February 18, 2006

Things to do in Seattle when you're bored

IT'S BONE-NUMBINGLY COLD AS YOU STROLL INTO the local Cuban espresso bar and note that the evening's entertainment is by a nordic looking "Seattle Songwriter with German-Brazilian Roots."

Remark to the owner who is clearly well past 30, "Does that mean he's one of The Boys from Brazil ?"

Blank stare.

Whip out your pen, take a flyer and sketch a small bar mustache on the lip of the man in the photo. Even though his head is shaved, the resemblance is striking. "There."

Hostile stare and much clattering of cups ensues.

Watch carefully to make sure that nothing foreign makes in into your cappuccino.

Saunter from there down to the Queen Anne independent book store with a sprawling table display of the collected works of Noam Chomsky and several shelves of books best thought of as the "Bush Lies," "Bush Lies Again," "Son of Bush Lies," "George Bush Is a Dum and Dummer Fascist Pig," and "Bush Should Just Shut Up and Die Right Now or I'm Going to Hold My Breath and Stamp My Foot" collection.

Study these offerings for a bit and then glance about and ask the woman at the register, "Do you have any copies of the new best-seller, 'Women Who Make the World Worse?' "

Long pause and face setting into stone. "I'll look." Much tapping of keys ensues. "No."

"Can you order it?"


"How about any books by Anne Coulter?"

"You're new to Seattle, aren't you?"

Time for a haircut so you amble down to the new, improved Counterbalance Barber Shop where Christine, a pretty, slim and vibrant soul with two lazy dogs rules her realm.

An older man is in the chair. You fall into a very neutral conversation concerning the absence of compelling candidates in either party and how uncivil our politics has become.

Agreement all around.

You remark that the Democrats have to get beyond "Bush Derangement Syndrome" and offer up some policies that make people feel better rather than angry. Again much agreement all around.

Fifteen seconds later, the man in the chair offers up the insight that George Bush is an utter idiot. You observe that utter idiots seldom beat all opponents in state and national elections time after time and that, in the first place, the Constitution does not specify an IQ level in order to become President.

"You obviously don't know about the secret brain trust from Texas and Halliburton that has been manipulating elections and stealing them for George Bush, do you?" he asks.

You admit that you have missed that, and could never quite make out the men on the Grassy Knoll in Dallas either.

Christine suggests we discuss why you should never let a barber younger than 55 near you with a straight razor and fingers her leather strop. She's much younger than 55. Agreement all around.

Haircut done you walk down the hill towards home and, in passing, note that the marble fountain across the street has sheathed itself in gleaming shards of ice that scintillate in the clear late afternoon light. It is is very beautiful but it also reminds you that it is very, very cold in Seattle. So cold that the rumors of global warming seem as distant as the moon. Mysteriously and suspiciously cold.

You decide to blame that idiot George Bush for controlling the weather yet again. "Katrina-gate," you think. "When will we learn the secret truth about the flooded knolls of Katrina-gate?"

Posted by Vanderleun at February 18, 2006 8:03 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

You know, when you announced your move to Seattle, my first response was 'WTF, over?'

Posted by: ed in texas at February 18, 2006 9:18 AM

Christine suggests we discuss why you should never let a barber younger than 55 near you with a straight razor and fingers her leather strop.

At my last haircut my barber told me that barbers weren't allowed to shave anyone with a straight razor anymore I guess because of AIDS. Can you think of the last time when a barber used a straight razer to shave around your ears?

linton February 18, 2005

Posted by: linton at February 18, 2006 9:23 AM

My last straight razor shave was about ten years ago in a picturesque little shop in Stelicoom, Washington.

I don't know about Seattle anymore. The fun just seems to have been sucked out by the Perpetually Pissed Progressives.

The town feels like a powder keg about to explode at the slightest spark.

I think the P3's know deep down that they are on the losing side of history, but are sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming LA LA LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU!

To overcompensate they are commiting absolutely insane acts of Leftism like the recent Brouha over Pappy Boyington at the University of Washington.

Student senator Jill Edwards, according to minutes of the student government’s meeting last week, said she “didn’t believe a member of the Marine Corps was an example of the sort of person UW wanted to produce.”

“Ashley Miller, another senator, argued “many monuments at UW already commemorate rich white men."

I actually feel kind of sorry for them.

Posted by: Mumblix Grumph at February 18, 2006 10:42 AM

"I think the P3's know deep down that they are on the losing side of history, but are sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming LA LA LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

You're incorrect. "Progressives" now seem to control the majority of the world's democratic governments as well as the majority of semi-democratic governments in Latin America.

Thus, not only are you wrong in substance, you also astound with your rigid, zealous insistence you will force your mind-numbing, "conservative" ideology on the rest of us.

All this from your 1% margin in the last eleections!

Posted by: An Independent at February 18, 2006 12:33 PM

Alas, "An Independent", I do believe he was talking about the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.....you know, that nation you haven't quite yet destroyed?

As for "progressives"......how about we just call them what they really are....collectivists (if one is inclined to be kind) or communists (if one is inclined to be blunt)?

I visited Seattle fairly frequently back in 84-85. It wasn't much fun then. I shudder to think of it being LESS fun.....

Posted by: Sergeant Mac at February 18, 2006 1:34 PM

Well, as we see from the 2000 election and the election of John F. Kennedy, it isn't (thankfully) the size of the margin that gives you the chance to take the oath of office.

Or as some sporting coach once said, "Second place is first loser."

The Founders wisely designed the "Republic" (not Democracy) with the electoral college in place to guard against the foolishness of margin calls.

One percent sounds like a little bit until you recall that we are talking about a nation of around 300 million and the largest turnout in recent memory. We have an election and the winner takes all. That's the way it works around here. The continual carping on percentage is just the sour grapes.

Don't carp. Organize.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at February 18, 2006 1:54 PM

I might also point out that a lot of true "independents" turn out not to vote for "conservative ideology," but against liberal claptrap or simply for the person they believe is the better candidate.

Say what you will about Bush, you have only to imagine a Gore or Kerry regime to know that the best candidate won.

Not that we shouldn't have better candidates, but you gotta dance with the guy what brung ya.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at February 18, 2006 1:57 PM

Gerard: You suggest organization to a person who is so brain-dead that they read - if unilluminated scanning qualifies as having read - your posts and then called YOU "rigid" and "zealous"? Miracle enough for one day that a person who finds opposition to the prevailing PC "mind-numbing" could unnumb themselves long enough to string together sentences for posting here.

I will resist the opportunity to take cheap shots at "An Independent" for their misuse of words and reading comprehension failures. Probably a victim of what passes for public education here in latteland and so to be pitied, not chastised.

Organization by persons such as this will simply result in more "King County Task Force" type activity, consuming tax money and producing nothing of even so much value as the abundant effluvia of local zoo animals.....

On the other hand organzing something somewhere focuses their narrow bandwidth into ever more vaporous dreamscapes of social utopia, and frees space at the parks, brewpubs and honest bookstores for the productive among us. Not a bad gambit on that basis, then, to exhort the wooly-headed to organize. The Wobblies could give them some pointers, they are doing SO WELL recently with the crusade to unionize Starbucks......... (snickers madly offscreen)

Posted by: AskMom at February 18, 2006 2:36 PM

I think the highways that lead into Seattle probably run both ways, as a Texas Aggie might say. Perhaps you should just "hit the road, Jack".

Just sayin'. If you don't like the folks there you could always try Tulsa or Omaha. People who just stick around and bitch are annoying.

Posted by: Pug at February 18, 2006 5:08 PM

It's a mug's game, pug. You sound like the "America, love it or leave it" crowd throwing in its hand from the Left.

There's lots of great things about Seattle and masses of great people of all political, racial, and spiritual persuasions.

I don't expect perfection since, well, too much perfection is a mistake. But neither am I blind or deaf to the foillables of human existence and the current stupidity of our politics from all parts of the spectrum.

In general, I don't think people who stick around and bitch are annoying. They're just people.

People who require lockbrained agreement remind me most of the drinking bird nodding over the glass.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at February 18, 2006 5:13 PM


Aren't you aware that Global Warming causes colder temperatures? Keep up man!

The nice thing about the Global Warming Terror is that it causes everything bad, and even better, it's Bush's fault.

Posted by: David Katz at February 18, 2006 6:10 PM