March 2, 2007

EMBRACE THE MURTHA: Part One of "Mourning in America"


Murtha: A Man, A Plan, A High Colonic

Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valour
As thou art in desire?
-- Lady Macbeth, Macbeth, 1.VII

How Nancy Can Get Her Groove Back

After their stunning electoral victories, the Democrats in Congress have hit the ground shunning. Shunning confrontation, shunning decision, shunning crisis, and shunning leadership. The "First Hundred Hours" are now stretching towards the First Hundred Days with nothing but a lot of little victories that are all that has emerged from their big promises.

I think it is past time for Speaker Pelosi to utter that famous line of Lady Macbeth, 'We fail! But screw your courage to the sticking-place, and we'll not fail.' and, although waist deep in the big muddy, press on. After all, she and the Democrats she herds have nothing to lose but votes.

And I'm here to help raise up my ancient party as it slumps into the slough of despond. To escape from this mire of their own making is quite simple. All Democrats must do to prevail is to "Embrace the Murtha."

I know that for many the phrase "Embrace the Murtha!" will have unfortunate echos of the current military phrase "Embrace the Suck", but what can the Suck possibly have to do with an aging war hero with the clear, penetrating vision of a Murtha?

Many, even among his own constituents, view Rep. Murtha as a doddering, corrupt, venal, increasingly senile old fool with less real patriotism than an Asian cockroach munching clotted kim-chee in the gutters of the Hong Kong food courts. But that is a base canard
and nothing, but nothing, can be further from the truth. Seen correctly, Murtha is a great American who, if he sees further into the future than his fellow Democrats, is only because he stands on the shoulders of dwarfs.

Murtha, as always, is far in front of the rank and file of his fellow Democratic congresspersons. This man of battle-tempered steel, this Patton of a congressperson, sees clearly what needs to be done if the Democratic plan for the future of America is to bloom in all its multifoliate glory. All the Democrats need to do to climb back on on top of their recently deserted pedestal and regain the full faith and credit of the 89 Left-Democrat bloggers they have so deeply offended, is to institute the Murtha plan immediately if not sooner.

The Murtha Plan: So Simple Even Congress Can Understand It

Enough of the messing about with this non-binding blatherfest and getting the Thomas A. Edison One Dollar Coin back on track. Let Democrats learn from their Hollywood money-pots and cut to the chase.

Next week, without further ado, Rep. John Murtha should stand and introduce a bill in Congress that will turn many a life-long Democrat's most secret dream into a glorious reality -- "The Dissolution of the Armed Forces Act of 2007." Why? Because it's time, isn't it? And because it will feel so good.

Why beat around the Bush, so to speak, when you can give your most ardent supporters what they have so unceasingly sought all of their increasingly long and increasingly prosperous lives in the United States -- the end of the Armed Forces of the United States?

For decades we have been hearing from all corners of the Democratic cubical about all the fine social programs that could be accomplished if only the Defense budget did not suck up hundreds of billions of dollars that could be put to work funding a limitless list of social programs. The secret truth of the Pure Democrats' faith is that spending even one dime on the military is the sin that stands in the way of, well, everything good and true and beautiful about this country.

To take only one small example. The upkeep for the Armed Forces is what keeps us from paying every teacher that is a card-carrying member of the American Federation of Teachers -- regardless of tenure or talent -- a base salary of $650,000 per year with major medical, dental and mental. We need to do this because, as many teachers will all tell you, "We're good enough, we're smart enough, and, doggone it, children like us! Don't do it for us, do it for the children."

Spiritually, this will be a big boon to secular Americans of all religions. The money spent on the Armed Forces also makes us mean, even feared. If we spent even a fraction of the defense budget on sending grief counselors into third world countries with a soupcon of sensitivity and a couple of ham sandwiches, the love the rest of the world has for us would quadruple overnight.

Freedom would also bloom. Eliminating the Armed Forces would free the world to follow its bliss in the Middle East, Bosnia, the Sudan, North Korea, Pakistan, and a dozen other nations on the face of the Earth whose only check on their legitimate aspirations to enslave even more millions is the fear of the odd hellfire missile from time to time. I mean, who are we to stand in the way of the legitimate desires of dictators who earned their power the old fashioned way, by killing for it? What do they have to do with us, anyway?

Erasing the American Armed Forces would also mean that France would like us again since it would have, if not the most powerful standing army left, the best-dressed. This would enable hundreds of thousands of our academic-Democratic elite to once more swap houses and spouses in Cambridge and Berkeley for houses and spouses in the South of France without feeling embarrassed.

In addition, the elimination of the United States Air Force alone would mean that aviation fuel would become markedly cheaper for as long as three weeks. Timed correctly this would mean that everyone could get to France cheap. Coming back a few months later -- once oil rose to $500 a barrel after Iran took over the Middle East oil fields -- would be problematic, but what American academic couldn't use a forced sabbatical in France? All their academics would be stuck here of course, so its an even trade.

Armed Forces out. Universal health care in.

It doesn't matter how much it costs or will cost, everybody gets free and equal medical care along with, depending on your affliction, an equal chance to wait from six months to two years for that care. It's the fair way, the Democratic way, and if you wake up needing dialysis, get in line behind everyone not a billionaire of a member of Congress. Free means fair, first and foremost. And, if you live, you won't have to pay.

Of course, there's the small problem with the millions of Americans that will, with the eradication of the US Armed Forces, be thrown out of work. But hey, every omelet has a few broken eggs associated with it. Especially the fluffy French kind.

Besides the military never really voted Democratic. These traitors to the Earth should be made to pay for their foolish dedication to "serving the country" instead of "serving the People" like a good Democrat. Still, there would probably be enough money left over from Universal Health Care and all the other programs for a "re-education" program for our previously confused soldiers, sailors, marines and pilots. This would be given to these poor souls after they had gone through the federally-mandated Pelosi/Kennedy recanting ritual, and sworn to never again defend the country against all enemies, foreign or domestic.

It is hoped that this last program would find 100% compliance among the unemployed ex-military personnel since previous civilizations' experience with an out-of-work, armed, and attack-trained military within its borders has been less than salutary. Still, with enough sensitivity training, there's no reason to doubt that the Murtha plan can't make little Democrats out of everybody.

I say "everybody" since, with the elimination of the American Armed Forces, all strife both in the world and at home would vanish overnight. This would mean that there would no longer be any need for an opposition party in America since there would be, indeed, nothing left to oppose.

Instead, as good American Democrats all, we could still have enough money left over after perfecting our nation to move on to the real challenge of our times, Saving The Planet! For, in an uncertain world, we can at last be certain of one thing. With the elimination of our Armed Forces it is only a matter of time before all Americans will do their part to reduce global warming by assuming room temperature.

What a bright world that will be. All it requires to get there is that the Democrats get with the program and follow war-hero Murtha over the top of this 21st century trench and into the bright new sunrise of one world. It's time the Democrats quit mucking about and followed their natural leader, that grizzled old Marine John Murtha, as he calls out that immortal Marine challenge, "Come on, Americans, do you want to live forever?!"

Posted by Vanderleun at March 2, 2007 9:35 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

From stunning to shunning, eh? When do you suppose they'll get to slumming? Or did I miss that step?

Posted by: Francis W. Porretto at March 3, 2007 5:04 AM

Fabulous, Gerard. Now the automatic abortions for all pregnant womyn and mandatory arranged interracial marriages for the "diversity impaired."

Nirvana is in our sights.

Posted by: askmom at March 3, 2007 9:52 AM

I've quoted you and linked to you here, with comments:

Posted by: Consul-At-Arms at March 4, 2007 4:57 PM

Perhaps we need to apply the literary significance of this work, Gerard.

You give us:

The Party, Macbeth.

Posted by: JD at March 8, 2007 7:43 PM