April 8, 2006

Immigration Reform: Mas More Inaction, Gracias!

We need more of nothing, thank you.

T WAS A DANGEROUS WEEK IN WASHINGTON, something almost got done. At least I think something almost got done. Like many citizens I was trying to tune to the Immigration Reform broadcast, but there was so much interference coming in from a pirate broadcast of yet another episode of The Vagina Monologues I had to switch off the receiver and get my reports third hand.

From these I understand that, although nothing got done again in Congress this week, it was "the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life" .

As the week that wasn't rolled along in the ant farm of Congress, a joke and a lyric kept running through my little head.

The joke was, "I bought an ant farm. Watched it for three months and I want my money back. Those ants didn't raise shit."

The lyric was a variation of the Talking Heads "Heaven" that went like this:

Everyone is trying to get to the bar.
The name of the bar, the bar is called Congress.
The bozos in Congress sing my favorite song.
They sing it once again, they sing it all night long.

Congress is a place
a place where nothing ever happens.
Congress is a place
a place where nothing ever happens.

But this morning, while shaving and humming that tune, I thought, "Nothing happening in Congress? Why is that a bad thing? Nothing is what almost always happens in Congress. When nothing happens in Congress, all Americans should rejoice. When something actually does happen in Congress is when we all need to increase our holdings of canned goods and ammunition.

"Congress is the one area of the economy where wise Americans should insist on dependably declining productivity. After all, it is not as if we've got a critical shortage of laws and legislation in the country. We've got laws, legislation, and regulations that, piled up into an all-American heap of "Made in America" bullshit, make all the butter mountains of Europe combined look like a gnat's pimple.

"Our task as Americans is to make sure that even less gets done in Congress than the nothing that is currently being done.

"But how?" I asked myself.

"Self," said I, "how can patriotic Americans of every race, color, creed, national origin, or self-assigned gender, make sure, make certain to a quantum level of granulation, that Congress does less than nothing; that all accomplishment in Congress moves from Zero into negative numbers?"

And then it came to me like a revelation, like a bush bursting into flame, like a pillar of fire lighting my way out of the wilderness of potential congressional action into the Promised Land of utter congressional paralysis: Clone Cynthia McKinney!

Yes, it was then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized the Synthia® McKinney clones would be infinity squared more inconsequential than your average congressman. Because Synthias® would be able to hear themselves blather day after day without a scintilla of shame or self-consciousness. The Synthias® would not be just idiots... they would be cloned idiots, chips off the original blockhead, sports derived from the macromolecule of the primeval idiot. These would be clones who blathered from their ceaselessly heaving, eternally victimized hearts, who had oceans of blather to siphon up and spew, who were the parthogenetic children of the mother of all blather, who were filled with original spite... but they had the drool... the drool... to blather on whenever even so much as a Web-Cam was pointed vaguely in their direction. If I had ten of these clones our troubles with legislative creep and the creeps of the legislature would be over very quickly. You have to have politicians who are utterly ineffective... and at the same time who are able to utilize these primordial instincts to do less than nothing lest by doing something they lose their power to do nothing... without anything but the ambition to have ambition... without passing laws that will be enforced less than the present laws... without passing any legislation, only gas. Because it's legislation that always slips American citizens the high hard one from behind. -- **

"Yes, yes," I muttered, mad with the essential brilliance of the idea, "It is a perfect plan. Just look at what one Synthia® McKinney managed to do in only a week as the media tried in vain to direct the nation's carefully reduced attention span to an approval of 'Mas Millions More,' 'DeLay Departs with No Delay' and "Bush Leak-Lied!" It would have been a perfect trifecta for them, but instead that had to shuffle off stage left muttering Curses, foiled again! And all because just one Synthia® would not, nay could not ... Shut. Up."

"If only," I said to myself, I said. " If only we could clone Synthia® thousands of times and elect these clones to every Federal, State and Local legislative office from sea to shining sea -- and Guam -- our troubles would be over. Nothing would ever get done in Government again, and the only thing better than a government that governs less is a government that cannot govern at all. It will be mortgage second homes and house-trailers all over America in a year. Double-Wides on the house, so to speak. Springtime for innovation, the Second Coming of the Stock Market, our bongs will brimmeth over!"

But then I had a horrifying thought.

"Self, what with the evil BushHitler refusing to put a single debased-metal federal dime into stem cell research, thus forcing our mad scientists to go to the free market for funding, how can we clone Synthias® fast enough? And what if other countries like Japan and China get onto this idea and start cloning Synthias® first and faster. Will we be facing a Synthia® gap? Will we fall behind in the race to the future simply because other societies beat us to the Eden of Negative Government first? This cannot be allowed to happen. We must have massive numbers of Synthias® now. Where, oh where, shall we find them?

"Then it came to me that the answer was, as Sherlock Holmes would say, 'Simplicity itself.' Synthia® is, first and foremost, a 'Representative.' She 'represents' a constituency and as such that constituency, in order to elect her, must be very much like her. All we have to do is draft constituents out of her district and run them for every available seat in the 2006 elections. As soon as right-thinking citizens in this great land get a look at what a legislature of Synthias® can not do for them, our future is assured.

"Yes," I thought, "that is the answer. But time grows short. How can we possibly get all these proto-Synthias® to the elections on time?"

It was then I remembered that New Orleans is trying to auction off all those waterlogged school buses. I'm writing George Bush today to insist that he call Congress back into emergency session to pass a measure commandeering those buses. It's time Congress got something done, dammit!

Posted by Vanderleun at April 8, 2006 10:19 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Gerard, another pitch-perfect post. You do make my day.
I don't think this is totally off topic: Annually, DC gets their inch of snow, and some announcer gets on the air and says: "All nonessential federal employees should remain at home." How much would it take to convince said announcer to add the crucial five words: "... and don't bother coming back."?

Posted by: James W Cooper at April 8, 2006 11:23 AM

I like it. Cynthia McKinney and her Insane Clone Posse.

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at April 8, 2006 11:42 AM

Thanks, Gerard for Saturday's Satirical Splendor. However brilliant it is (as usual), since I live in Synthia-land, I can suggest that you erred in one regard. We should not synthesize Synthia, but rather her racist and incompetant father Billy McKinney. Billy is the source, the fount, the slimy pestilential cesspool that spawned this spawn. You'll need to go further upstream. Sorry to disrupt what was an otherwise perfectly useful thesis.

Posted by: Chester at April 8, 2006 11:49 AM

Oooopppps. Sorry, Professor. "Incompetent." No "a". Yup. Guess I'll have to stay after class.

Posted by: chester at April 8, 2006 11:52 AM

"A great writer he is indeed, a force of nature it would seem to me."...Vasko Kohlmayer

Want to share this with Gerard's other fans. This morning I received an email
from Vasko Kohlmayer a regular contributor to American Thinker.

Vasko Kohlmayer defected from Communist Czechoslovakia at the age of 19. He lives in London and works in the publishing industry. Most of his AT pieces comment on the failings of the EU and UK to wake up to their complicity in their own slow suicides.

I sent him "The Voice of the Neuter" and my wish that he could get that and other of Gerard's essays out there across the pond.
Here is what he wrote to me:

I’ve bee[n] looking at American Digest of Gerard Van der Leun. A great writer he is indeed, a force of nature it would seem to me. The many aspects of the world just sparkle in his consciousness – that’s what happens to great minds.

I've supplied a link to Vasko's Jan 28th essay on GW.
A week or so later, after the disgraceful Dem display at the funeral of Rosa Parks, Rush took up this theme. Hope you'll read it.


Gallantry: What Liberals can Learn from George W. Bush
January 28th, 2006

The other day, the American people saw George W. Bush once again addressing his critics in connection with the NSA’s surveillance program . Despite the fact that he has been accused of the worst of possible motives – of willfully and deliberately breaking the law to spy on his fellow citizens – the President tackled this and other gratuitous charges without a trace of anger or bitterness.


Now, my only worry that this and winning the Council Award this week and
all those kudos and links could result in Gerard joining MoDo, Frank, and
Kooky Krug behind some $$$ wall.

Posted by: LARWYN at April 8, 2006 12:07 PM

I like it--Cynthia McKinney and her Insane Clone Posse.

Posted by: Gagdad Bob at April 8, 2006 1:16 PM

Testing - GagdadBob's comment wouldn't post.
If you can read this, it's an Emily Littel "Nevermind"

Posted by: LARWYN at April 8, 2006 2:41 PM

There ARE alternates: down here in South Texas we have the esteemed (somewhere) Sheila Jackson-Lee.
It has been said that the most dangerous place on Capitol Hill is between Sheila and a TV camera.

Posted by: ed in texas at April 8, 2006 4:03 PM

"I like it: Cynthia McKinney and her Insane Clone Posse."....GagdadBob


Posted by: LARWYN at April 8, 2006 4:04 PM

Weirdness - Only 3 comments were posted prior to my initial comment. As normal for me, I sent this new work out. Robert Godwin/OneCosmos responded to me that it was another great Vanderleun post and that he had had problem trying to post his comment. I asked if I could post for him - if it was not on the site.

Well, it has mysteriously appeared as the 2nd comment now that I've reposted it.

As no one can truly describe the OneCosmos Blog or Petey, I have no idea what avatar may be involved.

Posted by: LARWYN at April 8, 2006 4:14 PM

Just to clear this up: I've been under extreme comment spam attack for about three weeks and have had to ramp up the spam filter and clear out the registration files. As a result, comment moderation is turned on and I have to approve some comments that the system does not recognize. Sometimes there's a lag and, alas, sometime the comment is bounced.

I'm trying to get a permanent fix put in but that's going to take the better part of a week.

Sorry for any frustration.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at April 8, 2006 4:42 PM

Thought you were just "cloning" GagDad.

Posted by: LARWYN at April 8, 2006 4:45 PM

It's a concept.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at April 8, 2006 5:02 PM

Even if they can't clone Synthia, remember we must also keep a warm place in our hearts for Howard the Scream Dean (the gift that keeps on giving), Ted Kennedy, the botox twins Pelosi and Kerry...

Posted by: teri at April 8, 2006 7:34 PM

I believe you're thinking of the late, great Mitch Hedberg. The exact quote, from the last time I saw him live, is: "I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I said, 'Come on! You better make me some carrots or something... because I just realized that if I pull all your legs off, you'd look like snowmen, and I wanna see if it's as funny as I think.'"

Posted by: Mike Andreyakovich at April 9, 2006 11:02 PM

Yes! Exactly. Thank you. A great comedian.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at April 10, 2006 12:19 AM

Spoken like a classic liberal. Thanks for the read.

Posted by: Will at April 17, 2006 4:38 AM

Interesting. A good orator indeed. Definitely unlike Doubleyou. Although....Rush Limbaugh is a good orator as well, but then he isn't necessarily ever right about anything. He's just another talking head for the Right-Wing. As far as Cynthia McKinney is concened, well at least she was the only one who stood up and said that Bush, Cheney and Rice should be Impeached immediately for their crimes. I have to agree with her. The problem with your oration although well written, it does not really GO anywhere. You seem to write in order to hear how well you write and as Limbaugh also has many listeners whome he must just absolutely love as they support his "well spoken" drivle, it seems that you also have a lot of readers who love your "well written" oration. Good for you. Keep it up. And like Congress, keep making no point as well.

Posted by: Blaise A Gauba at March 3, 2007 8:55 AM