June 9, 2014

Supply and Demand

"The Waterford Chronicle requests that persons supplying the Journal with obituaries will attend to the following scale of prices;

for a simple death two shillings and sixpence. For the death of a person deeply regretted, five shillings. For the death of a person who lived a perfect pattern of all the Christian virtues, and died regretted by the whole country, ten shillings. For the death of a person who possessed extensive literature and profound erudition, superadded to which, his whole life was remarkable for piety, humility, charity, and self-denial, one pound. For the death of a lady, whose husband is inconsolable for her loss, and who was the delight of the circle in which she moved, one pound ten shillings. For the death of a gentleman, who had only been six months married, who was an example of every conjugal and domestic virtue, and whose widow is in a state of anguish bordering on distraction, two pounds. For the death of an aristocrat, who was a pattern of meekness, a model of humility, a patron of distressed genius, a genuine philanthropist, an exemplary Christian, an extensive alms-giver, profoundly learned, unremitting to the duties of his station, kind, hospitable, and affectionate to his tenantry, and whose name will be remembered and his loss deplored to the latest posterity, five pounds. For every additional good quality, whether domestic, moral, or religious, there will be an additional charge." – Birmingham Journal, Aug. 21, 1830
[ – Futility Closet]

Posted by gerardvanderleun at June 9, 2014 7:44 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Man oh man, there's a lot more virtues than I would have thought. I always figured my virtues were worth something. As long as they don't reckon in all the shortcomings I should do alright.

My uncle Letsgo Lozko always said "a clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

Sleep well my friends.

Posted by: chasmatic at June 9, 2014 9:03 PM

So...post mortem Indulgences?

Posted by: CaptDMO at June 10, 2014 4:16 AM

Uh, no no no my dear Captain, you gots to pay upfront, with the following restrictions:

Allow five days for the charges to clear (cash talks loudest);

Paying for premium service does not guarantee premium seating at time of departure;

No hold baggage, carry-on only, precious metals such as gold will be used for pavement;

Once inside the Pearly Gates, trailer parks down by the river will have P.O. box numbers only;

Disregard what this guy says, he's a grouch: "All hope abandon, ye who enter here! - Dante Alighieri

Posted by: chasmatic at June 10, 2014 5:55 AM