May 18, 2015

The Right Fool for the Right Job

"No problem. I've done this thousands of times...."

Every time I think that mankind really is "the crown of creation," something like this comes along to confirm we're just God's experiment with "the smart monkey" to see if He can generate better monologue material for "The Late Late Eternity Show with Jehovah:"

A man has been severely injured after attempting to loosen a stiff wheel-nut on his car by blasting it with a shotgun. The 66-year-old American shot the wheel from arm's length with a 12-gauge shotgun and was peppered with ricocheting buckshot and debris. According to a sheriff's office report, he was taken to Tacoma General Hospital with severe but not life threatening injuries. His legs, feet and abdomen were worst affected, but some injuries went as high as his chin.

The man had been repairing a Lincoln Continental for about two weeks at his home near Southworth in Washington state, about ten miles from Seattle. He had successfully removed all but one wheel-nut on the right rear wheel and resorted to firepower out of sheer frustration on Saturday afternoon. -- Man hurt after blasting wheel with shotgun - Telegraph

How I would have loved to have been listening in on that thought process:

"One damn nut to go.... just one..... Just fit this lug wrench over the nut, and t...w....i....s...t, and....."


"ARRRRGH! SHIT! KNUCKLE FUC.... BUT... BUT... no problem... just get this big Visegrip and lock it down.... there. Now just whack the sucker with this small sledge hammer and....."



Deep measured breathing and slowly rising rage rumblings ensue as the afflicted limps and hobbles about the shop.

"That's it. THAT'S IT! You sombitch nut! You're COMING OFF BABY! OFF! Time for the BIG GUNS!.... Guns? Yes, that's it. I'll just BLOW THIS MOTHER OFF! Get me that shotgun out of the cabinet. That's it. Load both chambers. Saves time. Won't be effing around this time. Got to get in close. Get that barrel right on the steel nut which is on the steel wheel which is on the steel axle which is on the steel car.... and.... and... oh yeah, stand at an angle so that there won't be any chance of ricochet and just s..q..e..e..z..e off a round and...."


And then a silence over which we hear a slowly rising siren and the a small voice-over saying,

"I wonder if they've got Monster Garage on the hospital's cable system...."

Posted by gerardvanderleun at May 18, 2015 4:49 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

None of this is proof that the wheel did not need to be shot.

Posted by: Casey Klahn at May 18, 2015 5:29 PM

guess they don't have torches or nut crackers out there.

In any case, buckshot won't do the trick, he should have used a slug cattywampus to the bias of the stud.

Posted by: Vermont Woodchuck at May 19, 2015 7:08 AM

That's a guy needs a good leaving alone and a bigger hammer.

Tacoma, uh? Ain't that close to Portland?

All them folks up there got the muggles, smokin' that dope.

Posted by: chasmatic at May 19, 2015 8:58 AM

An impact wrench is a lot cheaper than a doctor visit.

Posted by: Ray at May 19, 2015 9:04 AM

Given a long enough moment arm, most any nut will budge. Thanks for the laugh, Gerard.

Posted by: dhmosquito at May 19, 2015 2:55 PM

WD-40 or 12 guage? Hmmmmm!

Posted by: GoneWithTheWind at May 19, 2015 3:44 PM

have to laugh ...

Posted by: DeAnn at May 21, 2015 8:15 AM