December 31, 2003

Celebrity Poker Showdown: Not Ready for Hollywood Squares

Don't you know you're supposed
to wash your hands before
returning to work?

When the camera showed you the hole cards, a new Grade C Celebrity Showcase was born.

Yes, for years, the only dependable place you could go to find celebrities nobody knew were still walking around was Hollywood Squares. But, after a few nanoseconds of looking at Whoopi Goldberg in the center you were compelled to click to something more edifying such as the latest Bowie knife being offered on QVC.

The downside of this was that you lost the ability to say: "Didn't they kill him off for good on Dukes of Hazzard in the late 70s?" or "Just how many facelifts does that make for Joan Rivers and do I have to start keeping score with my toes now?"

Fear not. Now Bravo has given you a new chance at tracking celebrity obscurity with Celebrity Poker Showdown!

Yes, this offering that lets you know who the losers are just before they lose, opens up whole new vistas of Celebrities that early in their career have sunk below sonar range.

Admitedly, Celebrity Poker scored in one of their early offerings by pitting the cast of The West Wing against each other, but since The West Wing is in heavy rotation on Bravo, we assume the President

and his staff were kidnapped by the Bravo terrorists and forced to perform.

That, however, cannot be the case with such line ups as the unfortunately forthcoming group: David Cross Carrie Fisher Tom Green Mimi Rogers and Scott Stapp .

But face it, even with their hole cards showing, can a member of the Not-Much-Hair Club for Men, Princess Lea AKS Baby Abuser!, "Fingered Freddy, Mimi ("Best Actress nomination from the Independent Spirit Awards committee") Rogers, and this hunka-hunka-burnin' Creed! ever hope to compete with the Immortal Hollywood Squares?

How could the never-beens hope to compete with this week's Squares stunning lineup of established professional non-entities like Martin Mull, Joan Rivers, Scott Hamilton, Judy Tenuta, and -- wait for it -- The Smothers Brothers! ?

They can not hope to compete. Pure and simple.

Unless, unless.... unless Celebrity Poker drops the "It's All for Charity" element and forces these celebrities to play for their own money.

Yes, the real reality poker show waits to be aired: Celebrity Poker Shootout! Each faded star has to beg, borrow, or steal a $5,000 stake. The show's sponsor, Colt of course, equips each of them with a a Colt Anaconda .44 Magnum just to keep things honest. And to set new levels of "product placement."

Then they can start to shuffle, deal, and screen a show that all America would watch. Just in case there's a sore loser from time to time.

Yes, that would be a Celebrity Poker Showdown ready for prime time at last.

Posted by Vanderleun at December 31, 2003 2:45 PM
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