February 22, 2008

How to Make Beautiful Beads From Recycled New York Times

[With apologies to: How to Make Beautiful Beads From Recycled Newspaper @ A Storybook Life]

bullshit16e09bfbz0.jpg beadsin.jpg
From disgusting to beautiful in 14 easy steps

I love finding ways to turn everyday crap, which began as garbage, into beautiful items that everyone can enjoy!

So... when I came across a gal who was making beautiful beads from that steaming heap of daily manure on newsprint, I had to share the idea with you!

Step #1 - Gather the free copies of the New York Times littering your lawn that the subscription department is giving away in sheer desperation.
Step #2 - Rip the paper into small pieces or run through a leftover Saddam Hussain industrial shredder from Iraq. (Be sure to wash out the human remains first.)
Step #3 - Put the pieces of newspaper in a very large stock pot. Add the NY Times editorial board if there's room.
Step #4 - Pour enough boiling blood over the paper to cover.
Step #5 - Allow to sit for an hour or so.
Step #6 - Stir the paper to help break it down a bit and cause the embedded bits of bullshit to rise to the top. Strain off bullshit with a backhoe.
Step #7 - Drain as many liquified lies out of the paper as humanly possible. Don't worry if you can't get them all. Nobody can.
Step #8 - Add enough glue to the paper to help it hold together in a ball shape (any glue that is clear when dry - such as Elmer's, PVA, or Keith Olbermann when rendered into liquid form.)
Step #9 - Roll the paper into tiny round balls. Be sure to squeeze out as much bullshit as you can while rolling.
Step #10 - Let them dry for a few days - rolling them every several hours - until they are completely dry and have no detectable stench.
Step #11 - Sand each bead down with a bit of sandpaper to remove rough edges and protruding lies.
Step #12 - Drill a hole in each bead that is big enough for the material that you want to string them up with.
Step #13 - Paint them with left over craft paint.
Step #14 - Give them a coat of varnish.

Think of all of the different variations that you could make with this technique! The colors & stringing material possibilities are endless! I think some pretty pink beads strung on black velvet ribbon will be my first pamering self indulgence.

And... don't stop at just making beads!

How about...
- Little hearts for a Valentine's Day banner, or to grace the front of your handcrafted cards
- Tiny beads to make earrings
- Little snowmen with a coat of cream paint - drenched in chunky glass glitter
- A nice chunky key chain made from beads & ribbon
- Snowballs strung on a ripped piece of homespun fabric - to make a snowball tree garland

Well, I think you will agree when I say that these little bits of recycled New York Times are some of the most beautiful bits I've ever seen!

What would be some of your ideal uses?

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Posted by Vanderleun at February 22, 2008 2:41 PM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I suppose it would be a little too rough for toilet paper. I think it might be the main ingredient in those giant paper-mache puppets the protesters like to lug around, though.

Posted by: Julie at February 22, 2008 3:57 PM

It makes great paper logs for those living in the North and insulation for the chicken house.

Posted by: Ted at February 22, 2008 4:16 PM

Well, there is a brand of cat litter called Yesterday's News (ferret litter and rabbit litter, too) made from recycled newspapers. The manufacturer claims that the stuff has "superior absorbency . . . utiliz[ing] recycled newspaper to create safe, odor controlling pellets your cat will readily accept."


I must confess that the thought of using the NYT to control odor rather than generate same is poetic justice of a sort.

Posted by: Connecticut Yankee at February 22, 2008 8:47 PM

Insulating chicken coops or swatting cockroaches with the New York Times is fine, but sensitive creatures such as pigs should never be given the New York Times as bedding.

C.O.D. packages of New York Times editorial pages are always in good taste delivered to Democratic Party candidates, preferably in grocery carton sized boxes.

Persons wishing to improve their grammar and vocabulary can use the New York Times to construct a scrapbook of examples useful for negative reinforcement. Others wishing to become pompous, dreary, smug, self-righteous speakers can repeat New York Times opinion pieces in front of a mirror.

Anyone possessed of simple decency or human kindness can rid themselves of these impediments to fame and power by persistant lusting after anything advertised on a full page of the New York Times.

Persons whose parents tragically taught them self-reliance, humility, Christian morals, perseverance and loyalty can update their codes simply by sleeping with the New York Times under their pillow.

Posted by: askmom at February 22, 2008 8:48 PM
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