AMERICAN DIGEST: Oneliners Archives

Oneliners

A Quiet Prayer

Dear Lord,

Continued...

Posted by Vanderleun at Aug 20, 2004 10:40 AM | Comments (4) | QuickLink:

Typo of the Day

Proof that God did not invent the Qwerty keyboard.

Posted by Vanderleun at Apr 9, 2004 8:54 AM | QuickLink:

Springtime for Liberals

In the category of "There Is No 'Try,' There Is Only 'Do.'":

"And if I do this radio show, I'm going to try to do it drug-free," [Franken] added, taking a crack at the Florida-based talker, who recently spent time in rehab being treated for an addiction to painkillers.
--Franken Sees Liberal Radio In Spring

Posted by Vanderleun at Dec 16, 2003 10:37 AM | QuickLink:

Middle Earth Driving Directions

From here to Eternity or Mordor.

Posted by Vanderleun at Sep 16, 2003 8:35 AM | QuickLink:

Grokking the Code

Click to enlarge

From Chris Muir's brilliant Day by Day. If you are not following this strip day by day you need to ask yourself why.

Posted by Vanderleun at Aug 24, 2003 9:05 AM | QuickLink:

The Question of the Day

Would you rather hear the "Bush lied in the State of the Union Speech" routine one more time, or would you rather just try self-immolation on the couch one more time? Pass me the gasoline and stand back.

Posted by Vanderleun at Jul 18, 2003 11:24 PM | QuickLink:

Pretty Cheesy: Bad Fiction Award Goes to Alabama Wife, Mother and Dragon Owner

The dark and stormy Bulwer-Lytton 2003 Results are out and are already being wheyed by those who clabber together sentences for fun and profit. The winning entry is a delicate little morsel that blends passion and fromage in equal proportions:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilarfrom the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.

The great American responsible for that immortal chunk of literary limburger is Ms. Mariann Simms. Ms. Simms is a citizen of many gifts according to the press release which describes her as:

The wife of an Air Force retiree, the mother of an eight-year-old daughter and a fifteen-year-old herpetologist son, and the doting owner of an Australian Bearded Dragon, Mariann Simms of Wetumpka, Alabama, is the winner of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

When not stroking the beard of her Pogona vitticeps, she gardens, cooks, and runs an online interactive humor site, HumorMeOnline.com. Like Tony Soprano, a native of New Jersey, she has lived in Alabama since her husband was stationed there thirteen years ago.

Besides becoming a household name, she will receive the contest's traditional prize, a pittance.

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory if not the reputation of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), who has just enjoyed his bicentennial. The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for The Last Days of Pompeii (1834) and the phrase, "the pen is mightier than the sword," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Posted by Vanderleun at Jul 18, 2003 3:01 PM | QuickLink:

Hi-tech Help for Johnny Depps' Pirates

Dug up out of the bit pile at Defective Yeti
with a map found at Dean's World

[Click pix for larger image]

Posted by Vanderleun at Jul 13, 2003 12:11 PM | Comments (2) | QuickLink: