September 25, 2008

The Barrel of GoogleRands

barrelbricksheader.jpgDear Congress:

I am writing in response to your request for additional money via the "WTF!? Re-Financing America Extortion Act of 2008." I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my overnight insolvency. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a taxpayer by trade. During the last year of the recent mortgage "accident," I was working alone on the roof of a broken-down six-storey building in West LA, laying down slate shingles and edging it with solid copper gutters, hoping to flip it to "Flip This House" at the Steal It Yourself cable francise. When I completed the paperwork to purchase this pig, I found I had some cash on hand thanks to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" section of the "No-Money-Needed Mortgage."

This money, after I converted it to seemingly solid gold GoogleRands, weighed 240 lbs. This was delivered to me on demand by a bank-insured helicopter drop onto the roof of the building I was hoping to flip. Talk about your "windfall profts!" This was money for nothing. Rather than carry the gold GoogleRands down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. To do so I had the helicopter lift me off the roof and deposit me on the ground. It was all part of their "customer servicing."

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and

loaded my gold GoogleRands into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of GoogleRands. You will note on my vital statistics appended to the full-frontal naked picture you now require from all people unfortunate enough to work in the taxpaying industry - comforted only by the knowledge that Taxpaying is the one career that will never be offshored -- that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of my still vacant building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel of my seemingly "free" gold GoogleRands that was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed stripping perceived market value from my property as it plummeted. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, the broken collarbone, and eviscerated wallet as listed in Section 3 of "The Taxpayer's Plea for Mercy" form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent thinking "A couple more marble countertops and I can still lipstick this pig enough to dump it in a down-market," not stopping in this fevered fantasy until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley of eternal insolvency, which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of "The Taxpayer Pleads for Assisted Suicide" form. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the spare change I discovered after taking the cushions off the sofa, in spite of the excruciating rectal pain I was beginning to experience now that Congress was back in session.

At approximately the same time the President informed the nation that the fundamentals of our economy were sound, the barrel of gold GoogleRands hit the ground -- and the bottom fell out of online advertising and the dollar. Now devoid of the weight of the GoogleRands, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of my building now occupied by the New York Stock Exchange, as that institution attempted to cut all costs except CEO compensation.

In the vicinity of the fourth quarter of 2008, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, severe lacerations of my legs and lower body, and the last three weeks spent suspended in an "Out of the Money Experience."

Lately my multiple media-induced concussions have given rise to the false hope that my luck has begun to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of gold GoogleRands and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked, along with my consumer confidence.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of fools' gold GoogleRands, in pain, flat-broke, unable to buy so much as a Happy Meal, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me fill with the lethal gas of Congress, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Reviewing the above, I have no doubt that as a Congress of both parities, in a full spirit of bi-partisanship and concern for the little guy in the Taxpaying Industries of America, you will agree in this one instance to allow me to pay all my taxes next year with a check post-dated to 2012.

Thank you for letting me share.

Gerard Van der Leun

HT: The Classic Barrel of Bricks

Posted by Vanderleun at September 25, 2008 5:15 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.


Absolutely coffee-spitting, and brilliant. "Two knuckles deep into the pulley of eternal insolvency" is worthy of Mark Twain, at least.

Is this a great country, or what?

Posted by: rob at September 25, 2008 3:35 PM

*clap clap clap*
Now, if only it were merely humorous...

Posted by: Julie at September 25, 2008 4:13 PM


Unfortunately you are only too right (sigh).

Posted by: rob at September 25, 2008 5:17 PM

This is great!

Posted by: captain dave at September 25, 2008 8:08 PM

man, Gerard. What's funny is we're dealing with a Google issue right now (since I'm in the webby biz) wherein google is cracking down on sites they think are 'not relevant' - basically giving you this really low rating so your ads don't show. Of course, this means that google doesn't get your money since you don't get clicks or views. Wah-wah-wah. Google + gun = hole in foot

Posted by: RiverC at September 26, 2008 6:42 AM

>>was able to hold tightly to the spare change I discovered after taking the cushions off the sofa, in spite of the excruciating rectal pain I was beginning to experience now that Congress was back in session.

This is where I woke up wifey and kiddos laughing.

This is the post you moved from 'good writer' to National Treasure.

That was Menckenesque, and I don't mean that lightly:

If H.L. Mencken was the Bard of Baltimore, I christen thee: *Soothsayer of Seattle*.

Rise, Soothsayer of Seattle and be Recognized!

Drinks are on me at Owl and Thistle next time I'm in town!

Posted by: Gray at September 27, 2008 11:57 PM