April 9, 2015

The Code of the Left vs The Code of the West: Contrast and Compare

"A man's got to have a code, a creed to live by, no matter his job." -- John Wayne

Once upon a time, there was "The Code of the West." [Original here] That was long ago, far away and in another country. Now there is only, "The Code of the Left." I've compared the two here. The Code of the West is in plain text. The Code of the Left is in italics because, well, it is just so damned important!

It's time for our biannual check in on how these two dueling codes are faring in America. When last we looked the Obama Banditos were riding roughshod over the people. Now, the Banditos seem to be in retreat and at our feet pleading a new birth of populism. But since the leftist Banditio is always either at your feet or at your throat it can't last. What's next? We're open for updates, additions, and deletions.

* Don't inquire into a person's past. Take the measure of a man for what he is today.

* There are no "people," only "social policies." Don't inquire into a social policy's past or that policy's likely consequences for the future. Take the measure of a policy by how closely it maps to the Socialist Utopia that has already killed and crippled hundreds of millions of people. Dream big nightmares.

* Never steal another man's horse. A horse thief pays with his life.

* Always look to steal another man's money with a "tax." Always ask your fellow citizen to reach for his wallet. All tax thieves are rewarded with a fat government pension and fatter health plan.

* Defend yourself whenever necessary.

* Do not defend yourself or the country under any circumstances. Killers are just grown-up kids who were abused. Terrorists are just people who haven't had their issues listened to with compassion. Make sure nobody else can defend themselves. Use only diplomacy to defend your country. Armies are raised only to place sandbags around towns about to be flooded for the fifth time. When that happens use government money to enable the fools who built them to rebuild them.

* Look out for your own.

* Look out, first, last and always, for any other people numerous enough to declare themselves an oppressed group (The minimum number is 3) - except if the group is an actual family, in which case seek to disband it by any means necessary.

* Remove your guns before sitting at the dining table.

* Ban guns. Anytime, anywhere. The Second Amendment is a misprint. Erase it in the original. Burn all copies.

* Never order anything weaker than whiskey.

* Never order anything stronger than a decaf double latte made with soy milk. Yes, that drink will shrink your testicles and/or ovaries to the size of peas, but you weren't using them anyway. Make it a double.

* Don't make a threat without expecting dire consequences.

* Threaten everyone and every behavior you think does not square with an organic, green, globally-warmed new-age life-style. They will fold. There will be no consequences. There never are.

* Never pass anyone on the trail without saying "Howdy".

* Never pass anyone on the street without muttering "Bush lied."

* When approaching someone from behind, give a loud greeting before you get within shooting range.

* When approaching someone from behind, try to determine if they are a Republican-Christianist before picking their pocket and denigrating their beliefs with impunity.

* Don't wave at a man on a horse, as it might spook the horse. A nod is the proper greeting.

* Don't wave at a blind man with a seeing-eye dog as it might confuse/abuse the dog. Lead them both into a disabled parking space and leave them there with a pocket full of kibble and food stamps.

* After you pass someone on the trail, don't look back at him. It implies you don't trust him.

* After you pass anti-Christian laws, don't look back. God will turn you into a pillar of salt and there is no salt tax.... Yet.

* Riding another man's horse without his permission is nearly as bad as making love to his wife. Never even bother another man's horse.

* Riding another man's wife or significant other is not only okay, but a qualification for high office. Gay or straight, you are allowed to have anyone you want without consequences to the family since soon there won't be any. Medicines for STDs will be free and will soon consume 92% of federal research funds (7% goes to embryonic stem cell research), dedicated to finding a sex vaccine so you can get back to the level of random sex with random strangers you enjoyed in the early 1970s.

* Always fill your whiskey glass to the brim.

* Always buy and carry the really big bottle of Fuji mineral water everywhere so people can know that while you object to Big Oil making windfall profits on $3.00 a gallon gasoline, you have no problem with windfall profits on $10 a gallon bottled water.

* A Cowboy is pleasant even when out of sorts. Complaining is what quitters do, and Cowboys hate quitters.

* A Leftist is mean and bitter even when in office. Complaining and turning small complaints into laws is what Leftists at all levels do. Leftists love making new laws from old whines.

* Always be courageous. Cowards aren't tolerated in any outfit worth its salt.

* Never exhibit courage when it comes to defending your country. Cowardice is a Leftist pre-requisite for running for office on any level. Your constituents are cowards to the core and don't expect any less from you.

* A Cowboy always helps someone in need, even a stranger or an enemy.

* A Leftist only helps those in need when helping them will condemn them to being in need for all eternity. Enemies are to be helped only if they will promise to first vote for and then behead Leftists. In that way both the need to rule and the need to expunge guilt can be satisfied.

* Never try on another man's hat.

* Never try on another man's condom or use his needle - without asking permmisson which will naturally be forthcoming. Free condoms and free needles are a basic right and will replace the present Second Amendment as soon as possible. Draft text: "An unregulated and unrestrained sex and drugs and rock and roll lifestyle, being the necessary opiate of the masses, the right of the people to free condoms and free needles, shall not be infringed."

* Be hospitable to strangers. Anyone who wanders in, including an enemy, is welcome at the dinner table. The same was true for riders who joined Cowboys on the range.

* Be hospitable to those who "wander" into your country illegally. Anyone who "wanders" into the United States, including an enemy, is welcome at the welfare table. This is especially true for those who will do the voting sane Americans won't - voting for you.

* Give your enemy a fighting chance.

* Give all enemies a really good fighting chance always. Make the Armed Forces fight with both hands behind their back. Roll back all arms programs to the environmentally sensitive bow and arrow era. Marines are to be especially despised for their general Gung Ho militaristic attitude. Make up rules of engagement that ensure all wars will be fought on the cheap and without weapons that are more lethal than megaphones. In war, Love is all you need.

* Never wake another man by shaking or touching him, as he might wake suddenly and shoot you.

* But if he does, pass more laws restricting guns and apologize to him before dying.

* Real Cowboys are modest. A braggart who is "all gurgle and no guts" is not tolerated.

* Real Leftists are the first to tell you what wonderful human beings they are. A Leftist who is "all gurgle and no guts" can be easily nominated for high office. See "Edwards, John."

* A Cowboy doesn't talk much; he saves his breath for breathing.

* A Leftist does nothing but talk. Talk is mother's milk without the annoying lactation. Leftist talk is a three-foot length of numbing rebar pounded down the center of your spine. A Leftist will save his breath for Yoga class.

* No matter how weary and hungry you are after a long day in the saddle, always tend to your horse's needs before your own, and get your horse some feed before you eat.

* No matter how weary and frustrated you are after a long day of lying and pandering on the campaign trail, always tend to your political machine's needs before your own. Get your machine some more money (cash if possible) for moveon.org or Media Matters. Don't skim more than 55% of the cash for yourself. Remember that if you are elected you can feed at the public trough for life, and earn millions for blathering after you retire.

* Cuss all you want, but only around men, horses and cows.

* Cuss all you want, constantly and without restraint, especially when you hear the obscenity-triggering words, "President Bush." Be sure to teach the F-word to your children early and reward them for using it.

* Complain about the cooking and you become the cook.

* Complain about earmarks unless they are your earmarks and remember to vote for all earmarks so that others will vote for yours.

* Always drink your whiskey with your gun hand, to show your friendly intentions.

* Always sip your chai with the pinky finger crooked, to show your rainbow intentions.

* Be there for a friend when he needs you.

* Be there with a handout for a voter when you think that you can pander enough and promise enough free stuff to buy that vote. Pander early and pander often. Offer $5,000 just for being born. Be sure you put that idea forward before a group of people with a history of getting (and an undying thirst for more) handouts. Always infantalize.

* Drinking on duty is grounds for instant dismissal and blacklisting.

* Drinking and smoking dope in office is grounds for instant lionizing, a safe seat, and a free pass should you drive off a bridge on the way home and leave someone who was giving you sex at the wheel behind to drown.

* A Cowboy is loyal to his "brand," to his friends, and those he rides with.

* A Leftist is loyal to the nightmares of Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Fidel Castro - all of whom knew how to run billions of lives for the better. They may be gone but their song remains the same. Dance to it and make sure everyone else does too. Or else.

* Never shoot an unarmed or unwarned enemy. This was also known as "the rattlesnake code": always warn before you strike. However, if a man was being stalked, this could be ignored.

* Always smear a blameless or dangerous political enemy. Lying and innuendo is okay. Be the rattlesnake. Unless the man is stalking the same office you are. In that case smear early and smear often. Lie big and lie long.

* Never shoot a woman no matter what.

* Never seek to make love to a woman unless there are no other alternatives - including shrubs - or unless you are a woman.

* Consideration for others is central to the code, such as: Don't stir up dust around the chuck-wagon, don't wake up the wrong man for herd duty, etc.

* Being inconsiderate of personal God-given liberty is central to the code of the Left. There is no God, there is only the Party and the dream of a socialist utopia. Always stir up dust and regulations around the free market -- it can and does donate money to your opponents. Don't wake up those who depend on government hand-outs for everything. Promise more and keep them comatose.

* Respect the land and the environment by not smoking in hazardous fire areas, disfiguring rocks, trees, or other natural areas.

* Respect the small, endless fears of everyone in the environment by not smoking anywhere at anytime unless it is copious amounts of really righteous dope. Remember the first commandment of the Leftist: "Tobacco and Fox News bad. Dope and the New York Times good." Seek to have laws passed enabling everyone to smoke as much dope as they want. Then they will be too stoned to see through your insane plans. They will even think that more taxes on the rich means higher government revenues. Praise those who are disfiguring rocks, walls, and buildings with graffiti as "artistes." Return forests and farmland to their natural state -- especially if you can get them cheap via takings or public domain. Let the surviving population live like the sheep they are and eat grass.

* Honesty is absolute - your word is your bond, a handshake is more binding than a contract.

* Lies are your friend. Never let facts obfuscate falsehoods. Your word is only good for those your are speaking to at the time you are speaking. After you've promised something, forget about it. A handshake and a contract are simply lies waiting for laws to make them inoperative. If caught in a lie and under oath remember to always ask what the meaning of "is" is.

* Live by the Golden Rule.

* Live by the Rule of the Gold: If you run across anyone with gold, make them convert it to paper money and give 98% of that to the state or your re-election campaign. Require the other 2% to be donated to a charity of your choice for a tax deduction. Live the dream by buying your way into the government which will be, when that great getting-up morning arrives, the only thing on earth with any money or privilege.

[Note: I'm also looking to add to this list. The last time it came around we got this prescient statement in the comments:

West: "Never shoot a woman no matter what."
Left: "Unless she is the Republican Governor of Alaska. In which case, blast away. Be sure to remove her orange hunting vest afterwards so you can claim it was 'just an accident' and you mistook her for a caribou."]

Posted by Vanderleun at April 9, 2015 1:19 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

*If you need to blow a man away, be sure and use a wide stance.

*If you need to....

Oh, never mind.

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at October 3, 2007 11:31 AM


We might disagree on a few fine points here and there but I think we are without a doubt in the same lifeboat.

I am a Western man, and grateful for it.

Posted by: TmjUtah at October 3, 2007 8:45 PM

Clint Eastwood, "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

General Douglas MacArthur, "Duty, honor, country."

U.S. Marines, "Semper Fidelis."

There are many variations of the Code of the West, meaning the code of Western civilization.

Posted by: Max at October 3, 2007 9:18 PM

I wish this were a parody. Sadly, it's not. America and the West are in big trouble.

Posted by: Steve at October 4, 2007 12:56 AM

* Complain about the cooking and you become the cook.

Blather on about the 'culture of corruption'. Then, after achieving legislative control, commence giving lessons on the topic.

Posted by: chris at October 4, 2007 5:17 AM

I hate reading things of this nature.


...Multiple broken ribs suck.

Posted by: English kanigit at October 19, 2007 1:37 PM

Leftist speak is even more authentic if you imagine the words being spoken with a LISP! I'm about ready to go home for Christmas and am looking forward to being lectured by lisping leftists.


Posted by: h weiss at November 22, 2008 1:11 PM


I think you need to define "the enemy".

I define "the enemy" as someone who is a mortal threat to me and mine. If they are not then they shouldn't be called "the enemy". When it comes to "the enemy" I am guided by these excerpts from George C. Scott's speech in the movie "Patton":

"We're not just going to shoot the bastards. We're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy Hun bastards by the bushel."

"The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do."

When it comes to the enemy, I know what to do. Break bread with them? Give them a helping hand? I don't think so.

And when push comes to shove, I think you know what do too, Gerard, notwithstanding your, otherwise, quite high-minded "code".

As for killing a woman: It is possible for a woman to be "the enemy".

Posted by: Viktor Silo at November 22, 2008 4:47 PM

With a precious few exceptions, that code of the left, explains why they can't stand Sarah. Much like Thatcher, or even Elizabeth 1th; she sames them utterly with their inadequacy, inconsistency of belief.

Posted by: narciso at November 23, 2008 8:43 AM

West: "Defend yourself whenever necessary."
Left: "You are the oppressor. Self-defense is not morally justified. Lie back and think of Massachusetts."

West: "Don't make a threat without expecting dire consequences."
Left: "Threaten only those from whom you know you will not receive dire consequences. Those from whom you expect retaliation, give them a department chair and their own studies department at Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and Duke."

West: "After you pass someone on the trail, don't look back at him. It implies you don't trust him."
Left: "After you pass a young African-American male just 'hanging out' for no good reason in a dark parking lot at 11PM, don't look back at him to see if those footsteps you're hearing behind you are his. It implies you are a racist."
(True story. I heard the footsteps. I didn't look back because I didn't want to insult. And I got mugged at gunpoint.)

West: "Give your enemy a fighting chance."
Left: "One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. Close down Gitmo. Marines, on the other hand, must be restrained by cumbersome and absurd ROE. Every jarhead will therefore be required to receive express permission from CENTCOM 8,000 miles away before so much as checking ammo lest he indulge his dark proclivities for ritual slaughter upon peaceful innocent swarthy noncombatants."

West: "A Cowboy doesn't talk much; he saves his breath for breathing."
Left: "Talking is always and everywhere the sole preventative to that shooty-shooty icky stuff that vewwy vewwy bad people do."

West: "Complain about the cooking and you become the cook."
Left: "Have the media complain for you, incessantly, and you win a majority in Congress."

West: "A Cowboy is loyal to his "brand," to his friends, and those he rides with."
Left: "Unless he is a Republican Cowboy. In that case, 'disloyalty' (henceforth to be called 'whistle-blowing' or 'truth-telling') is a virtue, to be rewarded with a multi-million-dollar book deal and a round of interviews on all the important news mags and political talk shows."

West: "Never shoot an unarmed or unwarned enemy. This was also known as "the rattlesnake code": always warn before you strike. However, if a man was being stalked, this could be ignored."
Left: "Shooting is sooooo Dick Cheney. Why shoot when you can rifle ... as in, have your bureaucratic flacks rifle through the enemy's personal records and feed all the details to the media? However, if a citizen is being stalked in his own front yard by a Democratic presidential candidate trolling for votes, that citizen, should he ask an inconvenient question, is a rattlesnake and should therefore be struck without warning."

West: "Never shoot a woman no matter what."
Left: "Unless she is the Republican Governor of Alaska. In which case, blast away. Be sure to remove her orange hunting vest afterwards so you can claim it was 'just an accident' and you mistook her for a caribou."

Posted by: bogie wheel at November 23, 2008 5:26 PM

I like whiskey in my latte.

Posted by: Don Rodrigo at July 8, 2009 2:19 PM

WEST: "Children are precious. Treat them as such.”

LEFT: “Children are props or accessories. Children of Conservatives are to be ridiculed or lampooned for political gain.”

Posted by: Larry Anderson at July 8, 2009 3:54 PM

I went to college and learned the word "strawman" but I forget what it means. I'll got check.

Posted by: MIttens at July 8, 2009 4:22 PM

"...made with soy milk. Yes, that drink will shrink your testicles and/or ovaries to the size of peas, but you weren't using them anyway."

I wonder how many people know about that side effect from Soy. But then this factoid has probably been crammed down the memory hole many times.

Posted by: cond0010 at July 9, 2009 12:57 AM


"Don't talk, shoot." Eli Wallach in one of Clint Eastwood's spaghetti westerns.

"Don't shoot, talk." President Obama et al.

Posted by: 11B40 at July 9, 2009 3:58 PM

"your testicles and/or ovaries"

See, this is why I love you, G--because you slip these jokes in and because you have the former.

Posted by: baldilocks at July 10, 2009 9:04 PM

I'm glad somebody picks up on this work. The pleasure is to serve.

Posted by: vanderleun at July 10, 2009 11:28 PM


"If someone tries to kill you, you try and kill them back" - Capt Mal, Firefly

"If someone tries to kill you, ignore the festering wound"

Posted by: DaProf at July 11, 2009 7:37 AM

"A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do". Max has that saying attributed to Clint Eastwood when it should be to John Wayne.

Posted by: Mr. T. at July 11, 2009 7:38 AM

Everything was good except the charity part.

Joe Biden: Millionaire, charitable donations $3,000.

Barack Obama: Millionaire, brother lives in a hut.

Posted by: Scott at July 11, 2009 9:11 AM

@English kanigit:

...Multiple broken ribs suck.

Indeed they do, EK.

But they ain't nothin' compared to an open tib-fib fracture.

Learnt that one the hard way.

Posted by: WWWebb at February 10, 2010 5:42 PM

For Fun! This:


When men were men - and wore trousers and ties.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at February 10, 2010 7:43 PM

Max: Do not forget Semper Paratus - the official Coast Guard motto (Always Ready).

The unofficial motto came in with the Old US Life Saving Service - 'You Got To Go Out; You Don't Got To Come Back'.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at February 10, 2010 7:50 PM

A 'cowboy' is the knight-errant. The cowboy is Roland. The cowboy is Robin Hood. The cowboy is Ivanhoe. And all are the Lone Ranger.

And yes - I like Cervante's old Don - that old Don was not cribbed in by PC - he wanted to serve good, and right, and justice.

And what is wrong with that?

Posted by: Mikey NTH at February 10, 2010 8:00 PM

Always a classic. The truth is, the left's worldview is in direct opposition to America's classic one, the strengths and ideals that built the nation. And that clash of worldviews has always been there until the beginning back with a whispering serpent.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 11, 2013 8:09 AM

I'm calling out any Rand Paul supporters here to defend his version of the Code of the West. To me, he sounds like: "hide in your cellar until harm comes directly to you; never go out to meet it because that would make you seem too aggressive. When trouble does come, expound platitudes about Vietnam or Letters of Marquee or something."

Posted by: Casey Klahn at April 9, 2015 6:39 PM

If you try to shoot Sarah Palin, you'd best not miss.

Posted by: Rich Fader at April 9, 2015 10:40 PM

"After you pass someone on the trail, don't look back at him. It implies you don't trust him."

But how would they know you are looking back unless they too are looking back in which case perhaps you would be right in not trusting them.

Posted by: gonewiththewind at April 10, 2015 7:39 AM

The Boy Scouts of America: "Be Prepared"
The Left: Oh I'll wait around until some government flunky comes by to take care of me.

Southerner: "Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"
The Left: A coalition of anal retentive, paranoid, permanent PMS, sluts.

(see this: http://www.scibabe.com/foodbabeway/)

Posted by: Larry Geiger at April 10, 2015 11:09 AM

Also may be included:

Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet. Maj. Gen. James Mattis

Kill anybody you have to ... as soon as you need to.

"Any man I see out there, I'm gonna kill him. Any son of a bitch takes a shot at me, I'm not only going to kill him, I'm going to kill his wife and all his friends and burn his damn house down." (The Unforgiven)

Posted by: chasmatic at April 10, 2015 8:24 PM

John Wayne has NOTHING to do with the real code of the west. He was just a sissy actor. I knew real cowboys Gerard. Real cowboys.

Posted by: pbird at April 12, 2015 7:23 AM

One piece of cowboy advice that the Left should really learn to follow:

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Posted by: Jimmy the Saint at April 12, 2015 6:36 PM