November 13, 2004

Proposed Contract Between the Two Americas

A rich and stunning proposal for getting along by Orthodox & Heterodox . Every clause is pure gold and worth deep reflection and consideration. Herewith a few, and only a few, choice excerpts:

We, the bold, free-spirited peoples of the Diverse Lands of Blue America, hereby contract with you, the safe, ordinary drabs of the Nearly-contiguous Lands of Red America to exist peaceably and amicably in the manner to which we've become accustomed.

We will continue to exist in heavily-impacted urban centers in areas where our explosive growth and profligate lifestyle are completely unsustainable -- deserts, swamps, mountains, frozen wastelands, coasts and islands -- and so we will be needing to pull heavily from your water and other natural resources. We will need you to have power plants, waste recycling plants and refineries in your areas, since we can't stand to look at the ugly things.

We will need to convert some of the more inhabitable areas you have into parks and bedroom communities for us, since our cities are too disgusting for any of us to consider living in them. We will come out in droves, build densely and go elsewhere to work. We won't care about these communities or put any work into their governance. You are welcome to stay if you'd like -- and if you can afford the housing costs once we're there -- but please don't alter the opinion landscape that we'd like to exist in. In other words, please either be like us or aspire to be like us ... or shut up.

.... [snip]

We will raise our children to be untethered, free spirits with no boundaries like ourselves. In other words, spoiled, bored, self-centered, angry, dispirited, whiny and uncontrollable thugs, sociopaths and cowards. We will want to shape their beautiful little minds into carbon copies of our own, in order to ensure future creativity (and socio-political continuity), but you can help us raise them if you want, as long as you don't impose any limitations on them. Heck, you can even have them in daycare and private schools. Goodness knows we can't stand the little monsters. Ha ha. We're kidding. Okay, we're not.

We love our pets. We own our children (and invoke their name to our own political ends). Don't ask why.

Because of our precious children, and because it is unconscionable to us to ever frown upon any activity of our populace -- criminal or otherwise -- we will need you to have prisons and drug rehab centers to house our miscreants. Also, it pleases us to maintain a constant supply of non-incentivizing social programs, so remember to pay your taxes promptly and vote in every new bond.

Go and read the entire agreement very carefully. You may be asked to sign.

Posted by Vanderleun at November 13, 2004 1:24 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

forget them! if they really wanted a "detente" in the "cultural wars," they would have stopped arrogantly raising their noses at the rest of us, and they would quit talking about us like we are stupid rednecks. We made it clear on Nov. 2, we don't want their enlightened, "let big government wipe your butts for you," ways

Posted by: Justin Moser at November 14, 2004 1:14 AM