June 20, 2007

The D.G.A.S. Election Phase

Monday brought us, as all tedious news days must, the MEGO news that Republican, Democratic Presidential Contests Strikingly Similar -- Fred Thompson surges into tie with John McCain. "Surges" to a "tie?" "Strikingly Similar?" Well, slap me silly, butter my biscuit, and wake me when its over.

There are times when I believe that the current "Long and Winding Road" tour of these Republican and Democrat plastic frogs huffing

and puffing on the video stumps of the nation is nothing more than a fiendish plot by our alien overloads to sonamublize an already half-conscious country into an electoral coma deeper and darker than a hundred midnights down in a cypress swamp. Compared to the pans and the palaver of those politicians currently on constant display across the mediascape it's hard to know what would be a more enlightening subject to replace them, a Rosie O'Donnell / Michael Moore animated porn gif, or the new reality show, Colonoscopies of the Stars.

Tuesday improved slightly on the chanted Te Deum of the news with the bob or the weave of Michael Bloomberg of Bermuda's announcement that he was no longer a Republican or a Democrat. This, coupled with his billions and his stature, put him in a perfect position to Ross Perot the coming thumb-wrestling of everybody else by biting them firmly on their kneecaps. In announcing his proto-candidacy, Bloomberg said

"We do not have to settle for the same old politics. We do not have to accept the tired debate between the left and right, between Democrats and Republicans, between Congress and the White House. We can and we must declare a cease-fire — and move America forward."

I quite liked most of that. I was rolling with him through "same old politics" and "tired debate." But then he had to emit the "move America forward" tape-loop. He just had to do it. With that, his proto-candidacy expired as it was aborning.

"Move America forward...." Why, of course, that would be the direction, wouldn't it? Can't move it back, after all. Nobody ever suggests that. Nope, there's only one direction in the Flatland of the contemporary American politician's mind -- "forward." It is as if this kind of mind exists in a two-dimensional realm; forward or back for America, ahead or behind in the polls, theme song for campaign by Celine Dion (Canadian) or Fleetwood Mac (3/5's Brit). [Rumors that John Edwards and Ron Paul are tussling over "Yankee Doodle Dandy" are probably untrue.]

In the dispirit of the times, I too would like to "move America forward" by declaring this phase of our endless election, the DGAS phase. To the endless polls, stories, minor conceptual speed bumps, the gaffs, the blunders, the rote repetition of positions, the cameos on Colbert, the profiles by whomever is profiling who, the photo-ops, the handling by the handlers, the relentless pleas for cash, and the "debates" followed by the "debates" over who "won" last night in wherever the sorry sheaf of candidates happened to be, all Americans possessed of a shred of self-respect and love for the country must rise up and shout "DGAS!"

It's the only way we can keep our sanity until the comic crew of candidates arrives in Florida next January and the people can, at long last, start to vote some of these clowns off the island.

Posted by Vanderleun at June 20, 2007 9:45 AM
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