April 23, 2010

"Save the Fuckin' Planet? I'm Getting Tired of That Shit"

Now that the annual AFFF DAY (Auto-Fornication Festival of Fools Day) has flushed itself down the sewer of time, let us study its shallow meaning as revealed by Professor George Carlin. The lecture and the notes are below. Study them carefully as there will be a test.

You got people like this around you? Country is full of them now! People walking around all day long, every minute of the day — worried about EVERYTHING! Worried about the air, worried about the water, worried about the soil. Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens; worried about radon gas; worried about asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.

Let me tell you about endangered species, all right? Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control Nature! It's arrogant meddling! It's what got us into trouble in the first place! Doesn't anybody understand that? Interfering with Nature! Over 90 percent.. over... way over 90 percent of all the species that have ever lived — EVER LIVED — on this planet are gone. Whissshht! They are extinct!

We didn't kill them all.

They just... disappeared! That's what Nature does! They disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day, and I mean regardless of our behavior. Irrespective of how we act on this planet, 25 species that were here today, will be gone tomorrow! Let them go... gracefully! Leave Nature alone! Haven't we done enough?

We're so self-important. So self-important! Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees; save the bees; save the whales; save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all, "Save the planet." WHAT? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet?

I'm getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. Tired! I'm tired of fucking Earth Day! I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what? A hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles; hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors; worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages... And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet... the planet... the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!

We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet will be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

You wanna know how the planet is doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, "How the planet's doing?" You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.

The planet will be here for a long, long — LONG — time after we're gone, and it will heal itself; it will cleanse itself, because that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover; the earth will be renewed; and, if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the Earth plus plastic! The Earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth. The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question, "Why are we here?" "Plastic! Assholes."

So! So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that it has already started already, don't you? I think, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And I am sure the planet will defend itself in the manner of a large organism, like a beehive or an ant colony, and muster a defense. I am sure the planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky, troublesome species?

"Let's see... What might... Hmm.. Viruses! Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction."

Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron." The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish; it doesn't reward; it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

Posted by Vanderleun at April 23, 2010 6:31 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Mabye why we have endangered species is because of the 'scientists' trapping them, putting them to sleep, pushing probes up their butts. I live in the suburbs and i have Hawks, Falcons, Skunks, raccoons, deer and bear traipsing thru my yard. George is right, leave the damn planet alone. I the planet can recover from all the disasters from the past, it will recover from whatever we do. The environmentalists are more concerned with relevance and jobs than saving the planet. They built the pyramids faster than the EPA cleans up superfund sites. Enough!!!!

Posted by: wildman at April 23, 2010 7:10 AM

A guy famous for his comedy delivers the most effective 7-minute rebuttal of the last 40 years of environmental claptrap.

We miss you George, good thing Penn & Teller are here to continue your good works!

Posted by: Boots at April 23, 2010 8:04 AM

Of course, the flip side to this is that in his last years Carlin was a bitter, vicious misanthrope who celebrated disasters and mass human death. And on issues other than the environment, he was a knee-jerk leftist and militant atheist who would have probably held most of AD's readership in contempt.

Posted by: Aquila at April 23, 2010 8:23 AM

And then there's the item floating around the blogosphere about Ringo Starr's jaundiced view of government:

Everything the government touches turns to crap

Toss in Ted Nugent and we've got a Holy Trinity to go with the apostles like Dennis Miller, John Voight, and others.

Posted by: Don Rodrigo at April 23, 2010 8:51 AM

It appears to me that people who can engage in critical thinking are an endangered species...

Posted by: WWWebb at April 23, 2010 8:57 AM

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed that detox after all those green weenies yesterday.

Turns out Benjamin Braddock's mentor was right all along: "Plastics my boy, Plastics"

Posted by: Dewey From Detroit at April 23, 2010 11:16 AM

If you look at a video of the movements of the earth's crust, time-lapsed, you see churning like cookie dough in an electric mixer. What used to be on the surface is now five miles under, and sea beds millions of years old now stare down at us from the tops of freeway embankments. Liberal guilt over adding a few plastic bags to the recipe is just narcissism. Gaia can, and someday no doubt will, shrug man and his puny industrial products off like an elephant dispatching a gnat.

As the t-shirts say: The earth is fine - save yourself.

Earth flows through and around challenges like water through rocks. Humans, however, can be brittle and temporary things, determined through ignorance and hubris to blight their only chance at glory.

Posted by: raincityjazz at April 23, 2010 11:53 AM

About that quiz, Gerard: their will (sic) be done. We'll all be done for.

Posted by: Jewel at April 23, 2010 12:40 PM

Really can't decide which one was funnier--the Carlin rant or the Earth Firsters going "WAAAUUUUGGHHHHH!"

Oh hell, who am I kidding. Earth Firsters. See ya. I'm going to go watch it again.

Posted by: J ziemba at April 23, 2010 4:26 PM

Thank you for posting this. I believe it has extended my life span by 3 years. (Written by an old lady)

Posted by: Gloria at April 23, 2010 5:21 PM

I'm always amused at that rant--especially when Carlin brings up the time spans involved. I always do that, whenever I get stuck in a conversation about this subject, and it always stops the enviromentalists cold.

Posted by: Eric Blair at April 25, 2010 11:41 AM

Laughed my ass off.

Posted by: mickey at April 25, 2010 9:47 PM

I was actually that particular comedy sketch to several people of Worship the Earth Day. Got some dirty looks from one or two of Gaia's more misbegotten offspring, too.

Posted by: physics geek at April 26, 2010 8:39 AM

If God had a heart, he´d push the RETURN button and give the EARTH he once created a new chance.

Posted by: bitzko at April 26, 2010 9:31 AM