September 16, 2007

I Was A Craigslist Woman Seeking Men

Our Bizarro Brides -- Craigslist Personals' Ad of the Moment


In a "measured" response to this ad relentlessly seeking perfection in "Women Seeking Men" -- Your best behavior is in the beginning - 32 -- we read this takeoff on it: Your absolute perfection is only the beginning. I'll take it from there - 32.....

You might want me but you can't have me because I am unobtainable and cannot be satisfied with anything less that a perfection I can shape in my own image. Yes, I am a mirror addict, but tarry bit while I blow you away with my ineffable essence.

I'm totally busy with a socialist circle of friends, training my dog to lick my feet, working long hours to accomplish little, going to shows (art, music, poetry slams/theater, and other second rate narcissist crapola that passes for the performing arts in this second level city) and recuperating with my weekly reading/cooking shows/football games on my large screen HDTV which cost me a lot on the Mastercard but I'm paying off as I can.

So, you aren't going to just meet me accidentally because God is merciful. You might glimpse me around town and we might even chat, should you remind me of myself, but then I'll be off again before you ever get my number much less the ineffable whiff of my perfection.

And I want to meet you. I really do. Because I know that you are just what the doctor ordered. Because I haven't had it in a way that makes my eyes explode in so long that the Sahara Desert is damp compared to me. I don't need you for your money or your connections, only for your slavish adoration and your throbbing unit. You don't need me to dress you in my clothes (size 10) or mommy you with my mommyness. (but I'm more than happy to help)

On a deeper level I know you are a person who appreciates his existence and what is good and beautiful especially since you don't have me making your life a living hell. You understand I'm trying to do as much as I can with a limited amount of time on the planet and a much more limited amount of good sense, but an unlimited ego that comes only to those who are now among "the formerly cute." You don't hold it against me, but I certainly wish you would if it is wood.

Once you meet me and get to know me, you know I'm the one. You know I am the one with whom your first and last thought should be, "FLEE!" Even when my best friend who is a model is nearby, it's about us and you are into me while she just has to lie beside us, paint her toenails, and wait her turn. (Besides, she tattles and then you're toast anyway; unless I can get seconds.)

You truly like bonfires on the beach with wine and cheese or beer and small puppy dogs turning on a spit. You don't complain about the cold because, well, I'm right there and you know an ice maiden when you see one, so it could be worse. With me you should dress in layers and bring extra blankets even if we're going to Phoenix in July.

You've probably been married or engaged and know egomaniac women like me first hand. You know how much it sucks to lose people you once loved and trusted. So let me be the second, third, or even fourth. But you are an optimist and have learned some valuable lessons. Your glass is half-full and you'd better drink it down down since mine is empty and I'm still thirsty.

You want a relationship with a sane woman. I don't have to talk you into it nor, really, do I have to be it. You pick up the phone after our 8th bankrupting date to say "Hi, I know you have a busy week ahead but I'm thinking of you and can't wait to see you pick up a check for a change."

You hate excuses as much as I do so you'll get none from me if I just blow you off without blowing you off.

The reason you are quite educated is due to the insatiable foolishness of hanging out with intellectually insane women like me. This translates into great sex (you can wait a *little* while... five years or $50,000 in date expenses, whichever comes first.) as we both plumb the depths of our sexual imaginations and I plug in and introduce you to my little friend, "The Cast Iron Intruder." This will make eventual procreation much more interesting, assuming the state will reinstate my breeding license and give my back my previous kids from their foster homes. You think twins are cute and scary simultaneously. You are right and I should know because I am the evil one.

Now that the hormones have done their work, I'm an attractive woman, 5'6.5", green eyes, Nordic features-the girl-troll next door. I like imported Italian brands of shoes and bondage equipment and fleece. I ride my bicycle like an obese Lance Armstrong and drive a European automobile much like Adolph Hitler did. I love views of the dungeon and cherish mine. I'm loyal and wickedly humorous and edgy. So is my collection of Ginzu knives. I speak a few languages poorly, am well-traveled in those places in the world where you can rent small men and children, and know my way around a whine list, as you can see here. I dance like Elaine Benes in that Seinfeld episode, so beware of up tempo music. I am proficient on the tuba.

Not looking for casual-please don't reply if you are. I'm looking for a committed man. Or, if you aren't, you will be soon. Please be HWP, taller rather than shorter, 28-42, ethical, STD-free, smoke-free (controlled drinking ok -- because, hey, as you can see I'm not controlling in the slightest). Please be something that compliments the wonder that is me.

It's kind of hard to find a boyfriend when you're me. Mostly because I am formerly cute but now certifiable. But I know you are out there and moving through life just as fast as I am and twice as insane. Now that you've got my number, I'd like your number. Let's just stop the world for a moment and really see what's in front of us. Someday, you'll look back on this and run into a tree. So, send a photo (No penis shots. I've several of my own here on the shelf already.) and spend a few moments telling me about why you are the ultimate in male perfection that only needs me to make you finally, firmly, and completely perfect at last.

Peace. (I'm liberal, btw, so don't use the word "Republican" or the words "George Bush" in your reply lest I fall into a frothing fit of dementia and be unable to answer for six months when my brain returns from orbiting the moon).

[Semi-Full Disclosure: Earlier today I posted the above item under the original title, Our Bizarro Brides -- Craigslist Personals' Ad of the Moment. The original copy below makes it seem that I "discovered" the ad mocking the ad. Untrue. I wrote the ad mocking the ad.


Partly because I've been rained in on a weekend (again) and was too bored by Hillary, Obama, Rudy, George, MoveOn, and the rest of the runners in front of the dog sled to write about them. But partly because the peeved tone of the original ad (Your best behavior is in the beginning - 32) seemed to me so vain and preening it was begging to be mocked. Hence, I mocked it with Your absolute perfection is only the beginning. I'll take it from there - 32 . Indeed, I thought I mocked it pretty well. It seemed to me to be so over the top that it was obvious as satire.

Was it? Not at all. It would seem that the men who troll Craigslist's "Women Seeking Men" (I only read it for the pictures of pear-shaped and pierced people.) simply cannot read, or , reading, cannot comprehend. So far, I've received 27 emails from men (and one "young fun couple in search of adventure!!" ) offering to date me or have me visit them at a nearby hotel or park (Cheapskates!).

Some are hostile:

No wonder you have jumped on the liberal bandwagon. Brain damage is a common symptom of liberalism or should I say socialism. Maybe u could find a guy in Russia to worship the ground you walk on.

Some are self-promoting if a bit undecisive:

As far as activities go I believe that I like doing pretty much everything, which means outdoor, indoor, travel, stay at home, relaxing/slow and also fast paced high energy type workouts or activities. Thinking of food, I would have to say my favorite type of food is either Chinese or Japanese food, and then coming in a close second would be Thai or Italian food.

Some give you way too much information:

So, why pick me? Well, your post made me think you want someone smart and adaptable, and that's me. If there's no connection on an intellectual level then what's the point? The brain really is the sexiest thing a man can bring to the table, I believe. And I know I can keep up. *grin*

Some give you way, way, way too much information before lapsing into despair:

6'-1" 185lbs, 33 waist, 7.5c hz eyes, s/p hair, 45 yr old, bi male, multi cummer….. Above is the most common questions asked here as far as I can tell, I have been searching here for some time and usually get the girls or couples sending me to their web site or cam site to chat after paying for it.

Some are, ah, 'romantic:'

Oh am I getting too mushy for you? Well chew on this. I really don't care what you believe, what you're into, or what you want to do. As long as we're doing and believing in it together. And we respect that of each other. But the word not spoken? See the other Craigslist category 'Misc Encounters'. See: 'Married. looking for more'. Bite me.

But none seem to have gotten the fact that the whole thing was a put-on. If love is blind, then longing for love would seem to deaden about every sense and warning flare you can send up.

The French have a saying -- Les chiens n'obtiennent pas des plaisanteries.-- which translates to "Dogs don't get jokes." Neither, it would seem, do lonely hearts. I think I'll just print my "ad" out and file it in the back pages of my copy of "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again." ]

Posted by Vanderleun at September 16, 2007 2:56 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Why in the hell is Hillary running a personal ad?

Posted by: Mumblix Grumph at September 16, 2007 3:12 PM

Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...

Posted by: Mike Beversluis at September 16, 2007 4:26 PM

Mumblix-- That's easy-- she's hoping to attract another Norman Hsu.

Posted by: Connecticut Yankee at September 16, 2007 5:13 PM

Your dream date's got nothin' on ME!!!

Posted by: Jauhara al Baqarah at September 17, 2007 8:40 AM

Dear Jauhara,
Please not to do that again. EVER!
Thanking you from the bottom of my bleeding eyeballs.

Posted by: vanderleun at September 17, 2007 8:58 AM

Dear Jauhara,
My eyes! My eyes!
Where do I send the bill for the coffee soaked keyboard :-)

Posted by: mike at September 17, 2007 9:35 AM

That's just fucking sad. The world is so sad. Oh my.

Posted by: Eric Blair at September 17, 2007 3:13 PM


Were on the internets did you get a photo of my sister? You have offended me. I refuse to take further notice of you.


Posted by: Jephnol at September 17, 2007 3:16 PM

Jeph, I will henceforth visualize you ignoring me.

Posted by: Jauhara al Kafirah at September 17, 2007 4:21 PM

I would just like to apologize to Mike, Jephnol, and his leetle sister, and to Sr. Vanderleun for posting that horrible picture. Clearly, that wasn't me....It is my rendition of the Prophet Who Shall Not be Named..PBUH.

Posted by: Jauhara al Kafirah at September 17, 2007 6:12 PM

i'm looking for a woman who will marry me i dont care any distance she was any country
at the age of 20 to 40 yrs you are welcome to my mail i do love u my dear.

Posted by: alfred salami kenny at December 21, 2007 6:04 AM

It's Elaine Benes.

B. E. N. E. S you idiot.

Posted by: drvannostrom at July 16, 2008 2:21 PM

okay, you slut, i'm on it.

Posted by: vanderleun at July 16, 2008 3:06 PM

There ya go: "don't use the word 'Republican'" else you'll be "orbiting the moon."

Is it just too darn easy to make the leap to "moonbat?" No?

Consider the leap made.

Posted by: Denny, Alaska at July 16, 2008 3:09 PM

Seriously? They even missed the "puppy dogs turning on a spit" line?

Every time I think people can't get any dumber, they prove me wrong.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at July 16, 2008 4:47 PM

Where did you get your fake French saying, Babelfish?

Posted by: will at July 16, 2008 8:30 PM