November 16, 2008

The Way Cool New Pledge of No Allegiance

To: The Central Committee to Make America Nice Instead of Evil
From: Bill Ayers @ Newspeak Central
Re: The Way Cool New Pledge of No Allegiance

Dudes,Dudettes, (and Others Transitioning Between Genders or Just Diddling with Your Doughnut,)

It seems that people are still in a people's struggle about the Pledge of Allegiance and just don't know what is now cool. Well chill, because as we at Newspeak Central all say. "In Obama, all shall be cool."

As part of the "transition" Newspeak Central has reviewed the "old and in the way" Pledge of Allegiance. After six months of multicultural diversity focus groups this is the new one. We hope you give us hugs for it.

Original Bad Pledge:
"I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic for which it stands:
one Nation under God, indivisible,
With Liberty and Justice for all.

Stinky, right? Who can say that with a straight face? Nobody cool, that's for sure. (Our new version is something MTV could make a video of once Justin Timberlake records it.)

Here's our edit and our thinking:
"I "
[ Too narcissistic -- Alter to "One may or may not"]

"pledge" [ Too binding, implies a commitment to something no matter what may happen to it -- Alter to "hereby loan on a revocable basis"]

"allegiance" [Just far too antiquated a notion for today's fast time. Change to: "a smidgen of one's attention"]

"to the Flag" [ The Flag? You've got to be kidding. No symbols drenched in blood, betrayal, slavery, corporate greed, unbridled lust of global domination allowed. Let's change it to "to the rainbow of diversity"]

"of the United States of America," [ No way! We are not really citizens of the USA. We're citizens of the, dare we say it? United Cool Nations! Strike and replace with "of the United Cool Places of One World of Really Well Meaning Persons" "Nations" had to go. See below.]

"and to the Republic" [Scratch that. It was the Republican form of government that got Bush elected. The Republic is so over. We'll go for Direct Democracy where we all vote on everything, every day on the Internet! Delete and insert "and to the Ruling Elite of Technosavvy, Well-Educated, Nice People" Hey, you can't let everybody in. Most people are so uncool.]

"for which it stands:" ["Stands" is too aggressive. We need a lighter touch here. Let's say "which it may represent sometimes"]

"one Nation" [ One? Nation? Doesn't everyone agree that the Nation-state is finito? Let's get jiggy here and substitute "many different global cultures and traditions each one just as good as yours"]

"under God," [ Man, this is the Big One! This is just too much to be believed. All those billions of antiquated, superstitious, unscientific, blindly believing, stupid UNCOOL people who are cluttering up OUR planet with their foolish faith -- when they could be as smart as us and know, absolutely know, that there's nothing going on in the universe except "purposeless matter hovering in the dark!" The UNCOOL have got to be stopped and saved from their own delusion. This one is right out! Insert "under nothing but our own current ideas of what is cool as we choose to understand cool."

"indivisible," [Way too harsh, man. Insert "and able to go our own ways at any time that makes us feel good."]

"With Liberty" [We like this concept. Let's flesh it out to: "With Liberty and license and free cable TV and unlimited weekend minutes."]

"and Justice" [ An obvious typo in the original. Revert to "Just Us."

"for all." [Inadvertently truncated in the original. Extend to: "for all those that agree one hundred percent with Me."

We've taken all those items, buffed them up, pushed them together and made them sing!

Here it is, the New and Improved "Pledge of Maybe":

"One may or may not hereby loan (on a revocable basis)
a smidgen of one's attention to the Rainbow of Diversity,
and the United Cool Places of One World of Really Well Meaning Persons,
and to the Ruling Elite of Technosavvy, Well-Educated, Nice People
for which it may represent sometimes:
Many Different Global Cultures and Ethnic Traditions (each one just as good as the next),
under Nothing but our own current ideas of what is Cool
as we choose to understand Cool,
and understanding that Me and You is Free
to go our own ways at any time that makes us feel good ....
with Liberty and License and Free cable TV
and Unlimited Weekend Minutes,
and Just Us --
meaning for all those that agree one hundred percent with Me."

You gotta agree that that JUST ROCKS!!!

Stay cool and rock on,
Bill Ayers Head Scribe,
CREEPEO: Committee to Re-Elect President-Elect Obama.

Posted by Vanderleun at November 16, 2008 9:04 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I completely support the right to that pledge in a class or a school thriving inside a nation with not a single public school to impose it on the unwilling.

Posted by: james wilson at November 16, 2008 9:31 AM

Vanderleun: Have you read Roger Zelazny's Agnostic's Prayer (also know as the Possibly Proper Death Litany)?

Posted by: pst314 at November 16, 2008 7:12 PM

I have now. Thanks for the pointer.

Posted by: vanderleun at November 16, 2008 8:25 PM


The pledge of allegience is a vital party of our Nation. In it's daily repitions it comforts and reminds us from childhood where we as a Nation have come from, where as a Nation we are, and where as a Nation lays our future.

Without the pledge of allegience indellibly engrained into our minds when the catastrophes of life come at us WE THE PEOPLE can reach back into our Pledge, our flag our seal and be comforted, refreshed, strengthend and receive clarity of mind as to the importance of always keeping the FREEDOMS that made this country great protected.

Without the pledge of allegience, when a double talking Sociism wants to strike at the core of a Nation we would never know to recognize it.

Someone great once said (i cannot remeber whom) those whom don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Did you know that the ACLU thinks Americans are so stupid that NORMAN THOMAS said Quote American's will never "knowingly" accept Socialism, but under "liberalism" they will accept every fragment of the Socialist, and will one day wake up in a Socialist nation and "wonder" how it all happened. unquote.

DID YOU KNOW that the ACLU--wants to usurp the US nation SOVEREIGNTY to have the USA be governed by UN or something OTHER than the WE THE PEOPLE, OF THE PEOPLE AND BY THE PEOPLE?

See for yourselves at the site call---Coalition to fight against the ACLU --people there is even litigation stuff on this item.

DID YOU KNOW--that the REPUBLICANS have said many times to them to stuff a sock in it because the soverignty of the US is not open for negotiation, or debate or infringment because this Nation is SOVEREIGN AND governed only by WE THE PEOPLE BY THE PEOPLE AND OF THE PEOPLE.

DID YOU KNOW---that the ACLU doesn't think PARENTS are SMART enough to have a say in how their child should be educated and what they should be exposed to in SCHOOLS?

The ACLU has been going around to schools and telling kids they should NOT WANT to join the service or DEFEND their freedoms or their country etc. HOW did they get found out WE some kids have PARENTS whom belong to the COALITION TO FIGHT AGAINST THE ACLU and the kids told their parents.

DID YOU KNOW--that after this election THE COALITION TO FIGHT AGAINST THE ACLU won't be able to serve WE THE PEOPLE anymore because of lack of funding because most American's don't know that the ACLU hates, this nations freedoms and country and flag and constition and SOVERIGNTY?

DID YOU KNOW-- that now Obama with the ACLU wants to kick the REPUBLICANS OUT OF DEPT OF JUSTICE leaving this country at the mercy of the DEMOCRATS AND ACLU whom think AMERICANS ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO GOVERN THEMSELVES???

DID YOU KNOW that when Ayers and obama were working in schools together what happened to the 60,000.00? They didn't teach children how to learn, instead they tried to radicalize the children?

Let's see now, the DEMOCRATS DON'T think American's are SMART enough to GOVERN themselvs preferring to make American's servants in their own Nation to someone else.

DEMOCRATS DON'T think American's should have a VOICE in how to raise their children and how they are educated.

DEMOCRATS DON'T think Americans should have the FREEDOM to speak up for themselves thru the right to petition thru lobbying.

DEMOCRATS DON'T think Americans should have the FREEDOM to lawfully bear Arms and to defend themselves or to defend OTHERS.


Now they want FULL CONTROL of our SECURITY and JUSTICE DEPT leaving Americans vulnerable.

People, Americans need to NOT leave WASH DC alone LEGALLY AND LEGISLATIVELY until everyone of our freedoms are iron clad protected.

Feel free to cut paste and print and visit that web site because once they are closed AMERICAN's have no one to SPEAK for WE THE PEOPLE.

Posted by: SassyFrassy at November 21, 2008 8:39 PM