November 1, 2016

A Brief History of Republicans and Democrats -- Author Unknown


Some historians are teaching that history began some 10,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the summer.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their liberal men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals don’t like the designated hitter rule because it isn’t “fair” to have to pitch to good hitters without having a break every ninth batter.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally, anyone who works productively. Many conservatives own companies and hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production! Liberals are against corporations and free enterprise. Liberals want to distribute all wealth so that everyone is equal.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. Most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in later after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Liberals believe that it is offensive to mention “God” in public. They want to keep all poor people continually dependent on government welfare programs. Liberals oppose home ownership and the rule of law. Liberals desire to make all decisions based upon feelings rather than facts.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

-- »Via iOwnTheWorld

Posted by Vanderleun at November 1, 2016 12:11 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

My only disagreement is that Designated Hitter thing, because I believe if you are going to play baseball, you should step to the plate and swing the bat.

Posted by: stephen at November 17, 2010 1:35 PM

Do you honestly believe that conservatives have some monopoly on the truth? Or does perpetuating dumb stereotypes make you feel better about the fact that you write for a third rate magazine that doesn't even deserve the word American in its title

Posted by: Nick at November 17, 2010 2:03 PM

Liberals oppose home ownership

Except for those who can't afford to make mortgage payments, of course.

Posted by: Don Rodrigo at November 17, 2010 4:21 PM

Hey, "Nick:"

Speaking of stereoptypes, you come across as a sniveling ninny, a synonim for 'liberal.'

Posted by: Don Rodrigo at November 17, 2010 4:23 PM

Please get back to us when your testicles descend.

Posted by: Vanderleun at November 17, 2010 4:38 PM

Maybe Nick is suggesting that the editors of American Digest fire you, Vanderleun.

Posted by: Jewel at November 17, 2010 6:24 PM

Discovered it right around the same time I discovered you.

They're both big wins, in my book.

No beer on hand at the moment, but I have some beer. Here's mud in yer eye.

Posted by: Morgan K Freeberg at November 17, 2010 7:41 PM

"No beer on hand"=="No deer" I'm venison-deprived at the moment. Can't type for shit either.

I'll have to grab me another beer.

Posted by: Morgan K Freeberg at November 17, 2010 7:43 PM

Which "domestic" beer did you have in mind: the Belgian-owned one, or the South African Breweries-owned one?

Pretty sure you didn't mean Sam Adams.

Posted by: comatus at November 17, 2010 8:21 PM

Some conservatives do drink imported beer - particularly beers from Belgium or Germany with a high alcoholic content value. Conservatives are value voters, after all.

Posted by: Joe Blow at November 18, 2010 3:41 AM

Hey, Nick: Class starts in 15 minutes.

Posted by: ahem at November 18, 2010 6:57 AM

Hell, just send Nick "Four Loko" or "Joose", those 4 beers in the can with the caffeine boost. Put hair on his future balls and take it off at the same time.

Posted by: Vermont Woodchuck at November 18, 2010 8:05 AM

Now see Nick that's just the kind of sophomoric question that a Liberal would ask.... of course I honestly believe that "conservatives have some monopoly on the truth" Why would I claim membership in a political and social philosophy if I didn't believe it was the truth?
It appears to me Nick, that with that question you might be the one "perpetuating dumb stereotypes"

Posted by: K Shelton at November 18, 2010 2:08 PM

I have read that somewhere before. And while it is not the same, it reminds me of Frank J. at IMAO's take on the Alpha liberal and the Beta liberal.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at November 18, 2010 7:35 PM

Mr. Vanderleun:

I am writing that retort down.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at November 18, 2010 7:39 PM

You've got it all wrong! The first villages were created because you had to guard the beer while it fermented or you'd come back from the hunting trip and find that the liberals had drunk it all.

The first walled villages were built to keep the liberals and other party crashers out. Seriously! Remember the Bible story of Jericho? The neocons showed up with their vuvuzuelas and spoiled the whole darn party.

Posted by: Swen Swenson at November 21, 2010 4:32 PM

VeeDub said future balls. HA HA HA HAAAA

BTW, speaking of conservative elephants: Carlsberg Elephant beer, if you dare.

Nick was reaching out from his feminine side.

Posted by: ghostsniper at November 1, 2016 1:49 PM

One quibble: Liberals did not domesticate cats. Libs aren't that competent. Instead, felines, ever mindful of a good business opportunity, domesticated themselves by making themselves useful around the grain bins and keeping the grain-loving rodents under control. A mutually-beneficial relationship, if I ever saw one. We kept more grain to make more beer, and the cats got abundant food in the bargain. Free enterprise at its best.

Posted by: waltj at November 1, 2016 5:03 PM

Prog needs earlobe gauges, neck tattoo and a goatee.

Otherwise, the Millennial social archetype cliché is good to go.

"Curse the Boomers, for they breed lemmings."
-- Marcus Aurelius, Jr.

Posted by: LS at November 1, 2016 7:26 PM

My White Night's Stout that I brewed is kegged. I still have a little moose and caribou in the freezer. Conservative? You bet!

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Posted by: google at November 13, 2016 8:30 PM