June 30, 2011

An Open Letter to That Democrat Deadbeat Who Keeps Hustling Me for a Handout

Yo! BO! I'm a seeing your "Dinner with Barry" spam drizzle into the Email just about every four hours for the last week. So just Fucking STOP IT! (Strong letter to follow.)

Strong letter:


Dear Obama,
Now you know we've had our differences over the years. However, in the spirit of wanting to increase the civility of our political discourse, I would like to formally underscore that just because I believe that your every act, speech, statement, and policy betrays the malicious soul of a racist lizard who is determined to send this nation into the hellfires of murder, insanity, death, and penury, that doesn't mean I wouldn't seek to put you out if your throat was on fire. Depending upon how much malt beverage I had consumed in the last hour, I would. A six pack. No problem. Anything less than that I might not be up for the task and have to call in some of your old pals from The Anvil.

Be that as it may, it has not escaped my notice, nor the notice of every living American with more than three neurons at the top of their spinal cord, that you have a high opinion of yourself. In your position, so would I. Nevertheless, I wish that you and your minions (cloven-hoofed and otherwise) would stop treating me as your personal ATM. That's what Congress is for.

In short, please stop hitting me up with your blegging letters for five bucks here and five bucks there. Especially the ones that read like a Powerball Lottery ad. Your latest plea is especially pathetic: "I'm looking forward to thanking four of you in person over dinner sometime soon. If you haven't thrown your name in the hat yet, make a donation of $5 or more before midnight tonight -- you'll be automatically entered for a chance to be one of our guests." You're "looking forward to thanking four" are you? All I need is "A fiver and a dream," do I?

With all due respect, Sir, just what is your major malfunction? Whatever did you do with all that left over booty from your last little pole-dancing auto-fornication festival around the 57 states? I mean it's not like you've had a lot of big ticket personal expense items since then. Are you replacing the bowling avenue in the basement of 1600 with your own private Uncle Scrooge money bin where you backstroke the nights away under the glitter ball with Sir Elton and Bono?

And I won't even get into the humongous billions we gave you that you just blew on some Green Jobs at about 15 gazillion smackers per job. And then there's the line of credit that's extending into so many trillions that we'll be running a water park on the fourth planet of Alpha Centauri before it's paid back.

As for your rollicking sidekick Jingles Joe Biden being an extra added attraction for this private dinner at the nation's expense in the nation's house... well, if you promise me Joe will show up trussed on a platter in the center of the table with an apple in his mouth, I just might be willing to pay real folding money for that moment. If not, you get zip, zero, nada.

Seems to me that one of your many problems is that, frankly, you're just no good with money. One of our great comedians, George Carlin, who is fortunately dead now so that we don't have to live with his embarrassing love for your skanky ass, once had something to say about God. Since you obviously have more than a little of the Messianic complex richocheting around in your skull, I'll repeat it for you:

With just a little tweak George Carlin On Religion becomes George Carlin on Obama:

He loves you. Obama loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Obama's government takes in trillions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

Sort of fits the bill, doesn't it? Not that it will cause you to stop and think for a nanosecond or to recoil from your panhandling in shame. If you had the capacity for shame you would have imploded long, long ago and not become a rolling blackout over the nation's attempts at recovery.

So please take me off the list and stop trying to reach for my wallet. To quote Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets," "Go sell crazy somewhere else. We're all stocked up here."


Posted by Vanderleun at June 30, 2011 6:44 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Nice read at four o'clock in the morning.

Posted by: pbird at July 1, 2011 4:06 AM


Just become a Sun worshiper when dawn breaks; then it will all make sense - every day thereafter, too.

Posted by: Frank P at July 1, 2011 4:37 AM

I was on their mailing list for awhile and felt smug that my witty replies were in some small way spamming them back. But...I eventually got so disgusted receiving e-mails signed by the President of the US asking me for a few bucks so he can spend another four years getting any tee time at any course he wants...I just couldn't do it any more, so I unsubscribed myself. Thanks Gerard for carrying on in a much more eloquent fashion than I was ever able.

Posted by: stephen b at July 1, 2011 7:28 AM

We are just trying to find TWF so we can WTF! I'm sure I can get Smooty & Messina to stop if you just send us a couple of shekels.

Posted by: MOTUS at July 1, 2011 9:22 AM

I was on everyone's mailing list begging for money (shit list) for awhile, until I wrote to them that I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of because the IRS owns my ass.

They stopped emailing me.

Posted by: Cilla Mitchell, Galveston Texas at July 1, 2011 12:49 PM

Thanks for these cute images. Like the pet just one the top. Edwina Brown

Posted by: Tandra Svancara at November 7, 2012 2:59 PM

Just wanted to chime in and say very nice job on your post. I for one agree with what you are saying and hope to see more of your posts in the near future.

Posted by: Go Here at November 13, 2012 11:11 PM