September 26, 2003

Animal White House: How Clark Decided to Run

Our far flung correspondents have finished reviewing the set of tapes made by the Committee to ReElect the President, 2003 (aka Creep, the Return) and have supplied American Digest with the following transcript. We take no position on its credibility.

August 15, 2003 Little Rock:

Bill Clinton and Wesley Clark are knocking back a few while pouring over Clinton's collection of Oval Office Polaroids at the Clinton Library.

Clinton: this one's name was Amanda. They never even got a whiff of her. Worked in the kitchen. Man, she could put quite a froth on your latte.

Clark: C. U. T. E. ! Bill. You old hush puppy.

Hillary enters unannounced.

Clark: Urrr... Good evening, Senator.

Clinton:(Slipping polaroids out of sight quickly): What's new, pussycat?

Hillary: Election's over, Bill. G.W. is going to drop the big one. My inside source at the White House, Amanda, tells me he's going to run with Condi Rice as his VP. We're toast. It's all over.

Clinton: Over? Did you say "over"?

Nothing is over in this country until I decide it is!

Was it over when the Ken Starr suponeaned the vid caps from my Oval Office web cam? Hell no!

Hillary: Webcam?

Clark: Forget it, he's rolling.

Clinton: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...

[thinks hard]

Clinton: the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's Roll!

[runs out, alone; then returns]

Clinton: What the Great-JFK's-Ghost has happened to the Clinton/Democratic Party I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? Where's the need to feel other's pain?

"Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bill, we might tank at the ballot box." Well, just kiss my grits from now on!

Not me! I'm not gonna take this.

Dean, he's a dead man!

Kerry, dead!

Liebermann... dead.

Gore.... oh, okay, dead in 1994...

Braun... well, she's a girl....and sorta cute too...

Sharpton... victim... but I can't stand the man's hair so....--

Clark: Dead!

Hillary, Bill's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right.

We gotta take on these Republicrat bastards like the great Democrans we are.

Now we could do it with conventional candidates but that could take years and bore millions of voters senseless. No, I think we have to go all out.

I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid candidate to be put forward.

Someone that has looks of a winner and absolutely no clue on how to win.

Someone who can make sure that none of these nine clowns has a candle's chance in Hell of getting elected and queering the pitch for Hillary in 2008.

Someone so out to lunch that the press will embrace their candidacy for at least three months before waking up to find they are in the midst of another hysterical pregnancy.

Somebody impossible.... somebody like...

Hillary: You! Yes, you! General, you're just the hunky, commanding, independent guy to do it.

Clinton: Hill's right. Let's do it.

Clark: Sir, yes, sir! LET'S DO IT!!

Posted by Vanderleun at September 26, 2003 7:12 PM
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