February 28, 2013

Food Free Food

It is truly said that "America is so rich our poor people are obese." That seems to grow more true by the moment for the poor, low-information eaters teetering among us on wobbling platform heels or swooping past us in those little electric carts in the supermarkets.

Conversely is also said that "you can never be to rich or too thin." To confirm that the rich among us are always fooling around with their intake in a binge/purge self-fornication festival. On the one hand many among our rich of pallor have chosen to feed on the lard-laden excrement doled out daily by the current administration and are lining up to by more. On the other hand it would seem that the same wan affluent are lining up to buy food that is so refined and uptight that it has been entirely stripped of what any other culture, any other era, would recognize as... well... food itself. So deep is the affluent American's longing for thin that we have now arrived at "food free food."

It is no surprise to anyone paying attention to the long and unwinding national nutrition neurosis that we need to have some new mountain of diet bullshit to climb every five years of so.

Mount Organic.
Mount Sustainable.
Mount Lo-Fat No-Fat.
Mount Creamy No-Fat.

Yes, it is a libidinal landscape made of featureless false and phony foods. It is a dietary desert of drifting sans. Sans lactose. Sans meat. Sans chicken. Sans land animal. Sans face. Salt free. Sugar free. Gluten free. And, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever will be, Kosher.

Up and up the bullshit steams in a never ending inward spinning gyre of dietary dreck and nutritional nuttiness so complicated and so intertwined in morality and self-image that there seems to be, at times, nothing left to eat in a country that has more food per capita than any other nation in the history of the world. To quote that great American philosopher, Chester A. Riley, "What a revoltin' development this is."

It now seems to be the case that the food fetish factories of the world, in an effort to separate the American rich from their extra money, have pushed the pedal to the metal now that it is clear the American dollar is about to go the way of the Zimbabwe dollar. Just last month I noticed the store in my neighborhood was selling bags of crispy kelp flakes. That's right. Kelp aka "Seaweed." A bag of these unfrosted flakes weighing in at less than an ounce was being offered up "on sale" for $4.99. A quick bit of grocery store math tells you that some company in collusion with the store seemed to feel it could retail its product for $60 a pound. Sixty smackers a pound. For.... Kelp aka "Seaweed." Weed from the sea..... An offer beyond bogglement.

But I only wandered in that brave new kelpflaked world beyond bogglement for a bit before I came across, just this afternoon, a new product that offered me even less food for more money. It was something called "Crispibread" and its selling points were proudly displayed on the box:


There you have it. To say this food is "vegan" (as it does) is to underestimate its nothingness. Free of nuts. Free of soy. Free of gluten, wheat, dairy, eggs, and that evil life form, yeast. Free of it all. Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free of food at last!

Our long national nightmare is over.

Let's eat.

Posted by gerardvanderleun at February 28, 2013 7:12 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I'm vaguean. I'll eat whatever.

Posted by: Jewel at February 28, 2013 8:21 PM

I just spent a week in Costa Rica, where a tico cook prepared fresh, whole foods, like meat, fish, black beans, rice, endless vegetables and fruit. We had nothing packaged, no junk. I ate 3 big meals a day...and lost weight! I never felt so good.

Posted by: Leslie at February 28, 2013 8:37 PM

Bacon! Bacon!! BACON!!11!!

Posted by: BJM at February 28, 2013 8:58 PM

SCREWTAPE: "This has largely been effected by concentrating all our efforts on gluttony of Delicacy, not gluttony of Excess. Your patient’s mother, as I learn from the dossier and you might have learned from Glubose, is a good example. She would be astonished–one day, I hope, will be–to learn that her whole life is enslaved to this kind of sensuality, which is quite concealed from her by the fact that the quantities involved are small.

But what do quantities matter, provided we can use a human belly and palate to produce querulousness, impatience, uncharitableness, and self-concern? Glubose has this old woman well in hand. She is a positive terror to hostesses and servants.

She is always turning from what has been offered her to say with a demure little sigh and a smile “Oh please, please… all I want is a cup of tea, weak but not too weak, and the teeniest weeniest bit of really crisp toast”. You see? Because what she wants is smaller and less costly than what has been set before her, she never recognises as gluttony her determination to get what she wants, however troublesome it may be to others. At the very moment of indulging her appetite she believes that she is practising temperance."

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at March 1, 2013 4:11 AM

Its about sex. Its about looking hot, being hot, being sexual, having stamina, having a cut, tight body that people want for sex. Its about avoiding anything that makes you seem ugly and unsexual so you can get laid more.

Almost everything in modern society boils down to making the beast with two - or more - backs. Sex is good, always, no sex is bad, always. Anything that interferes with being beautiful, young, and having sex is always bad and wrong.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 1, 2013 7:31 AM

Vegans eat vegetables only, right? Why? Why bother to claw your way, inch by bloody inch, up to the very top of the Food Chain to restrict yourself to eating plants? Don't these people realize they've abased themselves to the levels of cows?

Get with the program, you browsers, you. If God hadn't meant us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them so tasty. Do you really want to stand before Him at the Bar of Judgment (two drink minimum) and have to explain why you turned down Uncle Hector's beautifully grilled T-Bones, or Auntie Letitia's roast turkey -- at Thanksgiving, no less?

Posted by: Francis W. Porretto at March 1, 2013 1:45 PM

Just another in the long list of problems the terminally adolescent face.

Posted by: Pappy at March 1, 2013 8:06 PM

And there I thought it was the 32 years of marriage.

Posted by: Fat Man at March 1, 2013 8:44 PM

Scene from a Chinese restaurant:

Customer: OK, do you have that?

Waiter: One Kung Pao Chicken, One Peking Duck, 8 pancakes, One Pork Fried Rice, One Sesame Noodles,
No Salt,
No Sugar,
No Oil,
No Fat,
No Flavor.

Posted by: Fat Man at March 2, 2013 12:33 PM

Can you cook the package? Might be tastier, and more nutritious.
I can see it: "Now, in the new tastier fresh packaging, ready for your enjoyment."
Tastes like cardboard, not chicken.


Posted by: tomw at March 7, 2013 8:35 AM