If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Always locate the hamster and look in the oven before you turn it on.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.
Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
And cats get even.
Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
But not all Legos.
Collecting things is good.
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
Eating string is a bad hobby.
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Fan and flour should never be heard in the same sentence.
Finger painting is good.
Finger painting walls is dangerous.
Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,they can ignite.
If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" it's too late.
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands," you don't want to know.
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth," you REALLY don't want to know.
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.
Never light fireworks inside.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Quiet does not necessarily mean everythings just fine.
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
Setting the hamster free changes the cat's mood.
Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain forever.
Super glue is forever.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
Two AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Walnuts make the blender act funny.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.
I dont know. is not an acceptable explanation or legal plea.
"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper
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Hmmm, I don't remember installing a camera at my house, but how else could you know all these things?
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