May 12, 2008

The White Chick, the Cool Clique, and the Black Dude


Kids can be so cruel. Especially those kids in the cool kids' clique. Once they decide that somebody who was cool once is cool no more, there's no limit to what they'll do to get that person out of the clique. They'll shun her, they'll rank on her, they'll make fun of her pants suits, they'll even call her the baddest bad name they can think of -- "Racist."

Hillary was a cool kid once, but now she's cool no more. What made her cool -- "She's a chick running for class President! How cool is that?!" -- has been trumped by the coolest Democrat cool of all -- "He's a black guy running for class President! Dude!" You can't get cooler than that. There is no American cool cooler than black cool, especially if it shows up in sharp suits and talks smooth with only a soupcon of ghetto speak.

Obama is now the coolest kid in the Democrat clique. The clique, as cliques will, wants Hillary to butt out and just let him be Class President. They want her out before Democrat High gets together in the Denver gym to nominate their President.

After all, when everybody who's currently playing at Democrat politics was playing at high school politics popularity was always trumping real elections, real nominations. Why actually finish the race? It will only, so the polls say, underscore the real popularity and base that Hillary's won. It will only point up the deepening flaws in the Obama run. How uncool is that?

So Hillary should just realize she's now uncool and, well, "Just fuck off girlfriend!" She needs to get out before the cool kids have to do the really bad thing -- slap her with the Racist paddle, cover her with tar and feathers and ride her out of town on a rail. They're warming up the tar. It's at the melting point now. You can see the Racism paddle being dipped in the pot. Here comes the big smear. It's gonna leave a mark.

Before the weekend, the cool kids were muttering about the big smear hoping she'd get the hint. But over the weekend, the cool kids' columnists were starting to slap on the tar in editorial after editorial around Democrat High. What was merely whispered last week has turned into the full throated wail of "Racist!" The hue and cry will only increase as the days drag on.

What last week was a Democrat "dog-pile on the chick" is about to turn into a full-bore gang-bang on the pool table. Those little interludes are never pretty. And there will be video tape.

I've got no love for Hillary, but I hate to see the once coolest of cool Democrats getting pantsed and molested in public by all the cool clique's columnist kids now that they've been told that the black guy is cooler than the white chick.

And he is cooler than the chick. He's cooler because (and this is very cool indeed, if hard to follow) -- the black guy "isn't really black," and the race "isn't really about race."

I'd thought I'd seen the very best that the Democrats could do in their ability to make a Fantasy Island out of sheer lumps of highly compressed bullshit, but this one trumps them all:

"Black isn't black and the race isn't about race -- except when it allows us to have a 'national conversation about race,' which it turns out we won't be having, since to have that conversation means we'll have to admit that the Democrat candidate is black. Which he isn't. Because we say so. Get it? Or are you just another Racist?"

You've got to admit that is some superfine gold-plated bullshit. You've got to be in awe of its sheer audacity. You've got to be gobstopped at this concept that goes far, far beyond the human mind's capacity to boggle. You've just got to step back, see the whole pile gleaming in the sun and say, "Wow, pure unadulterated Democrat drool in a solid state!"

More to the point, it's working. Amazing as it may seem, many Democrats are actually feasting on this steaming and reeking Jello pie and saying it is "lip-smacking good! Pass the catsup!"

To dredge these ideas up out of the night-soil compost heap of decrepit ideologies, and then sell it to all the Democrats, is the coolest bit of race hustling done to date by any Americans. But the cool kids' clique of the Dems has done it and, no surprise, lots of Democrats are coming back for seconds. and demanding a doggie bag to boot.

The coolest thing of all is that the black guy has served this up to the Dems by seeming not to touch it at all; by not even going into the diner that he now owns. That's because the black guy is more than just cool, he's really smart. He knows how dumb the Democrats, white and black, really are. He knows that the best way to get all the cool kids to say "the race is not about race" is for him say that "the race is about race."

Yes, he's just that cool when it comes to manipulating people who religiously believe in deeply stupid ideas. He didn't sit in those church pews listening to his pastor suck money out of the credulous for 20 years for nothing. Black Liberation Theology's got nothing on Black Empowerment Theology. Where the former raises thousands the latter rakes in millions. Can you say "ka-ching!?"

You see, the black guy has made a careful study of the cool Democrats, especially the white ones. He knows to a certainty that they will do anything and pay anything, absolutely anything, to keep anyone anywhere at any time from thinking they even think about race. Unless....

Unless the cool kids decide that they want the chick to stop running for President so the black guy can look like a full-scale, wall-to-wall winner. Then it's full-speed ahead on discovering the one thing that, less than a year ago, nobody thought they could ever discover about the chick who is the wife of the first sort-of-black president -- that deep down she's a racist. Which, as of this week, she is.

America, meet Hillary Legree: pants-suited slave owner, black baby torturer, sell-them-down-the-river racist. Who... just... won't... quit!

The revelation of Hillary's racism is probably stunning to the chick and her boyfriend Bill. After all, they rose to power by being the coolest kids in the cool kids' clique. They were hip, they were beyond liberal, they were the first to insist that liberals drop that moniker and call themselves "Progressives." Bill even played the saxophone! In shades! How cool was that?

Not, as it turns out, cool enough. Not cool enough because, deep down, even though Hillary was a chick, she was retroactively not black. That "black President" stuff was just an honorarium. And Hillary also forgot "the secret deal."

When the cool kids' clique was just starting, it was too small and too uncool to be the top clique. So, just like marriages have secret unspoken and unwritten deals, the cool kids' clique long ago made a deal with the black kids in the clique. The deal was that once a black kid in the clique became both cool and smooth it was his turn to be President of the cool kids' clique.

The white kids all thought that a cool and smooth black kid was very unlikely so that was cool with them. What they forgot about was the second part of the secret rule. A part so secret that the cool black kids didn't really ever get around to telling it to the cool white kids. There's a lot of that kind of shit that goes on in bad marriages and bad high schools.

The secret part of the secret rule that was never written down, and never even talked about, was that if a black kid came along that was indeed both cool and smooth and that black kid didn't get to be President, all the black kids in the cool kids' clique were going to get together in their own clique and beat up the cool white kids and then burn down the clique's club house with the white kids inside. And if there's one thing that all the cool white kids in the Democrat cool kids' clique are afraid of, it's the black kids in the clique.

So, just like in a lot of high schools around the country, if the cool white kids don't roll over for the cool black kids, the black kids will -- in a manner of speaking -- bust such a cap in the ass of the white kids that there won't be a cool kids' clique. There may not even be a high-school. Which would be, well, very uncool indeed. Not even the white chick wants that. Or does she?

Which brings us to the hot action to expect this week's episode of "Fast Times at Democrat High" which will be titled "Bitch Slapping the Bimbo."

The plot line this week will be to get the white chick's head on straight and attitude adjusted. The narrative will be: "Unless the white chick wants to go down in history as a certified racist, she needs to just step off." (Being branded as a racist doesn't help you if you want to continue to be a Senator from New York, does it?)

Right now all the white chick is doing is screwing up the cool kids' clique and plans for prom night. She's making the rest of the country think that, at the end of the day, this particular cool and smooth Democrat black kid might not be cool enough for class President; that he might just be a slicker version of Al Sharpton in a more expensive suit who can, if he has to, talk like JFK.

That wouldn't be cool because it might just cause the white Principal to get elected President of the whole damn high-school. This would piss off the black kids everywhere to no end. They might threaten to bust a cap in everybody's ass in cities around the country. Can't have that. And even if the black guy won, you'd have people driving their hybrids around the country with bumper stickers that said: "Extorted Not Elected." Uncool.

It's better all around, all the cool kids in the clique say, for the white chick to lie down, close her eyes, and think of Democrats. Yes, it's time to "take one for the team." Why not? She's going to get screwed either way.

Posted by Vanderleun at May 12, 2008 6:27 AM
Bookmark and Share



"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

They worship that dandy Obama like he's the second coming of Jimi Hendrix!!!

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at May 12, 2008 8:20 AM

I remember the moment my irony meter popped out of the dash back in '92 like it was just yesterday.

It was during the 60 Minutes episode CBS produced to absolve Bill of any penalty for his horn dogging...

Inveterate liar? No problem, Bill. Fuck a snake once you get it taped to a 2X4? Well, we've all had our moments of weakness. A lack of character usually found in loan sharks, United Way managers, and U.N. delegates? Hey, somebody has to care for the children, right?

I knew he'd win once I saw that.

Now we know that Obama is hopeless without a script. That he had to create his fantasy persona of 'alienated minority' out of whole cloth between trips to the arcade and weekend pot parties. That he's got more "not present" votes than "ayes" or "nays" across his career as an elected official. That the only formative influences we can see are a virulently Leftists mom with poor mate choosing skills, a Weatherman, a BLT huckster, an archetype cast of Chicago corruption enablers, and a wife who, when the mask slips, makes Naomi Campbell look like Mother Teresa.

And Hillary gets to watch that every day.

What goes around, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

I don't know if he'll win the office. But barring something I am not equipped to imagine after watching the last thirty years of politics, he's got the nomination locked.

Posted by: TmjUtah at May 12, 2008 8:26 AM

Come November, we will get the President we deserve, and the Congress that's right for our mood and attitude.

Never in our history have been such a shallow, petulant, fearful "gimme" bunch as we are today.

I'm voting for that old, tortured guy, come hell or high water.

Posted by: Roderick Reilly at May 12, 2008 9:43 AM

Jumping Jesus. Was that artuicle written for a middle-school class project? It sure reads like it, full of innuendo and real, real, REAL short on actual facts.

But, actual facts doen't make a for a good old fashioned rambling rant, does it?

Posted by: TimPundit at May 12, 2008 10:30 AM

You want facts buy a pocket Euclid. What do you think this is anyway, the back lot at Wikipedia?

Posted by: vanderleun at May 12, 2008 12:17 PM


That's the sort of riposte that causes my giggle-glands to hyperactivate .. and they've been dormant for a few months now, for one reason or another. Thanks.

As for TimPundit ... you should've picked on someone your own pea-brained size, dude, that way you may even have succeeded in offending him - always supposing he could read, which quite obviously you can't.

Posted by: Frank Pulley at May 12, 2008 2:12 PM

word, G.

Posted by: mezzrow at May 12, 2008 2:45 PM

Zinger! The white dude with the that you?

Posted by: Obi's Sister at May 12, 2008 5:15 PM

Never count the Clintons out! They are the Rasputins of American politics. Barack Obama doesn't have the democratic nomination, yet, and I suspect he'll be eliminated politically or handed the vice president slot and told to shut up and sit still. Many think that Hillary has some type of homosexual dirt on both the Obamas and is waiting for August to drop the bombshell on them.

Posted by: Alan Srout at May 12, 2008 8:30 PM

Okay, Hillary getting ravished on a pool table is NOT an image I really needed rattling around in my head, thanks.

Posted by: Rich Fader at May 12, 2008 8:33 PM

The pleasure is to serve.

Posted by: vanderleun at May 12, 2008 8:34 PM

Great writing as usual. There used to be some really cool blacks in America before about 1964. Since then they have been pretty much self-frozen in "Hate Whitey" amber. This ain't gonna get them elected to much outside the urban ghetto plantations of their democrat "Massas."

Posted by: Oracle of Delaware at May 12, 2008 8:57 PM

Right except for one thing. It won't be the black kids rioting. It will be the rich white kids, stickin' it to the man in the name of the black kid who is their pet, their passport to Kool.

Posted by: at May 13, 2008 12:15 AM

this would all be well and good if Obama were losing and Hillary were ahead mathematically. he is not, and she is not. your article is gold-plated bullshit, itself. but you know that already.

Posted by: Anita at May 13, 2008 1:06 AM

Anita, Hello!! This is exactly what Gerard is saying, and part of the reason why. Hillary is behind and lingering like a party guest who doesn't know when it's time to go home.
I for one think the high school analogy works perfectly for the Dems. Most are stuck at that level of maturity in their thinking anyway.

Posted by: waltj at May 13, 2008 5:41 AM

Anita, the only reasonable conclusion to be derived from your comment is that you did not read or comprehend the article.

Either that or your comment is gold-plated bullshit, but you know that already.

I'm hoping it is the former than that Waltj has now explained it to you.

Please let me know if you are now clearer on the concept.

Posted by: vanderleun at May 13, 2008 7:12 AM

Oh, good one , Gerald. You're right. I should have known what I was getting into when I wrote my comment. If this is only a comedy website, boy I fell right into it, didn't I? ha ha ha! My face is red!

I just assumed actual comedy websites had some sort of humor going for them was all. Not a bucnh of unfunny little recess humor. My mistake!

US Politics as High School! ha ha ha what a unique and hilarious concept no matter how ass-backwards and forced analogy is.

Posted by: TimPundit at May 13, 2008 10:41 AM

Now, now, don't get snarky or we won't pay for the night nurse any longer.

Posted by: vanderleun at May 13, 2008 11:26 AM

Too late. The night nurse quit. She mumbled something about you "can't pay her enough for this shit", as she walked out and left my wrist straps buckled.

Posted by: Timpundit at May 13, 2008 1:26 PM

Gerard, you're the funniest guy in the blogosphere! Intellectually funny. Love it. Thanks.

Posted by: Maggie45 at May 13, 2008 6:52 PM

Alan Srout.....It's not the Clintons with the homosexual dirt....that story with larry Sinclair has already been out for a while. The main stream media is just not covering it, but bet you anything the republicans will. Don't blame the Clintons...blame the media and obamaniacs who chose not to allow BO to me vetted....there is Wright, Rezco, Ayers, chicago politics, etc.

Posted by: NYSmike at May 14, 2008 2:36 PM

Hey Roderick

You're a fool for taking GOD's name in vain. Get help. Why would the "moderator" OK blasphemy, anyway?

Posted by: y at May 21, 2008 11:08 AM