"Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky..."
Libraries are levelers. Like home, when you go there they have to take you in. Libraries collect the affluent and the indigent, the young working on assignments that will make them ready for life, and the old catching up on knowledge that they've missed. From time to time I go there to see what's new in the world of books and what's old in the realm of the classics.
My library is a brick building, cool inside on hot days and warm on cold days. Its facade and interior speak to the elegance of a former age that today's public works cannot hope to emulate. Inside books line the walls and stretch back into the stacks. It's staffed with bright and helpful souls known as "librarians," and they are a special and wonderful breed. It's a bit disappointing that all of them now seem to be women, but that's the way it goes in the realm of high security jobs with good pensions and low pay. It's hard to imagine a man taking the job, especially now that the profession has devolved into a world of women.
But more than it's bricks, books and librarians, a library is made of its patrons. Because it is free and is open and warm and comforting it gets its share of people who, in the middle of the day, have no real place to go. Since it has put in a number of free machines with free internet hookups it also draws in those who have no home computer but who still maintain, through the miracle of Google gmail and online document storage, a way to connect to the wider world of the internet. They come to the library to work with their email and their writing since the expense of a computer is, temporarily or forever, beyond their means in this slow rolling depression.
In many ways, the library is a means of seeing what's going on in the lives of your fellow citizens. I've gotten into the habit of using my visits there to take a kind of core sample of what our democracy is doing at this moment. I tend to notice what others are reading and writing and checking out. It's not really that I'm nosy. I'm just interested.
Today in a nave filled with free computers there were six women, all facing the screens and all searching, or typing emails, or scanning jobs on Craigslist and sending out the 500th copy of their resumes to the scant jobs listed that they might be suited for.
All except one. She was a woman working at her screen and it was open to a page that said, "MAKE A NOTE." I saw this in a glance as I was browsing the shelves nearby that offered hardcovers and paperbacks for sale at very reduced rates. Her back was to me but she had the size of the font turned up large and was still squinting at the screen as she slowly typed her note into the frame provided.
My glance lingered and a phrase caught my eye. It was rude to look longer but I was curious and I foolishly indulged myself in a brief moment of reading over her shoulder.
I wish I hadn't.
What she had written began, "It has been two weeks since I lost my precious baby boy. The pain that I feel is unbearable. I never knew a heart could break like...."
At that I broke away, ashamed I had allowed myself to intrude on this moment, and left the area. At some remove I glanced back and she was still typing slowly, intensely focused on the screen, writing down the bones of her life and saving her pain and her memory as a note, a terrible footnote to her life. Perhaps by making it a note and saving it somewhere in cyberspace she was putting the pain and the loss away. It would be in the world but, at the same time, it wouldn't. I prayed it would help her find peace.
A bit later in a large box store where I'd gone to get some meaningless object I imagined I needed, I looked around at the others in the store pushing their carts around in the daily ritual of getting and spending. I wondered how many there had a similar "note" stored with faded photographs in the shoe boxes of their lives. Quite a few I decided since time and chance happens to all. Still I was struck by how, even faced with deep and scaring tragedies, we pick ourselves and go on, even if it is only to go shopping, or to the library, where the computers are free and you can, as they say, come as you are.
When I got home I turned on the news. It was a program presenting the circus of "candidates" currently "running" for the Republican candidate for president in 2012. They didn't seem to be saying anything to me. I turned them off. Turned them all off.
None of them had anything to say to me. None of them had anything to say to the woman in the library whose screen I had overseen.
Earlier today, for what were flimsy reasons, I attached the opening of Auden's Musee des Beaux Arts to a brief blog item about Tiananmen Square. It didn't seem to fit so I removed it later. But it did fit what I had overseen at the library,
About suffering they were never wrong,
The old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position: how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
... Or seems to be just typing a note on a screen.
A note that contains a terrible memory. A note I didn't need to read but, at the same time, did.
Posted by Vanderleun at June 13, 2011 7:00 PMRegarding "It's hard to imagine a man taking the job [of librarian] especially now that the profession has devolved into a world of women".
Seven years ago, I interviewed for a library job at an elementary school. The female principal's first words were "We don't get many men applying for this... We do have some custodial positions available."
This also in a semi-rural district where the average number of boys with a single mother and an absentee father is well over half the male student population and adult males (including the custodians) per elementary school is less than 20% of the staff.
Posted by: Pappy at June 13, 2011 8:21 PMYou make me proud to have once been a librarian, Gerard. Exquisite post.
Posted by: Jewel at June 13, 2011 8:22 PM32 years ago our son was killed in a mountaineering accident. Her message is the message I wrote 32 years ago. Only a bereaved parent knows the pain that the death of a child brings.
You keep getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. You do it because you know your child would want it that way. As time passes (years, not months), the pain subsides but never really disappears. When you can you reach out to others who have lost a child to say, "I am so sorry for your loss." Words are so inadequate to heal a loss so large, and when all is said and done, there is nothing but love, tincture of time, and Grace that raises one from the depths of despair.
Each loss of our fine young men and women from our military is always a reminder for me - someone's heart is breaking today.
Posted by: Jimmy J. at June 13, 2011 9:25 PMThat poor woman. Pray God she found an answering voice across the internet. When we lost our own third baby who died in utero, we sat in a dingy church basement with other grieving parents, angry and miserable and so aware of those words of Auden's. I remember hearing Christmas carols and "Unto us, a child is born" in a cheesily decorated Xmas hospital ultrasound room right after hearing that our baby was dead. The whole world barrels on oblivious. Their ordinary pleasures and activity salt in the wound.
Posted by: retriever at June 13, 2011 9:38 PMWe tend to go about our days focused on ourselves, and on the small handful of people important to us. Even when our jobs require us to come in contact with other people, we rarely give thought to them beyond the momentary business at hand. I believe that sometimes we stumble across situations like you described--painful, private moments inadvertently exposed to us--because we need to recognize the humanity of other people, and to care about their struggles. The alternative is indifference, and we've far too much of that already.
Posted by: RandomThoughts at June 14, 2011 12:04 AMOnly by suffering can we know what joy is.
Posted by: Jean at June 14, 2011 7:05 AMYears ago I stopped at the scene of a wreck. The father had taken his adult daughter for a Spring ride on his big Honda Goldwing motorcycle. The rear tire blew out at 60mph. As I kneeled in her rapidly congealing blood and her dad gave her mouth to mouth while I did chest compressions, I was struck by the fact that the sun continued to shine brightly and the birds sang on. The world is merciless and unconcerned in human tragedy. Human compassion is a gift that we can give each other and it is, I am faithful, a reflection of the mercy of God.
Posted by: teresa at June 14, 2011 7:35 AMYears ago I stopped at the scene of a wreck. The father had taken his adult daughter for a Spring ride on his big Honda Goldwing motorcycle. The rear tire blew out at 60mph. As I kneeled in her rapidly congealing blood and her dad gave her mouth to mouth while I did chest compressions, I was struck by the fact that the sun continued to shine brightly and the birds sang on. The world is merciless and unconcerned in human tragedy. Human compassion is a gift that we can give each other and it is, I am faithful, a reflection of the mercy of God.
Posted by: teresa at June 14, 2011 7:47 AMIt is amazing all the little things we notice in a moment frozen in time. Everything is captured and compressed, every feeling, every noise, everything.
My son-in-law carries with him that moment when his sister died in a car accident.
He was 11, his older sister Emily was 13, and Sarah, who died, was 16.
When he describes what happened, he freezes everything into that moment of impact. His retelling the story is so well-done that he seems to bring into it all the things that were actually there with him.
It is an artful ability to tell a story that makes a person feel as though he were part of it as it's being told.
Posted by: Jewel at June 14, 2011 8:24 AMI can still smell the coppery smell of blood and see the anguish in the father's eyes as I asked him if she was pregnant(the impact and resultant immediate internal bleeding made her appear so). The beautiful day and birdsong seemed so cruelly incongruous, the world should have stopped for a moment.
Posted by: teresa at June 14, 2011 10:12 AMAnd to think, some things are worse than death. Sometimes, carrying on makes us wish for it. In those moments, we don't consider the toll it would take on those we would leave behind.
I'll never forget the song that woke me on the morning of my mother's funeral. I'll also never forget holding my brand new daughter in my arms, looking into her perfect little face, planning her perfect future and trying to pretend the news reports on 9/11/01 were not happening.
The most profound expression of loss I've heard from a mother came from one whose adult child had been killed in cold blood during a robbery. The mother described the agony of seeing her child's name, a name for which she had searched her heart and soul as a new mother, carved in a gravestone. They say parents shouldn't outlive their children. After hearing that mother's poignant expression, I agree.
We always refer to "the birds chirping" and "the sun shining", but if you think about the hardships of a wild bird's life and the hellacious process required to produce the life-giving warmth and light on our tiny rock, it's a miracle that we even classify as "living", let alone that we are able to appreciate it enough to grieve it's loss in such profound ways and finally express it in words. Being human does have its downside. And there are moments when I envy the birds who aren't burdened with sentiments such as grief.
Posted by: RedCarolina at June 15, 2011 4:19 AMInteresting questions regarding trx workout certification replied and in addition the reasons you should study every term in this document.
Posted by: trx suspension ab workouts at September 12, 2012 2:05 AM
HOME