July 5, 2013

The Age of Miracles and Whoppers

tall-hamburger1.jpgIt's the little things that can really underscore a nation's greatness.


Burger King Corp. is joining the low-carbohydrate parade by offering Bunless Whopper hamburgers and, soon, salads featuring steak, chicken and shrimp.

The Bunless sandwiches, which will be available nationwide beginning Tuesday, will come in plastic salad bowls, with knife and fork.

Again, the American microcosm reveals the American macrocosm. Ponder that item for a mere moment. Meditate on the deeper truth that is revealed in the simple and mundane mantra, 'Bunless Whopper.'

And what is that truth? It is as clear as a $5 bottle of Fiji water. What the 'Bunless Whopper' tells us without question is that the United States of America has at last achieved the most ancient dream, not only of humanity, but of life itself.

Yes, America has finally arrived at the alpha and omega point of life on Earth.

Today we stand at the top of the long, hard and deadly climb from the primeval soup.

Today the free world, the first world, the Crown of Creation and Cradle of Democracy is home at last with the Bunless Whopper; each one served 'in plastic salad bowls, with knife and fork.'

We have in America, right now, what all other cultures and nations and empires have dreamed of since before the dawn of time. We have, finally, created a society that produces

Way-Too-Much-Food ™


After aeons of the nightmare of Never-Enough-Food we now awake into the brave new Bunless Whopper World. We are the kings and queens of the Global Food Court, and our national sport is double dipping at the salad bar as we supersize everything from soup to nuts.

In fact, we are now so firmly established in the way-too-much-food universe that we are about to pass through a chronosynclasticinfandibulem into the alternate universe where a kid at the cash register says, 'Would you like to downsize these fries? It will only cost you a dollar less.'

I know, I know, They will tell you that people in America go to bed hungry every night. And They will be right. They will tell you, because They live to tell you, that you must think of "the starving children of Appalachia" (urban or rural), and so you will because you always think about what They so compulsively must tell you.

But, at the same time, the same 'They' are also going to tell you that you, or others like you, or others that you may know, or may see on the street (but seldom at a bikini contest on the beach) are much too fat.

They will tell you that people, especially 'the children,' ('They' love to drag in 'the children' at every opportunity.) are getting too obese, and by God the government needs to step in and 'do something.' This 'something' will invariably be a host of new regulations written by Them and directed at large corporations to tell people more about the fact that 'way-too-much-food will make you way-too-much-fat.' A message that really hasn't been sufficiently promulgated by the nation's book, magazine, newspaper, radio, and dietary supplement companies since the year Dot.

After the new regulations 'telling people what is good for them' have zero effect at halting way-too-much-food intake, They will make their next move. They will, 'for your own good,' make some laws to limit 'way-too-much-food.'

Following rapidly on the heels of these new laws that They will make 'for your own good,' will come a raft of studies, convocations, symposiums, and finally the really big gun, the class-action law suits directed at the deepest pockets around; farms and large corporations involved in the criminal conspiracy of:

Way-Too-Much-Food ™


After all, why have

Way-Too-Much-Food ™?

when you can have crop-failure, food-distribution and retailing bankruptcies, and famine across the face of the land?

Bribed experts from academe will blather at $500 and hour plus expenses in hundreds of courtrooms to achieve these goals.

Morbidly obese victims without number will waddle in front of morbidly clueless juries without peer in an effort to suck morbidly huge settlements from the coffers of companies who have produced way-too-much-food for decades.

Judges busy digesting way-too-much-lunch will drowse on their benches for months and years at a time. Discovery motions will uncover mountain ranges of documentation going back decades that prove, PROVE, that McDonalds' executives knew the Big Mac has six grams too much secret sauce for the heart of average American who wants to hoover up ten meals a day and live to 120.

Purveyors of food for the poor and middle class will be found guilty of a conspiracy to feed people way-too-much food for way-too-little money. (The top restaurants that charge $20 a bite in Los Angles, New York, and DC will get a pass so that power lunching may continue.)

And when it is all said and done and run up to the Supreme Court, and the checks are cut, the only Americans who will then be getting far-too-fat will be the members of the Trial Lawyers Association, the tools of Expert Academe who have shilled for them,and the politician with his hand out "lookin' for a new friend."

Way-Too-Much-Food ™


will have been judged to be, in the final analysis, un-American for poor people and little children.

It's the American Way.

"Do you think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?"

Posted by Vanderleun at July 5, 2013 12:34 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I was lucky to be born in 1953, I was a fat, happy little kid, no one tried to starve me or bitch at me for being fat. Then about fifth or sixth grade I popped up to a 6', 130 pound bean pole. Had they starved me as a kid no telling what the growth spurt would have done to me.Fuck the food nannies, the history of the human race up to the industrial revolution was an ongoing battle to avoid starvation. So what if we have a few fat people, beats the hell out of starvation.

Posted by: ck at July 20, 2010 4:10 PM

I remember, as a kid (and I bet I'm not the only one), going from fridge to cupboard and back, and then complaining to Mom that there was nothing to eat because nothing in the fridge or the cupboard was exactly what I wanted at the time. But now, as an adult, I do the same damn thing in my own kitchen . . . except for complaining to Mom. I could complain to Wife, but she would just send me out shopping.

Posted by: Harry at July 20, 2010 7:16 PM

Welcome back.

A check of recent ATM activity, and other records indicates:

You have probably exceeded your recommended daily allowance of starch, sugar, salt.

Your last compulsory physical revealed the use of tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, or illegal drugs.

As of mm/day/yr Your height/weight ratio (HWR) wass out of compliance. No report of amelioration has been filed

You may be at risk for health problems. Continued neglect will result in mandatory rehab sessions.
Consult your health insurance provider for details.

Department of Health and Human Services.


Posted by: jwm at July 20, 2010 8:03 PM

Burger King has always offered a bunless Whopper. You go through the line; you order "Whopper -- hold the bun"; they wrap up the patty in the wrapper.

This was usually an order for somebody's dog (and thus included "hold the lettuce, tomato, and all that stuff on top" as well, but the low-carb craze made it more popular.

I don't think this is a lawsuit thing. I think Burger King noticed that Subway and other people were offering bunless sandwiches as "salads", and is just following up the trend. (Several years late.)

Posted by: Maureen at July 21, 2010 5:19 AM


Needing to keep to a low-carb "diet" (definitely NOT low-fat) due to blood sugar issues, I've been having my whopper without half the buns for years.

Or, as Burger King says, "have it your way".

Posted by: Fausta at July 21, 2010 7:20 AM