the wearer is actually donning clothes. -- Examiner

Yeah. Right. Here's the cyclist leading off the parade:


Followed closely by:


And then it's time for..... everybody else rolling down on you in waves...


Since it was a bit of a cold summer day (Which one isn't these days?), the temperature was not kind to men:


But it did make the women rather, ah, perky:


Some of the women seemed to be offering themselves up for a summer's fertility rite:



Others seemed to be already partnered:


And still the waves of bodies on bikes came on like an tsunami of flesh-pedalers.

Some seemed to be involved in the improvement of bicycling safety, such as this man who is clearly demonstrating the dangers of biking naked without a helmet:


Others seemed to be promoting the "Yes, I Have No Shame Society of Seattle:"



But just when you wanted to run from the middle of the street screaming "I got the fear!" something magical would draw you back:


Of course you don't actually have to have a bicycle to be in the parade. Wheels of any sort qualify:

Superheroes with super-endowment attended

Entry from Alaska titled: "Mush you huskies!"

Not keeping his balls in the air

Shopping spree sisters on skates

Some seemed to be representatives of the hive mind:


Some seemed to draw their painting inspiration from the primitive roots of mankind:



Others seemed quite up to date:

"I am your stimulus package!"
"Seems like a mighty small package."

Not a few riders seemed to have escaped from some institution:


And a few (thankfully) seemed to be unclear on the concept of naked:


From time to time, inspiration overcame concept and the result was memorable:




On and on they came in the bare-naked waves....


... until they passed and faded away down the street and off to wherever naked bicyclists go to regroup from their exertions.

Then it was time for the main parade to begin....


Which, in case you forgot, was deep in the heart of the Seattle neighborhood that calls itself... more and more without irony...


The People's Republic of Fremont.

Posted by Vanderleun at June 23, 2011 8:22 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

You son of a bitch, you. You just had to, didn't you?

Posted by: Andy at June 22, 2009 10:23 AM

Yes, I just couldn't help myself.

Posted by: vanderleun at June 22, 2009 10:29 AM

Whew!!!!! Thanks for the warning, Girard. I'm choosing to NOT click any further as many people should truly not have their clothes off in a well lighted area.

This also reminds me to disinfect any 'unknown' bike-seat that may come in contact with my bum. One may not know where a bike seat has been, eh?

Posted by: cond0010 at June 22, 2009 10:33 AM

Brave man.
You lured me in with the first babe, then dropped the hammer after the bump. Sort of a cyberspace gloryhole of damnation.

Posted by: james wilson at June 22, 2009 10:34 AM

It does make it easier to be certain who the Obama voters were.

Posted by: Matt at June 22, 2009 10:53 AM

Just what we need -- a Tour de Schwantz.

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at June 22, 2009 10:54 AM

I was driving across the Aurora Bridge and saw the crowd down below in Fremont. I thought about going, but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Thanks for taking one for the team.

Posted by: Mumblix Grumph at June 22, 2009 10:55 AM

Observations: The bicycle seat -- naked human crotch interface, seems to me to be very problematic.

Having seen similar reports from Zombie of similar festivities in San Francisco, You should count your blessings for living in Seattle. The SF riders had 40 years and 100 lbs each on the Seattle girls.

Posted by: Fat Man at June 22, 2009 11:11 AM

Ah...I believe that phrase should be "flesh pedalers."

I'm reminded of Cliff Arquette doing bits as Charley Weaver on the old Jack Paar tonight show. One of his routines was answering questions from the audience.

Asked "What are two things you should never do in a bedroom?," his response was "Laugh and point."

Posted by: Rob De Witt at June 22, 2009 11:50 AM

Seeing all of those dicks....

I am SO not gay.

Posted by: Lance de Boyle at June 22, 2009 12:06 PM

Thanks Rob. A valuable update.

Posted by: vanderleun at June 22, 2009 12:15 PM

And there are the children lined up curbside, by supervising adults one assumes, to learn just how closely related humans are to animals. Pigs roll in mud too.

There is no hope.

Posted by: Western Chauvinist at June 22, 2009 12:18 PM

Twenty years ago when Fremont's Triangle Tavern was my second home, the naked cyclers and other assorted neighborhood goofballs at least had the advantage of being somewhat eccentric. As a tradition it now just comes across as a pagan version of NY's St. Patrick's day parade. I look forward to Mayor Nickels, Governor Gregoire, and the City Council at the head of the procession riding a designed by commitee bicycle built for 11 next year.

Posted by: westsoundmodern at June 22, 2009 12:47 PM

The result of the worship of the self, the toddler mentality in what should be adults.

BTW - the guy on the little girl's Barbie Bike ought to be watched/have a DNA sample taken. Just in case.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at June 22, 2009 3:36 PM

Once upon a time, I actually climbed aboard a bicycle in my birthday suit.

I found exactly one possible advantage: your pant leg won't get caught in the chain.

Otherwise, a whole heaping bowl of Not Good.

Posted by: CGHill at June 22, 2009 4:40 PM

Naked bicyclists.
Well, all we have here in La Habra, Ca. is the Corn Festival. Big cobs everywhere. Twelve inchers aren't uncommon at all. All the ladies like it, and you can win a Mustang from the Lions Club to boot. But we don't let people ride naked on bicycles here in Southern California.



Posted by: jwm at June 22, 2009 8:43 PM

In Bakersfield, CA today, they had a celebration for the 67th Anniversary of Congress' approval of "The Pledge of Allegiance". There weren't many people there, but they did have the Mayor and a few other elected officials. Being from Pennsylvania, I was somewhat surprised that they had people dedicated enough to put in the effort required to organize a patriotic event here in CA. One of the speakers is actually trying to get "In God We Trust" signs put up in city halls across the country (In God We Trust Inc.). No naked fruitcakes on bicycles but we did release red, white and blue balloons (biodegradeable, so animals can digest them, naturally). My apologies for being off topic and preaching to the choir, but people need to know that the WHOLE country is not running off the rails. GOD BLESS OUR NATION.

Posted by: Roger Drew Williams at June 22, 2009 11:17 PM

These people should move to Berlin. There they would be most popular. Hopefully the U S A will turn back soon from their European socialist spree and laissez faire big politics nationally and worldwide. Give piece(s) (of ass) no chance.

Posted by: GasGerd at June 23, 2009 3:47 AM

These people should move to Berlin. There they would be most popular. Hopefully the U S A will turn back soon from their European socialist spree and laissez faire big politics nationally and worldwide. Give piece(s) (of ass) no chance.


Posted by: GasGerd at June 23, 2009 3:48 AM

I just wish America could go back to being America....leave this crap to The rapidly diminishing Europeans.(myself excepted)

Posted by: thud at June 23, 2009 2:23 PM

Queen, for slideshow background music, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzuj5d7C-lw

Posted by: Fausta at June 23, 2009 2:43 PM

just scattered thoughts (it's all I can manage after Gerard's super hyper colored photos):

- America, clodhopping manager of enlightenment ideals though it might be, is not enough. We've got to distinguish ourselves from the clodhopping majority - we must display our sense of transcendental freedom...

- Creativity is good (even though I might not be creative - O well I'll just take my clothes off - that will prove my creativity)

- creative nudity is contingent upon the tolerant squares (try the naked bike ride in Iran);

- I stopped going to the Freemont fair back in 2002 when I saw the Palestinian Liberation Front tent/booth. Typical of the Seattle hippie left - anything that spits in the eye of America is good....

Posted by: doug at June 23, 2009 6:43 PM

I'd hope "laugh and point" was the typical onlooker's reaction.

Posted by: Brett_McS at June 24, 2009 4:18 AM

Remember, these are the good people who probably think Sara Palin is crazy.

Posted by: Brian J. at June 24, 2009 9:08 AM

what is this, kind of a 'Cirque du Sully'?

Posted by: danny schley at June 25, 2009 1:45 AM

What a bunch of ugly out of shape fucks - guess that granola diet doesn't work

Posted by: Chris G at June 25, 2009 12:25 PM

Actually, my favorite is "disappointing.jpg". I think she's pretty damn cute myself.

Posted by: rickl at June 27, 2009 4:56 AM

I am disappointed in your surprisingly small-minded view of the human body. Your focus on size (condemning those larger than model/actor size) and constant harping on who can/should appear in public naked reveal that you have not yet questioned your assumptions. I am a former model, at 48 still a size 4, and I still turn heads. I also have a Ph.D. and a spiritual practice that challenges me to always work to remove the limitations on my perceptions that prejudice sets. You demonstrated here that the cheap shot and easy joke matter more to you than respecting each human and his or her expressions. Your attitude invited others to join you on the mountaintop from whence the throng of you issued decisions on whether or not these individuals caught by you on camera practicing their civil liberties and artistic license succeeded in pleasing you. If they did not, they should be banished, not allowed to appear in public.
Shame on you. Have the courage of the convictions you write about so passionately and own up, in a future post, to the juvenile and reprehensible attitudes that gave rise to this entire post, pictures and all. You, by your own hand, have given readers cause to expect more from you.
Do not take refuge, as fools and scoundrels do, in the claim that "you didn't have to look." The pictures themselves were not offensive. The context you created, which made them fodder for your degrading comments, are offensive.
If the best you can do is remove the commentary and leave only the pictures, that might be a solution, although a cowardly one.

Man up.

Thank you for reading this all the way through, if indeed you did. That alone is proof that your mind is actually as open as you claim it is.

Celeste Dauphine

Posted by: Celeste Dauphine at June 28, 2009 11:22 AM

Objections noted.

Also noted is that there is no requirement to "respect each human and his or her expressions." That's just the mushy thoughts of an addlepated utopian prating.

Also, I don't take instructions from the vapid and the offended... not even those so insecure that they must underscore their questionable critical capabilities by waving their dubious "Ph. D" and their "spiritual practice."

I've found these are the infallible signs I'm dealing with a pecksniff and a poltroon.

As for the subjects "practicing their civil liberties and artistic license" that's certainly true enough. They have the civil liberties to be fools and the artistic license to be dolts.

That doesn't mean they get an medal.

Posted by: vanderleun at June 28, 2009 12:30 PM

It looks like great fun, but I'm getting old, and I'd wind up sitting on my balls. That would take all of the fun out of it.

Posted by: Gordon at June 28, 2009 6:12 PM

So I guess Celeste would be fine with me showing MY dick to her child... or is that "expression" only cool if you're a hippie???

C'mon Celeste are you cool with that or not???

Posted by: DAve at June 29, 2009 9:19 AM

Careful. Celeste might show you hers.

Posted by: vanderleun at June 29, 2009 11:29 AM

My question: how does a guy with a foreskin ensure that he has got all the paint off his cock after?

Posted by: Bex at October 16, 2009 4:27 PM

"They have the civil liberties to be fools and the artistic license to be dolts."
as do the pc folks in bakersfield, fresno and iran (as seen in the gripes above), who would obviously be happier living in iran, far away from the "dolts".

Posted by: baggers are ignorant at May 22, 2010 4:36 PM


Posted by: at April 23, 2011 7:10 PM

I remember this post! Or rather, I can't unremember it, you sadistic bastard.

Makes one long for those silly leftists of old, about whom Lennon said "nothing happened in the sixties except that we all dressed up." Nowadays nothing happens except they all undress.

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at June 23, 2011 12:08 PM

@Celeste Dauphine

I shall now point and laugh at YOU!

(Unless you show us your tits.)

Posted by: Patvann at June 23, 2011 12:24 PM

Me no click link. Me know better - those who would bicycle nude are those for who burka made.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at June 23, 2011 12:40 PM

Do all spiritual practicing PH.Ds think, (or should I type) "feel" that smearing paint on something and peddling it down the street qualifies as civil liberties art?

Posted by: Dave J at June 23, 2011 12:54 PM

Why, just today, Mr. Vanderleun, the Atlantic listed the happiest cities in which to bike:


The People's Democratic Pagancy of Fremont isn't on that list for some reason, although Bellingham is.

Posted by: Jewel at June 23, 2011 12:56 PM

Back in the day, when Senator Edmund Muskie was running for president, the saying was "Hush you Muskie".

Posted by: Roy Lofquist at June 23, 2011 1:07 PM

It's a small consolation that, when the impending Greatest Depression hits and anarchy reigns everywhere in the land, as their Benevolent Leader Obama has decreed, these people will be too busy trying to scrape something edible out of the bottoms of garbage cans to do silly-ass stunts like this.

Posted by: Voton at June 23, 2011 1:23 PM

Celeste, there are things that one can do at ages unbelieved by many. That doesn't mean that one should do such things. Peter Paul Rubens never painted Twiggy types. Kids draw Twiggy types. Says much about models.

Posted by: at June 23, 2011 2:40 PM

Never buy a used bicycle seat from a Fremont yard sale.

Might have- uh- paint all over it...


Posted by: jwm at June 23, 2011 3:06 PM

All that paint, and no paper bags.

Posted by: Casca at June 23, 2011 5:46 PM

I'm sorry, but I just can't help imagining the guy from the "Vulva" ad sniffing one of those seats and then turning white, getting the shivering sweats, collapsing on the ground and babbling about "Patchouli taint" before he begins projectile vomiting.

Posted by: Cameron Wood at June 23, 2011 6:27 PM

I'd go with machine guns for the bulk of the crowd. You don't want to fool around with half measures when the concentration is this high. Two M60s with interlocking fields of fire at each end of the kill box ought to just about do it. Then send fire teams with SAWs to wade through whatever is left to put down any who got off with just a wound.

This is what happens when individual liberty supplants duty to tradition as the greatest good in a society.

Posted by: B Lewis at June 23, 2011 8:32 PM

@ B Lewis:
The machine gun solution is needed only when mockery, ridicule, or water balloons no longer suffice.
I don't think we're there just yet.


Posted by: jwm at June 23, 2011 9:26 PM

JWM, the idea of water balloons unleashed on all that paint...not good. Nobody needs to see what those people look like without the scant covering of primary colors.

And I'm still snickering over the "Yes, I Have No Shame Society of Seattle"

Posted by: RandomThoughts at June 23, 2011 10:32 PM

You're part of the problem, don't go and watch these jackasses, it's exactly what they want.

Posted by: mare at June 24, 2011 6:00 AM

Almost, but not quite as depressing as having Father's Day lunch with my 2 boys in Portland. While sitting in the chop house my 12 yr old said "Daddy, why does that naked woman have a giant penis tied to her privates?" As the Gay Day perverts pranced past the window of the restaurant.

I'm no prude, but some things really don't need to be displayed in public. It's no wonder this country is going to hell.

Posted by: Keith at June 24, 2011 7:05 AM

Bex: "My question: how does a guy with a foreskin ensure that he has got all the paint off his cock after?"

I suspect his boyfriend sees to that.

Posted by: Monkeyfan at June 24, 2011 9:21 AM

Was Verkaufspartys betrifft kann ich ein positives Resüme ziehen habe vor 5 Jahren angefangen und bin immer noch dabei ist für mich ein guter Nebenjob gewesen und nun mach ich es Hauptberuflich mit Erfolg.

Posted by: Meg Dejesus at October 21, 2011 2:53 AM

Schnell Geld verdienen kannst z.B auch hier sofern Du bereit bist andere Wege zu gehen als die meisten Herdentiere Mensch.

Posted by: Juan Harderman at October 28, 2011 3:45 AM
CANON EOS DIGITAL REBEL T2I Camera, DYSON DC 25 ANIMAL BALL VACUUM, GRACO TOT BLOC PACK N PLAY, Cheap HOTELS, KITCHENAID ARCHITECT SERIES SII, TOSHIBA 46 INCH TV, VITAMIX TURBO BLEND, sony cyber shot, bad credit auto loanDoes this site run on Wordpress? Posted by: sleestiab at January 6, 2012 12:17 AM

I love this. Happy faces. The origins of age restrictions come from people claiming to have Gods word. In Gods word there are no instructions for age restrictions at all. That means age restriction is a lie. God gave life. The one who is against God is for the age restriction. Age restriction is division.. The devil is for division. Division begins war. There is war against the nude form, and sex of all kinds. Call one part bad is to call of the body bad because the one part in connected to the body.
I see people beginning to value it. That valuing is bring smiles to the faces of many.

Posted by: Artiewhitefox at October 21, 2012 3:40 PM