August 8, 2008

Prediction: The Duke and Duchess of Edwards

Beverly Hillbilly American Royalty in the Making
"I did not make baby with that woman."

Flashback to 1936:

"On 13 November, the King Edward's private secretary, Alec Hardinge, wrote to the King warning him that: "The silence in the British Press on the subject of Your Majesty's friendship with Mrs. Simpson is not going to be maintained... Judging by the letters from British subjects living in foreign countries where the Press has been outspoken, the effect will be calamitous. -- Edward VIII abdication crisis
That pesky press... straining at the bit under the pressures of non-restrained press outlets from "foreign countries" [read non-MSM media these days]...In the end that pesky press just had to get in the loop and spoil a perfectly good clandestine affair.

Flash forward to one of the crown-princes of the Democrats today, wannabe-King John Edwards, and his love-child problem stemming from a few light-hearted fornication festivals back in the stone ages of 2006. Of course, even though he has been caught hanging out with the objection of his past affections in the past few weeks, he states that 1) it ended years ago, 2) he did not love her anyway, and 3) does not now love her. As for the baby, well, that's someone else's child who got to the woman before/during/after he did. That person happens to be a campaign aide to Edwards so, if true, you've got to wonder what sort of pass along was going on in the Two Americas tent.

And then you come down to the "other woman" who -- if her web page is any indication -- is a either a deeply deluded blonde with hair growing into her brain, or a woman -- like many women of her ilk -- who knows what she wants and is going to get it no matter what. A baby out of wedlock is the ultimate hook.

And that's the story as of today. But in so many ways it will not stay the story as the coming weeks and years unroll.

Here's how this seedy little Democrat soap opera is going to play out long term. It's going to be a remake of The Duke and Duchess of Windsor as performed by the Clampetts.

Mother of love child hunkers down and, sooner or later, the tsunami of scandal washes over and recedes. She goes on being mom and, in one way or another, money keeps appearing in her account.

Since Elizabeth Edwards' cancer is terminal, John stays loyally and celibately by her side until the end, being seen to support her through her final days.

Showy funeral with a lot of commentary and a good deal of praise for Edwards behavior at the end.

Then a decent or indecent period of mourning (depending on your own internal clock about these matters) and Edwards and Mom of Love Child marry in a quiet, secret, paparazzi free ceremony somewhere on a billionaire's private island. Love Child Mom gets multi-millionaire husband (Her fantasy plan all along come true at last.), love child is made legitimate and an heir, and the new Edwards family lives happily ever after as the Duke and the Duchess of North Carolina.

On their first anniversary they announce "The Elizabeth Edwards Memorial Foundation" to benefit poor children everywhere. They announce this during a dinner to honor Al Gore in Davos.

Then they fly their Lear Jet to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun.

Greetings Punditeers! Take it from the top at American Digest.

Posted by Vanderleun at August 8, 2008 3:26 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

In a year or so, when she's prematurely grey
And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk,
She'll come home and lo! He'll have upped and run away
With a social-climbing heiress from New York.

Posted by: Grumpy Old Man at August 8, 2008 8:02 PM

Ouch! That's gonna leave a red mark! Right, Breck Girl?

Posted by: newton at August 8, 2008 10:58 PM

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect

Posted by: Mikey NTH at August 10, 2008 11:00 AM

Edwards is a pos of course.

YOU are worse however. What a sewer your mind must be.

Posted by: Jow Lun at August 19, 2008 8:36 PM

Now, now, Jow. Please to engage the keyboard with more passion!

Posted by: vanderleun at August 19, 2008 8:45 PM
love child is made legitimate

I don't think so, unless the literal definition of "bastard" has mutated over the years.

Posted by: Mark A. Flacy at August 19, 2008 9:26 PM

He probably thinks this post is about him.

Posted by: Weisenheimer Brainstorm at August 19, 2008 9:33 PM

Poor old Johnny!
How simply frightful!
How humiliating!
How delightful!

Posted by: archangel at August 19, 2008 10:05 PM

"Edwards is a pos of course. YOU are worse however. What a sewer your mind must be."

Excuse me? For merely plotting what is the likely arc of L'affaire d'Edwards? The prediction certainly doesn't come out of thin air: the suggested scenario is based on a fair assessment of Edwards' actions in the past six months. Anyone who with a dispassionate and unbiased mind has observed and listened to Edwards would almost certainly come to the conclusion that Edwards will act with that same degree of dishonesty, deceit, cynicism and manipulation which he has heretofore exhibited in this matter.

Exactly what is there in Edwards' behavior in this matter so far which fairly suggests he is likely to act in a way substantially different in the near future?

Posted by: jum1801 at August 19, 2008 10:11 PM

John stays loyally and celibately by her side until the end,...

Fat chance.

Posted by: Locomotive Breath at August 20, 2008 3:51 AM

I beg your pardon. The Clampetts were from Arkansas, not North Carolina. And Duke Edward can get stuffed.

Posted by: Tarheel at August 20, 2008 4:23 AM

...and the baby grows up a spitting image of Henry Waxman, which sorely vexes and perturbs the corn flakes munching paterfamilias as, squinting in the dappling morning sunlight in the crystal chandelier over the breakfast table, he regards the child finishing her grits and preparing to skip out the door to the "earth day" lavishly bumper-stickered Hummer Limo rumbling in the Neo Greco circular driveway, Mr. Jeeves' inscrutably sarcastic face behind the wheel, waiting to drive the child to the moss-draped sylvan campus of the To Americas Acadamy for Young Ladeis, where today she will be doing a reading from her $600 American history tome, "Injustice In The 2 Americas; But Not In Both, Only In The One".

Posted by: buddy larsen at August 20, 2008 5:14 AM

Since everyone's doing poetry, I'm gonna pimp my limerick:

There was a gal named Lisa Druck,
Who said, "Poverty sure does suck,
"I recommend highly
"Living the life of Rielle*,
"And John says I'm a helluva f...riend."

* - Note that this would not rhyme if her name was pronounced "ree-ell," as most people pronounced it when the scandal broke. However, her mouthpiece told the press that the preferred pronunciation is "riley." Her buddy Pigeon O'Brien has said the opposite, however. Who knows any more?

Posted by: Clyde at August 20, 2008 5:25 AM

I expect Edwards will be indicted by the Feds sometime in the next couple of years.

He'll be convicted of campaign finance fraud and spend a year or two in jail.

By the time he gets out, Liz will be dead and gone and his bastard's mother will have decided the cash is all she really needs.

She'll write a book, and he'll end up on Oprah, just before getting his own reality TV show.

Posted by: Patrick Carroll at August 20, 2008 6:02 AM

"...and the baby grows up a spitting image of Henry Waxman,"

That's the most horrifying image of the year.

Posted by: vanderleun at August 20, 2008 7:14 AM

Btw, as a point of historical fact, Edwards didn't really abdicate over a woman. that was the cover story. The real problem was he was collaborating with Hitler and the brits found out.

Which does nothing to hurt your theory. Except I doubt Edwards has any feeling for her whatsoever. Remember Edwards will never let anything come between him and his first love: himself.

Posted by: A.W. at August 20, 2008 7:25 AM

Thou hast committed fornication, but it was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.

Posted by: Fat Man at August 20, 2008 10:26 AM

Rielle shouldnt hold her breath waitng for Elizabeth to die, thinking John will marry her. It will never happen. She is too much of a skank. Good enough for a little bit on the side, but as a respectable wife? No Way!

Posted by: Debbie at August 20, 2008 11:31 AM

You are unfair to the Clampetts. They have more class than this.

Posted by: at August 20, 2008 12:48 PM