April 29, 2014


thesunmother.jpg1. When I post under an assumed name, I can get in closer touch with my Inner Sociopath.

2. Through block-quotes and fisking I have the power to transform even the most harmless statements of my enemies into concrete evidence of their evil plans to enslave mankind and rule the world.

3. In all humility I do not seek to rule the world. I seek only complete agreement and total capitulation.

4. I assume full responsibility for my posts, especially the good ones that are just links to someone else's.

5. If, after publication, one of my posts should, through no fault of my own, appear to be irresponsible, I will be responsible enough to make it disappear, along with the Google cache of it.

6. Being more confused about the First Amendment than I am about copyright, I am free to reveal the obscene number of hours I blog at work, and the URL of my secret blog where I post the truth about my coworkers' hygiene, bodily functions, porn-surfing habits, and gender reassignment surgeries. I know my rights.

7. At either The Daily Kos or Little Green Footballs, most of what I post would be considered normal. In fact, it is.

8. I celebrate my compulsive flaws for grammar and syntax of sins, for without them I would have no writing style sowhatever.

9. My seething cranium does not need to writhe in silence while I can still troll my own comments.

10. It is regrettable that I do not know who I have to bribe to get a spot on Instapundit's blogroll. Maybe if I clicked on his Amazon links enough?

11. As I learn to accept the wheezing servers and brain-dead coding of Memeorandum, I no longer need to carry a gun to its developers' meetings.

12. I have also come to understand that it really isn't necessary to check Matt Drudge 25 times a day for new leads.

13. All my posts are beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting ones that are, frankly, made mostly of links to other people's posts.

14. I honor all facets of my blather and freely express my spew, regardless of federal, state and local laws, or common standards of civility and decency.

15. I maintain careful and detailed notes in a large database of everything my fellow bloggers have posted since 1999, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

16. False rumors are better for traffic than no rumors at all, for, lo, people will believe anything about Barack Obama.

17. I accept that I will never outgrow my compulsion to fisk Paul Krugman with a chain saw until every part of him is reduced to steaming gobbets of bloody flesh.

18. A good flamewar in the comments is nearly as good for traffic as hosting a film clip of Michelle Obama trying on bathing suits.

19. It is a far, far better thing to be able to edit comments than to make them.

20. Why should I waste my time posting about whatever political fornication festival is at the top of Memeorandum when I can spend it worrying about what tomorrow's sitemeter will show?

21. I have accepted the fact that the only thing BlogAds, Google Adsense Ads, Federated Media Ads, and the PayPal Donation button have given me are slower loading times.

22. I am learning that trolling is not nearly as effective against my enemies as showing up at their front door with grenades.

23. I have conquered my shame at having, for about 10 minutes in the early morning hours of June 14, 2006, lusted after a three-way with Arianna Huffington and Anne Coulter. And I have deleted the photoshopped images.

24. I take solace in knowing that to read the entire blogsphere is not nearly as terrifying as having to write it.

25. I sleep soundly at night knowing that the complete lack of evidence behind what I write is the surest sign that I have posted the truth.

26. Joan of Arc heard voices too, but she was wise enough to have herself set on fire before she logged on.

27. I listened attentively to my friends and family when they told me to get a life. I did and this is it.

Posted by Vanderleun at April 29, 2014 5:48 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Thinkiing about it, a three-way with Arianna Huffington and Ann Coulter would most likely have a certain spirited, wounding quality about it.

Posted by: Mike James at April 23, 2012 7:50 PM

There's no affirmation in that list for bloggers like me who bore themselves with their boring writing about their food. I struggle to make it pornographic, but there's only so much I can do with Miracle Whip and Lebanon sweet baloney.

Posted by: Jewel at April 23, 2012 8:57 PM

Aha, the truth about bloggers. And hilarious it is, too.

Posted by: Jimmy J. at April 23, 2012 9:22 PM


Pornographic... Miracle Whip... Lebanon sweet baloney! My imagination is running wild.

Posted by: Marcus Leviticus at April 23, 2012 9:47 PM

Detailed explanation in Test Cases is helpful especially when the persons writing the test case are other than the persons going to execute them.

Posted by: STC Technologies at April 23, 2012 10:34 PM

Two slices of black bread, dense and heavy spread apart and fell to the plate vibrating slightly. She delved deeply into the jar, almost spent of its miraculous white whip, tangy and yet - so sweet, furiously gleaning the remnants with a slender, soft rubber spatula, hoping there was enough lubrication to press the dark, wine-colored, sweet, smoked meat from Lebanon with both sides of the bread.

She argued within herself whether or not to dress the sandwich with cold, crisp lettuce and a ripened, viscous tomato, laden and gleaming with seeds, but finally, she decided to do her sandwich with pungent, musky, smoked Dutch Gouda. She pressed both pieces of bread to the baloney, and they held fast, as she raised the sandwich to her lips and playfully bit off just a bit more than she could chew. Most delicious, she thought, licking the tang from her upper lip, hoping her husband wouldn't awake to find her in thrall of another late night sandwich.

Posted by: Jewel at April 23, 2012 11:36 PM

What Jewel! No piccalilli giving that off color allure?

Posted by: Peccable at April 24, 2012 1:12 AM

Having an alias makes it only slightly easier to soothe that certain paranoia that sets in when you see Dept of Homeland Security in your StatCounter links.

I can see this thread will devolve into sex and food and food-as-sex and really, isn't that what the Internet was created for?

And cats.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh at April 24, 2012 4:58 AM

I used to have a nickname, but that was boringer.

Posted by: Jewel at April 24, 2012 6:39 AM

Jewel, I never had you pictured as a disgusting pervert. Miracle Whip is perfectly matched with original Lepnen, but it's an unnecessary distraction on the sweet Lebanon bologna. Ugh, how shameful. No whoopie pies for you!

Posted by: Dan D at April 24, 2012 6:39 AM

Assume the position and prepare for correction!

Posted by: vanderleun at April 24, 2012 7:31 AM

In my house whoopie pies are what we used to call sex in front of the people we created as a result of indulging in too much whoopie pie. I guess on this thread we might be talkin' some whoop ass pie.
Canned or fresh?

Posted by: Jewel at April 24, 2012 10:18 AM

And by the way, Dan, you cannot write nearly as perverse with pineapple cream cheese and Lebanon Balogna, try as you might.

Posted by: Jewel at April 24, 2012 10:19 AM

"I accept that I will never outgrow my compulsion to fisk Paul Krugman with a chain saw until every part of him is reduced to steaming gobbets of bloody flesh." Sorry, it's like homosexuality, it's genetic.

Posted by: Moneyrunner at April 24, 2012 6:33 PM

28. Getting a gem from Vanderleun, linking it with a snarky comment, and then posting it with a link to Insty to get the hits. Oh Yeah! Hey, is that you Gerard ... no ... put the gun down ... no, please, I won't do it again .... no! Not the dog!

Posted by: Moneyrunner at April 24, 2012 6:41 PM

29. Getting sidelined by Gerard is the bees knees.

Posted by: Jewel at April 24, 2012 7:18 PM

>>lusted after a three-way with Arianna Huffington and Anne Coulter

I prefer the bustier types myself.

Posted by: sTevo at April 25, 2012 9:43 AM

Anyone who honors Affirmation 23 simply has no idea of the earning potential of a good porn paysite.

Uh, somebody told me that.

Posted by: richard mcenroe at April 25, 2012 11:58 PM